Scarleteen

I have a questions for all of you. Our society puts a lot of pressure on us to lose our virginities at a certain age for me I'm 22 and I still haven't lost it yet nor do I know if it will ever happen. Sometimes I feel too old and embarrassed I wanted this long but then again I was too scared at first. I know this might be a personal question to ask but I just wanted to know When and how did you lose your virginity? What was the experience like for you?

Hi!

I absolutely hear you - there are a TON of societal expectations and pressures around virginity coming at us from all angles! Personally, I don't really think about my sexual experiences in terms of virginity, and I don't pinpoint one experience as the time I lost it. There have been many times in my life when I've felt like I've hit milestones by trying or exploring new things. For me, virginity isn't really something you can lose - we don't become less (or more, for that matter!) once we have a certain type of sexual encounter for the first time. We're still the same whole, wonderful people, but just with a new experience.

One of the reasons I haven't felt good about the concept of virginity is that I'm bisexual! When I was in my early twenties, I noticed that what I considered sex (or what I might have counted as losing my virginity) with women was not the same as what I considered sex with men. This didn't sit well with me - I realized that the concept of virginity didn't mesh with my sexual orientation and the way I wanted to understand and frame my sexual experiences. After that, I decided to focus more on trying new things at my pace without any self-judgment around what I had and hadn't yet done.

You shared that you were feeling scared and not ready to have sex, so you did the absolute right thing to wait! I had the same experience - I didn't feel ready to try certain things that my friends were trying, and I can now say that I am very glad I waited until I felt completely ready. Moving into new milestones knowing I was completely certain and confident in what I wanted made those experiences incredibly positive.

I hope this is helpful - you've got this!

What jazzy said! There is no 'too old' to find yourself in a situation with a person when you want to do something new including any sort of sexual intimacy 22, 33, 66, whatever. So holding off, when you weren't feeling ready probably will have given you the space to for it to be more ok, when you eventually do find someone to try things out with.

I'd add the peice of trivia that I was on Scarleteen plenty before I had had any type of sex and so already had a pretty queer idea of sex and the first time I had what I would call 'sex' with another person they actually didn't agree that it was or counted as sex. When a friend was like "Hey did you guys do it?" and we said different things, that was quite an awkward moment, even if in retrospect I find it sort of comedic!

This process is rarely a smooth journey for any of us, and in that sense what you're talking about is very very typical.