Scarleteen

hi i'm back it's been a hot minute since i asked something, but i don't have anywhere else to go for this... i'll try to keep it short but i made it unnecessarily long so... beware.

here's what's going on. beginning of july i was on tinder and i swiped right on this guy. i was hesitant because i think he's really attractive but we've gone to school together in the past and for some reason that intimidated me, but he actually liked me back and he messaged me asking for my insta but i didn't respond because we were already following each other. then randomly a day or two later he likes one of my posts (not sure how he found my page, i didn't message him back) and then on the 4th of july he messages me on insta just kinda telling me who he is and asking if i wanna hang out sometime. i said sure, and we have just been getting to know each other since then. we've hung out in person 4 times already over the past week and they've all been pretty nice. the first time he brought me flowers which i actually wasn’t expecting, he was open to meeting my parents and it was really nice overall, but when i got home i wasn’t quite sure because i felt like things were a bit awkward. second time he asked if i wanted to go to barnes and noble with him to get a book so we went, it was fun, then we came back and just sat in his car for a while talking, and one time he opened up his phone and he was last on my instagram profile looking at some pictures i posted, which i thought was cute. he was even 30 minutes late for work that day because we were talking. third time we went to a lake and sat in his car and smoked, it was my first time and he knew that, he was very nice and patient with me even though i looked stupid as hell, and then we got food and sat in his car and talked again for a minute. today was the fourth time and we went to the lake and smoked again for a while and then he took me home. each time he gave me a hug before i left. he says good morning every day when he responds (oh boy, just keep reading) and actually listens to the music i reccommend to him. by this point i feel more comfortable, and i’m at the point where i kinda want things to start moving forward.

sounds nice, right? buuut here are the things that really confuse me about him. he takes sooo long to reply. sometimes (with the exception that hes at work) it'll take him 2 hours to reply, but he usually tells me that he's been asleep. i don't know if this is normal, i've seen a lot of people say that they could be in love with someone and not text back just because they're bad at texting. also, my last relationship was 2 years and we texted each other constantly. i don't NEED him to message me constantly, but sometimes it's so long that it's wierd to me. another time i was waiting for a reply from him and i saw that he had liked some girl's post on insta which normally i wouldnt freak out over (and its not her im worried about) but the post was made after i messaged him myself. and when he finally responded he told me that he just woke up. wierd, no? and we still only talk over instagram, i’d prefer imessage or something but he’s never asked. but every time we’ve hung out he’s never on his phone, he only really is when he wants to change a song. if anything, i text people when we’re hanging out more than he does. i’ve been wanting to just ask him myself but it’s hard seeing as he technically doesn’t really owe me anything yet, and i don’t want to seem clingy or obsessive when we’ve only been doing this for less than two weeks. i’ve been trying to drop hints but im not sure if he’s picking up on them or if hes ignoring them. sometimes he'll say something but i cant tell myself if it meant something or if he was just being nice (for example, i told him i liked his piercings and tattoos and they looked good on him, all he said was "i appreciate it<3" ; and when i said i want some myself he said "you should get one, it'd look good on you", like i cant even tell myself). i wanted to poke at some sticks though, so today i messaged him saying something along the lines of “hey, thanks for hanging out with me lately even though im awkward (in case that makes me seem off-putting), and if you wanna, lets hang out for longer next time ” and his response was like “its all good, and most definitely, i dont do anything on my days off anyways,” like… what does that even mean.

i do think that i like him and i’d love to continue building up a relationship with him but something about this wierd stuff is making me want to hold back. can anyone help me figure out whats really going on? it’s early days, so i want to figure out how i should continue moving on with this situation before i actually find myself in too deep. am i just overthinking or should i just run now? thank you for any advice <3 and again, sorry for making this so long, i just wanted to make everything as accurate as possible!

Hi ax! Welcome back!

It's always so nice to catch somebody a few years later.

So... Firstly I'm hearing a few things in your decription, that aren't super clear red flags on their own but do at least signal some incompatibility. However you're also describing a gut feeling that, for many of us, very often proves to be absolutely worth listening to.

He sounds very laid back in his personality and approach, and maybe not completely honest about when he's asleep or when he just needs more time before replying to you. He also sounds like he isn't necessarily a big talker and that can really be tough, given how important the ability to communicate is, to being able to progress with a realtionship.

I think we do near red-flag territory, with this one: "i dont do anything on my days off anyways" does sound really flippant to me... and something of a put-down. If someone was just looking for a very casual relationship they might not care about that, and it might not have been intended the way it sounds. However, in this case it doesn't seem random and it contributes to a feeling that is already pretty well established for you.

Two weeks isn't a lifetime, but you'll notice it has been long enough for you to have an idea of how you guys relate to eachother and develop a picture of what being with him would be like.

So, you find him kinda hot, and you've been able to spend some time together that sounds pretty nice, and it's great to have had that! But beyond this, what's your gut saying?

thank you! it feels good to be back here for advice.

from what i have gathered so far i definitely say he's laid back, and at least not a big talker over text. i did compare it to my last relationship which was 2 years long where my ex and i constantly communicated every single day but i don't think him taking a bit to reply to me is THAT much of a dealbreaker for me, to an extent. i remember his first message he told me that he spent a while trying to even come up with that because he wasn't sure what to say. he could just be busy or not on his phone, but if its taking HOURS to reply it feels kinda wierd to me... I really wanna just ask him about it, but is there a way i could do that without sounding obsessive and clingy already?

also, yeah, to me when he said that it read like "i don't have anything better to do anyways". but again, it's hard to tell if he did mean it like that or if he just doesn't really know how to talk, you know what i mean? no offense to him but he did tell me that he's not very good with english and stuff like that, but i don't want to keep chalking everything up to an excuse if you know what i mean. because it could very well mean what it seemed to mean.

over the two weeks we've been getting to know each other, i've learned that we do have a lot in common, a lot to talk about together and there's still a lot more i want to get to know about him. i'm really awkward when it comes to meeting new people and i just hope that hasn't turned him off from me. it's funny because the first time we hung out (at the beginning) i was kinda feeling wierd about it, but over this time i've found myself wanting to hang out with him more. i'm a very anxious person as well and i tend to overthink and read into things way harder than i should, as well as comparing previous relationships to this, so i'm just hoping that's where my doubts come from here. i think i do want things to work out between us, but something is telling me not to go all in just yet, or that i need some confirmation from him that my doubts are just that, doubts. i just want to find out how HE'S feeling before i go any further with this. is there a way i can bring the idea up casually, would it be better to do it over text or in person? any advice for this would be so helpful! thank you for all your help already<3

I can sympathize with doing a lot of anxious overthinking of things early on in a relationship, or in a maybe-this-is-becoming-a-relationship situation; that's something I experience sometimes too! I think, though, that the more you can manage to be direct about both your feelings and asking about his, the easier things will be overall. Do you feel like you could say something like "I'm really enjoying spending time with you, and I think I'd like to hang out more (or text more regularly, or whatever you're wanting). How do you feel about that?" I think it would be fine to do that over text or in person, whatever you're more comfortable with.

In terms of wanting faster responses to texting, I think this is an area where some people wind up having vastly different preferences and expectations around communication speed. I don't think asking for him to text you more often or return texts more quickly means you're being clingy or unreasonable; that's your preference in terms of communication and it's all right to ask about it! What I'd keep in mind is that if he's more comfortable responding slowly it doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested; that may just be his preference. I don't see anything wrong with asking about it, though.