Scarleteen

First of all sorry for my bad english..

Hello dear community, I am a 22 years old girl and have always identified myself as straight. I have a boyfriend by my side for 5 years now, whom I love and have only been attracted to men ever since. When I was at the experimental age however, I used to kiss my girlfriends, but only to impress the boys around (I know, totally silly and stupid ..), but never felt any excitement during this. For me, women were always either friends or competitors.

One thing, however, does not fit into my pattern: when i was between [...] and 19 years i watched porn, and almost exclusively with female actresses (girl on girl). It was really about the woman, what she likes, which was never the case in 'normal' porn .. I felt much more comfortable with it. Furthermore I always had struggles with my body und always thought, that men think that vaginas are gross (just like i do), so i could not relax during straight porn because i projected myself into that woman and felt embarrassment und had the feeling, that she cant enjoy it either.

But is it normal to be straight and like girl on girl porn? My other friends were watching this kind of porn, too, actually..I also had some fantasies in this direction, but I never wanted actively try them out in real life because I don't feel attracted to women.But I fantasized like 10 times during sex with my boyfriend about the lesbian porn to relax more (again: I am quite unsure about my body..). Now I ask myself whether there are more straight women who are into lesbian porn or should I question something? For me it was always a fantasy world, but nothing more and I didn't want to actively try it all in real life. That was a couple of years ago, meanwhile I am no longer interested in this content, but I find the question still interesting .. thanks

Hi dreamer123,

To answer your main question, there are plenty of people who watch porn that doesn't represent what they actually want to do when it comes to sex. Now, for some people watching porn with two women can be a way of exploring their orientation, or maybe a clue that they're queer in some way. But for others, there are things that appeal to them about that kind of porn that aren't indicators of their overall orientation.

It sounds like you feel pretty certain of your orientation aside from this, but if you're curious this article lays out some of the things that people will use to determine their sexual orientation: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone.

I do want to touch on the fact that body insecurity seems to be playing a role in this for you. Can I ask where that feeling that genitals are "gross" seems to come from for you? And are there specific things you're insecure about when it comes to you body?

Thank you for the fast reply! So long story short: the preferences in porn have not necessarily smth. to do with the sexual orientation? Because again: I have never felt any attraction towards women, but only towards men.. And I could not imagine being in a relationship with a woman.. I read some articles where straight women say, that they are into lesbian porn.. I guess it was just a phase for me during my teenage years, cause I have no longer the need to watch any kind of porn.. Or is there something i do not understand?

Yes, e.g. I'm insecure about my stretch marks, many years ago a guy i liked asked "what are those? I've never seen something like that before".. And during the last vacation I heard a girl behind me saying "If I had those stretch marks, I could never go to the beach like she does." and she pointed at me. It hurts a lot..

And when it comes to genitals, i do not think that penises are gross at all.. But vaginas are (for me) tbh. I don't really know where it comes from, I would love to gain more self confidence when it comes to my vagina.. I trust my boyfriend 100 % and he admires me and my body but still there is insecurity wich is so sad..

You're welcome! And yep, porn isn't always an indicator of our sexual orientation, just like it's not always an indicator of what things we actually want to try when we have sex with other people.

I'm sorry you've had those experiences with people regarding your stretch marks. Stretch marks are something more or less everyone ends up with as they age. They're like wrinkles, or cellulite, or blemishes; just part of having a body. I think this article might be a really helpful for thing for you: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism. Do you see insecurities you recognize in there, or things you could try to combat those insecurities.

It's not super surprising that you find vaginas gross but not penises; the cultural messages we absorb about them are very different. Do you feel like your worries about it are tied to it looking or smelling gross?