Scarleteen

I've been single since for 8 years which is a long time I'm 22 and I have never once been in a relationship. I am the single friend in the group who can't get a girlfriend and I just so sick of being single. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient and that the right one will come but I've kinda lost hope I mean its been 8 years everyone keeps telling me to put myself out there but its not that easy. I have given up hope that anyone will ever love me all my friends get girlfriends so easily I mean I just want someone to love me for me is that too much to ask? everyone keeps saying you waited all this time which means you are going to meet someone great just watch and to be very honest I just don't see anything coming my way.

Hi girlplayer34,

It can certainly be frustrating to feel like you're the only person who hasn't yet found a partner, or like the people who are telling you to be patient how urgent it feels. The tricky thing is that, while you can certainly do things to be an active participant in finding a partner, at a certain point being patient is just part of the deal.

I wonder if re-framing this situation and changing what you tell yourself about it would be helpful. For instance, framing being single as a disease is going to hurt you in the long run, even if it feels emotionally true right now. After all, it isn't contagious. Too, being single offers a lot of opportunities for positive things to flourish and for you to really enrich your relationship with yourself. You can read all about how to do that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... empowering, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... e_yourself. What do you think would happen if you shifted some of the energy you're putting on being worried that you're single and put it on other parts of your life.

I do want to add that, in addition to it not being that unusual for someone to get to 22 without dating, it's a pretty common experience for queer folks to find dating in high school or college to be a bit trickier than it is for their straight peers. Other people being out, their own ability to be out, and the size of the queer dating pool in smaller schools can make all of that trickier. In fact, we have a whole advice column about being a single lesbian wishing for a relationship: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... and_single.

By the way, while I disagree that singlehood is a disease, I totally feel you with this. I'm queer, and have always found it way harder to find girlfriends than the alternatives, and have often been that friend in the friend group where I have gone on single dates that never turned into more while my friends wound up in LTRs with those same people I went on those dates with. Talk about demoralizing. UGH.

I'm sorry it's taking so long for you. 8 years of looking and trying absolutely is a long time to not even have a dating relationship to get started with, so I'm not even remotely surprised you're feeling the way you are. I also get feeling hopeless at this point.

I do want to add that I'm hearing a lot about someone coming along or you waiting: can I ask what your attempts at finding someone to date have looked like so far? Have they been passive like that sounds -- "waiting" -- or have you been actively doing things (like using apps, like going to meetups or queer events if you can, etc.) to try and make this happen?

I'm ace, so I can totally relate to struggling to find a relationship. Sometimes, it gets very lonely, especially when everyone else is in relationships. Being queer definitely comes with its added complications in finding a partner. Wishing you the best of luck!