was I raped?

[Renata]

I don't quite know how to put this into words. So I'm 24 and like 4 years ago I was a virgin and was very curious about sex but not "brave" enough to try it out. I think, I should say this before continuing with my story, I know this is a delicate subject but I used to fantasied about being raped. Once, a friend of mine from collage and I went with other friends to a party, where I got a little bit drunk. After the party we two went to my apartment ( I lived alone) because for some reason I don't remember he couldn't stay at his house, it wasn't the first time he stayed at my house, he used to sleep on a bed in the living room and I in my bedroom. So on that night, I changed and went into my bed to sleep, I remember him entering and sitting on the bed and asking me something or maybe we where talking (I don't really remember). I think I fall asleep and then woke up when he started to kiss me and touch me. I didn't know how to react, he knew I was asleep. I remember thinking that it was wrong but if I say something then everything would be uncomfortable or maybe I would've had to say something to my family or he would've just said that he wasn't doing anything that I was delusional, idk, but also, I kind of liked the idea of him wanting me, so I pretended I was still asleep. Furthermore he tried to go further like to finger me and also to penetrate me. I started to move so it would be more difficult for him to do so, I still didn't wanted to tell him something, it would've been so embarrassing. He tried a lot to do intercourse, but also being careful to not "wake me up". I wasn't comfortable at all, but couldn't find the strength to cut him off. At the end he couldn't succeed and just grab my hand and with it jerked himself off. In the morning I woke up first and immediately took a shower I felt kind of gross, he did like nothing happened and left the apartment. Later that day I went to the toilet and found a bit of blood, I still didn't know how to feel about it but I cried. I wrote him, if something happened between us because he slept with me that night, he answered that nothing happened and that I asked him to sleep with me that night. After he told me that I said to myself that I would just forget that day and if I remembered something it was just a dream. I haven't talked about this with anyone because I'm too ashamed to do so and also because Idk how I feel about it. Sometimes I even catch myself fantasising over it and other times angry at myself that I didn't say anything at the moment. Is that normal?

[Jacob]

Hi Renata,

I want to thank you so much for choosing here as a place ask your question. How you reacted to this was absolutely understandable and many others who have had experiences like this will recognize and identify with your reactions.

Many of us form fantasies out of abusive things which were not wanted, desierable or enjoyable at the time. Fantasies, including rape fantasies belong to our sexuality and the space we carve out in our minds to explore ourselves and the things we have experienced. It can be very powerful to take something like that and make it 'yours' in that way.

To answer the question of whether this was rape, I would say this very much meets the definition... i.e. forcing any kind of intercourse (including using hands) onto someone who has not consented. You were very clear that he knew you were asleep, for a start, and at no point did he give you any safe opportunity to say no.

There is not a single a step in what happened that is in any way your fault. To think back on an event like this can bring us many different emotions: anger, sadness, fear, and of course shame.

Shame can be very inward facing, which makes sense when we are dealing with the thoughts on our own, but please know you have nothing to be ashamed of. You survived this event in your own way getting yourself through it, whether it meant trying to forget it for a while, or treat it like a dream, or touch upon it as a fantasy, all of those are ok.

It sounds like keeping this to yourself has been tough, have you thought about speaking to more people about it? Or have any ideas of anything that might be helpful for you?

[Renata]

Hi Jacob, thank you for taking the time to answer.
I'm a bit relieved to hear, it's normal that I've fantasied about it. It's something I couldn't understand why and couldn't find anything on the internet about it.
Well, my normal go to it's just try to forget it, though I know it's not healthy and one day I'll just have to deal with it.
I have thought about telling my sister but it's so hard, I feel so so ashamed and weak that I just let it happen. I don't want her or anyone to think less of me, or for them to be careful with some kind of conversations or being psychoanalysed. Besides I don't know if it's me not wanting to face reality, but I don't know if I'm able to say aloud that I was sexually molested or whatever, because Idk, I can't believe it.

[Jacob]

No problem!

I think the main thing I would focus on is reducing the self-criticism. By that I mean the actual thoughts behind the shame like "this is my fault", or "I am doing this wrong", or "I should have prevented it by doing x, y,z". It sounds like you want to open up to people like your sister but the self-criticism is holding you back?

So maybe we can help reduce that?

I have some ideas here for how to practise thiking about it differently: Would you like me to go into it?

How do you think your sister would react if someone she cared about told her they had been sexually assaulted?

[Heather]

Hi, Renata. Fellow survivor here, and I'm so sorry that this was done to you. I just want to add something.

Sexual assault or abuse isn't something that victims of those abuses "let" happen or don't. Rather, they are things that people who perpetrate those abuses do to us. Sometimes we are able to avoid abuse or stop it. Other times, we are not, and that absolutely includes responses like freezing or other ways we often respond in disbelief or shock while something is happening, or when we simply don't know *how* to stop what's happening.

I think it's always important to remember that any kind of abuse ONLY happens if the person doing the abusing does it. It's not about what we did or didn't do, it's about what *they* did, because if *they* didn't choose to abuse us, abuse wouldn't have happened.

This isn't about what you did or didn't do. This is something someone else did to you. <3