Scarleteen

So I have this guy friend that has been in my life for over a year and we’ve gotten really close. I met him through my ex who is still one of his best friends which makes things complicated, and I’m really ashamed to say this but we made out one night when he was on the outs with his now ex. I was part of cheating , and not that it was an excuse but we were tipsy and not thinking clearly.

We talk all day every day and I haven’t seen him since December, but when we’re at school together he comes over to my apartment all the time. We watch our favorite show together, sometimes cook, we’ve gone to do community service together and he took me to a local festival I was dying to go to. From past relationships, he acts a lot like those boys did at the beginning and it’s a lot more complicated that he’s friends with my ex but I can’t help getting feelings for him. He calls me cute and wife material all the time, has little nicknames for me, wants me to come home with him one weekend, gets super defensive when boys are rude to me and when he’s drunk he’s prone to sexting me (yikes, Ik but we have insane chemistry so I usually go along with it).

When he broke up with his gf of three years he didn’t tell me right away but we’ve talked about it since, and he’s said he wants to go through a “hoe” phase before settling down. He also told me it’s so annoying when he has such an amazing girl but is going through said hoe phase (didn’t say it was me but idk who else it would be and why would he tell me if it was somebody else) He also sends me love songs! He also says he loves making me happy, when he sends me love songs he gets SUPER excited about It’s kinda frustrating.

I’m writing this because today he’s on a blind hookup (and he’s losing his virginity, we’re super open about sex from the times we’ve sexted so we’ve talked about it just not explicit details). He seems a little embarrassed that he’s still a virgin and I’ve been clear to tell him it’s super normal! Honestly I’m really hurting because I so wish I was his. I wish I could get over this and just be friends but it just keeps hurting me over and over again. Are there any guys out there that could put their opinion on this? I just wanna know what he might be thinking. If I knew it would be nothing I’d move on but I’m stuck in this limbo of love songs and compliments and him telling me about girls he meets on dating apps and now hookups. I could even go so far as to support him in a relationship if I knew there was never a chance. When he says things I like sometimes I say wow I wish I could clone you you’re so amazing and it seems to not really comprehend with him.

Do you think he’s clueless? Do you think he’s testing the waters? Thoughts would be so appreciated.

Hi gamecockgirl,

While no one but him can truly know his motives for how he acts towards you, I feel confident saying he's not clueless as to your feelings for him or the messages he's sending out. Sending you love songs, sexting, saying he wishes he could clone you, those are all very deliberate choices, and ones where it's pretty hard to think of another way he'd assume you'd interpret them.

Since the ambiguity (and the mixed messages in that he acts like he wants to be with you but then isn't) is hurting you and keeping you in a sort of limbo, how do you feel about talking to him about all this? Have the two of you ever had a really frank conversation about how you feel about each other?

I have actually been there-- or very close to there, a couple details don't quite line up but a lot of them do-- and while I obviously don't know about your guy, with my guy the answer was that he truly wanted casual dating/sex/romance. (He did get into an exclusive relationship later that year, but it didn't last long. He got back together with that girlfriend years later and they're still together. So, again, as far as I can tell he just didn't want to be exclusive at all back when we were involved.)

One thing I wish I could tell my past self is it's not up to you to make someone choose a relationship with you. I'd keep thinking if I was just more [insert thing here], or if I'd done [insert thing here] differently, he would have been my boyfriend. When really, he would have been if he'd wanted to be.

And another thing: you don't actually have to know there's no chance of ever being with him to move on. You can decide for yourself not to ever be in a relationship will him, just to accept the way things or. Or at least decide you won't be with him unless he's the one to bring it up, and assume that means you won't be with him. That's hard if you feel like this is the last person who will ever like you (I was there for sure), but it could be freeing. (I regret not trying it.)