Scarleteen

Hi folks! Hope everyone is doing well and staying safe during these tough times. <3

Seeing as this quarantine is gonna be going on indefinitely, I wanted to ask other single people who want to find a partner: how have you been healthily coping and reframing things for yourselves while in quarantine?

Though I’m totally happy for my friends in happy relationships, and even though I acknowledge that I have a lot to feel grateful for, I’ve unfortunately also found myself getting jealous of friends who are currently in happy relationships.

Part of this probably comes from the fact that I was actively trying to date for a while, and have yet to be in a relationship myself— it seemed like I was about to be, but then I had a pretty hurtful experience of this person I had been seeing for a couple months ghosting me right before quarantine started. (Don't worry, I’m aware that feeling jealous isn’t great, and I’m working on it, but I’m also trying to give myself some grace for having normal human feelings.)

Sidenote: I 100% feel that this quarantine is necessary, and I absolutely think there are WAY bigger fish to fry during these trying times: like fear of me or my loved ones getting sick or dying (especially those who are vulnerable and/or essential workers), people losing their jobs, etc.

Luckily I have other things going on in my life that I’m a part of, and lots of friends who I’m thankful are in my life. But this is just something I’m curious to know if other single people seeking partnership have found good ways to look at things, or cope with circumstances being what they currently are. Thanks in advance for any input!

Hey

You 100% get to have normal human feelings! I'm glad you're giving yourself some grace, and it sounds like you have some nuanced thinking around all this, which is great.

So, I'm also single and had been thinking about maybe starting to date again - in a more slow and careful way than perhaps I'm used to! - as restrictions ease in my country. Some people are building new romantic relationships at a distance, following the guidance, laying foundations for when things eventually settle into a new normal. After a bit of thought I decided not to for a while. I know you were asking for people who are wanting to find a partner to respond, so bear with me here.

Deciding not to for a fixed period of time reframed things for me by putting me back in control. It feels like a decision I am making for myself, to prioritise other things. I looked at all the other things I'm excited about in my life - projects that I am able to put time into as my usual hectic schedule is on pause, friendships that are deeply fulfilling - and decided that that is where I want to put my time and attention. I gave it a reassessment date, and in a few months time I will think again based on what my priorities are and what the world looks like. In the meantime I am free to just put my attention elsewhere and not worry about it.

In summary:
- What decisions are you in control of? Try making those choices conscious ones!
- What other things are you excited about? Being single gives you more time to focus on these!

It's also worth bearing in mind that this is not forever - indefinite yes, forever no - so living in the now doesn't mean sacrificing any chances of a romantic partnership in the future. It may not feel like it but there is always time. It also sounds like you are healing from some hurts, so giving yourself time and attention to move through that without additional pressures puts you in a good place when dating is back on the cards again.

Does any of that help/resonate with you?

Hi Siân! So sorry I totally forgot to respond, and thanks for replying!! Things have been crazy on my end and I had to deal with an emergency (unrelated to covid). Let me respond to this in chunks.

Siân wrote: You 100% get to have normal human feelings! I'm glad you're giving yourself some grace, and it sounds like you have some nuanced thinking around all this, which is great.

Thanks! Yeah, it's been hard to cut myself some slack for having normal human emotions, so I appreciate you saying that and validating my feelings.

Siân wrote: Deciding not to [date] for a fixed period of time reframed things for me by putting me back in control. It feels like a decision I am making for myself, to prioritise other things. I looked at all the other things I'm excited about in my life - projects that I am able to put time into as my usual hectic schedule is on pause, friendships that are deeply fulfilling - and decided that that is where I want to put my time and attention. I gave it a reassessment date, and in a few months time I will think again based on what my priorities are and what the world looks like. In the meantime I am free to just put my attention elsewhere and not worry about it.

Wow, I REALLY like this idea a lot! The idea of assigning this a reassessment date feels kind of empowering to be honest-- because it feels like I have more agency in all this despite the fact that I have zero control over the state of the world, if that makes sense?

Siân wrote: In summary:
- What decisions are you in control of? Try making those choices conscious ones!

Going to therapy (virtually), connecting with friends and not isolating (online), cuddling my newly-adopted sweetheart of a cat (and booping his nose!), going to online recovery meetings, cooking things I like for myself, treating myself to a couple fun items, and getting back in touch with my creativity.

Siân wrote:- What other things are you excited about? Being single gives you more time to focus on these!

I'm planning on taking (virtual) voice lessons again this month, which I'm very excited about! I want to work on doing more song covers, maybe doing some general writing (whether it's music, poetry, or neither). I also want to get a tarot card deck and practice doing readings with those, and I have oil pastels I can get back into drawing with, and a couple other interesting things too!

Siân wrote: It's also worth bearing in mind that this is not forever - indefinite yes, forever no - so living in the now doesn't mean sacrificing any chances of a romantic partnership in the future. It may not feel like it but there is always time.

Wow yeah, those are very good points! Yeah, my brain automatically goes to the black-and-white thinking of like, "Welp, guess this is gonna last forever and I'll be forever alone! It's too late for me, there's no time left, I've missed the boat, I guess." Instead of the more realistic viewpoint you've pointed out with the distinction between "indefinite" vs. "forever".

Siân wrote: It also sounds like you are healing from some hurts, so giving yourself time and attention to move through that without additional pressures puts you in a good place when dating is back on the cards again.

Yeahhh..... I'm definitely healing from some hurts. I didn't realize I still had issues with fear of abandonment until I got ghosted, so... maybe that's something I should talk about more with my therapist tbh. lol But yeah, I like the idea of being able to have time to work through that so that I'll be in a better place when I'm able to start dating again.

Because honestly, now that I think about it: I'm very much scared to make myself vulnerable again after what happened before quarantine, so that's something I definitely need to work through. It just scares me because I'm not sure how to prevent someone from ghosting me again, you know? Or what signs to look out for when they seemed super interested the whole time... I guess it still hurts more than I'd like to admit, and it makes me scared to open up and trust people I try to date in the future.

Siân wrote: Does any of that help/resonate with you?

Yes, that all helps A LOT! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post-- I really appreciate it I guess I just need to keep reminding myself of these things when those feelings of jealousy inevitably come up from time to time.

I'm glad to hear you're doing positive things for yourself like staying connected to friends and support systems and keeping up with fun things! Plus I am so excited about your new cat of course. Things are so weird right now, for so many people, and in the US especially stuff is SO up in the air because of how terrible the official response to covid has been; I think it can be hard to focus on much of anything or make positive plans at all right now. It certainly has been for me! So I'm glad you're working on some positive changes and finding new things to jump into.

I think talking with your therapist about worries about abandonment & ghosting might be a good idea! The tricky thing about ghosting is that while you say you aren't sure how to prevent it from happening again, ultimately it isn't something you can prevent at all. I don't say that to scare you, or to downplay how genuinely hurtful and upsetting it can be, but just to remind you that you aren't and can't be responsible for someone else's actions and how they choose to communicate.
The times I've been ghosted by people and have felt pretty hurt by it, I've come to the conclusion (generally after a good while and much of the initial pain has passed) that the cause was probably not a feeling that I wasn't even worth a direct reply, but that the people who chose to drop contact abruptly were dealing with some complicated circumstances either with me or with other things in their lives and were probably conflict-avoidant enough that they put off explaining it to me long enough that they eventually figured it wasn't worth it. That's hurtful in a way on its own, I think, but some distance has made me think, for the most part, that these ghostings weren't just about me or something I should have done differently, if that makes sense. Again, I don't say that like it isn't still terrible! But I'd encourage you not to approach it as something that it is your job to prevent.

Mo wrote:I'm glad to hear you're doing positive things for yourself like staying connected to friends and support systems and keeping up with fun things! Plus I am so excited about your new cat of course. Things are so weird right now, for so many people, and in the US especially stuff is SO up in the air because of how terrible the official response to covid has been; I think it can be hard to focus on much of anything or make positive plans at all right now. It certainly has been for me! So I'm glad you're working on some positive changes and finding new things to jump into.

Thanks! I mean, yeah, there's nothing I can really do about the pandemic (or our government's crappy response to covid). So might as well try to stay safe and do some things that I like, I guess!

And yes, my furbaby is literally the best!! <3

Mo wrote:I think talking with your therapist about worries about abandonment & ghosting might be a good idea! The tricky thing about ghosting is that while you say you aren't sure how to prevent it from happening again, ultimately it isn't something you can prevent at all. I don't say that to scare you, or to downplay how genuinely hurtful and upsetting it can be, but just to remind you that you aren't and can't be responsible for someone else's actions and how they choose to communicate.

No, I totally don't think you're downplaying my feelings! Yeah, it's definitely a helpful reminder to have that I can't really predict or prevent someone from ghosting... which I guess makes it all the more scary, because it's not something I have control over, you know? Fun times.

And it also sucks, because I've been the ghoster-- years ago I used to ghost close friends (or even institutions?!) because I was so severely conflict-avoidant about expressing my needs or setting boundaries. Luckily, when I made an amends to one of them, we ended up rekindling our friendship. So I feel like on some level, it's almost like punishment or karma for the times in active addiction when I would ghost... which is not a fun feeling. It's a good reminder to not go back to those ways.

Mo wrote:The times I've been ghosted by people and have felt pretty hurt by it, I've come to the conclusion (generally after a good while and much of the initial pain has passed) that the cause was probably not a feeling that I wasn't even worth a direct reply, but that the people who chose to drop contact abruptly were dealing with some complicated circumstances either with me or with other things in their lives and were probably conflict-avoidant enough that they put off explaining it to me long enough that they eventually figured it wasn't worth it. That's hurtful in a way on its own, I think, but some distance has made me think, for the most part, that these ghostings weren't just about me or something I should have done differently, if that makes sense. Again, I don't say that like it isn't still terrible! But I'd encourage you not to approach it as something that it is your job to prevent.

Yeahhh... No, you're totally right! This is all stuff I logically agree with and have thought about, but I think it's just understanding that on an emotional level that I need to work on.

Now that I'm typing it all out.... I think people ghosting me feeds into this core belief I have about myself which is that "No one will want to be there for me" therefore "I'm not lovable/good enough". Wow.... yeah, that clearly runs deep. lol

I can 100% relate to that feeling of logically knowing something but having a harder time understanding and internalizing it emotionally. I do think that being aware of that is the first step towards internalizing it, so it's good that you're noticing it.

Hi MusicNerd!

I've not been able to be here much for the last couple of months but now I'm back I just wanted to say that I'm so pleased that you found my response helpful! If you ever want to pick any of this up again we're right here