Quarantine distance relationship

[Liltimmyt]

Hello. I’ve talked about this before...but I wanted to hear thoughts about it now. So I’ve been talking to this guy from Oregon I met on tinder for four months. I’m from Wisconsin so we wouldn’t be able to easily meet even if we weren’t in the midst of a global pandemic. He is so great and although we at first thought we’d just be casual and have fun (send nudes and sext) it’s progressed to where we only talk to each other. We’re loyal to each other. We talk everyday through snapchat. We know everything about each other. He says he really likes me and I make him happy. He hasn’t the best experience in past relationships (he doesn’t choose great girls and is always dumped). I’ve never been in a relationship. I want to visit him and actually meet, or at least talk on the phone or FaceTime. He says he doesn’t like distance, and had an unsuccessful distance relationship before. I’ve told him it can be no strings attached and we’d just hang out and see how things go. But he says he’s awkward and scared. So I’m not sure if it’s something about me, if it’s the distance, or something else that’s making him feel that way. I care about him a lot and I know I treat him a lot better than other girls have. His longest relationship was five months and him and I have been talking for four months. I don’t want to pressure him, but it’s hard for me to understand why he’s not excited about meeting me if he says the things he does to me. What can I do to comfort him? Is it bad to want to rationalize his fears of meeting me? I just know we’d get along so well and it’s frustrating he’s so resistant after such a long time.

[Alexa]

Hey Liltimmyt,

I noticed that you were having this trouble with him about a month ago -- so it seems you've been talking for some time about whether you want to video or phone chat. While he hasn't been open to it, it sounds like that kind of closeness is really important to you.

Sometimes we like many things about a person, but fundamentally, our needs are very different. In those cases it can be hard to get what you need from each other to have a healthy relationship, regardless of how much you care for each other. Have you thought about whether it may be a good idea to agree that you need to pursue meeting other people whose needs are closer to your own?

[Liltimmyt]

I ended up telling him I needed a break from him. I think you’re right and that overall the relationship wasn’t healthy for me and made me question my worth. Even so, he’s the nicest and most understanding guy I’ve talked to so I do still feel at a loss and I already miss him a lot. For some reason I just never meet nice guys. I don’t know if it’s the dating culture these days or what but now I’m almost regretting ending things with him because maybe it’s better to have something imperfect than nothing at all. I really want to talk to him again, even just as friends. Do you think I could ever do that? I feel like I’m need of people to talk to now since I’m so socially isolated at the moment. But I also feel like I need time to heal from how I felt because of him.

[Sam W]

Hi Liltimmyt,

It's totally natural to miss someone after ending a relationship with them, even if the relationship wasn't meeting your needs in some important way. If you haven't already read it, this article talks about how to cope with rough feelings after a break-up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking. It may be that you and he could be friends down the line, but we generally recommend people wait until they're all the way over a break up before trying to be friends with an ex.

Dating can certainly be frustrating, especially now with the pandemic setting everything to hard mode. Can you give me a sense of how you generally meet potential partners?

I think what Alexa mentioned about incompatibility is helpful; that is, while no relationship is perfect, there are certain mismatches that mean a relationship isn't a good fit for the people involved. Things like wildly different communication needs are one of those things.

[Liltimmyt]

The article was helpful, thanks. I am still regretting my decision and wondering if I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. Even though he said he never wanted to be anything more than what we were because of distance, he was still a really nice and understanding person and we had a lot in common. Now I feel like I lost him forever. I just feel like I did it because I was afraid of rejection and wanted to reject him before he could reject me if that makes sense. But I can’t tell if how I felt was valid or if it was my anxiety and depression. And to answer your question, I’ve currently been meeting people through dating apps like tinder and bumble. A friend just suggested hinge to me, but I feel like I’d rather meet someone in person. And for right now, I’m not interested in looking for someone new since I’m still kinda getting over the boy I broke things off with.

[Sam W]

I'm glad it was helpful!

It's totally common to feel some regrets or second guess yourself after a break-up; when we leave something that was making us happy in some ways, it makes a lot of sense that we'd miss the parts of it that we enjoyed. One thing that can sometimes help is to remember that the traits you liked in him--that he was nice and understanding and had things in common with you--are things that you'll find in other people down the line, people who are more compatible with you around things like what you each need from the relationship.

You mention being worried that your anxiety or depression played a role in ending things. If you're currently seeing a therapist for those issues, have you been able to talk to them about this situation?