Scarleteen

Hello all,

HUGE CW: internalized racism, dysphoria and mentions of George Floyd

As the title reads I've been having a super rough time with this topic.

I've been struggling heavily with gender dysphoria since the events concerning George Floyd and having constant reminders of racism and police brutality shoved in my face more so than usual.

I've had two situations involving two white girls that shared a living space with my partner before they went home. The lack of control and overwhelming feeling of powerlessness because I "pass" as a cis black man is absolutely awful.

It some cases when I was staying with my partner and sharing the space with these racist people it led to instances where I absolutely HATED my body. I remember one in particular I just sobbed for at least am hour and wished I wasn't black. Being queer and struggling with dysphoria is one thing but the race factor changes everything.

For white transmasc people who want to go on T, starting it is a new beginning and great privilege. As for myself, it felt more like a potential death sentence and guranteed increased anxiety around my safety.

Despite that as mentioned in other posts I've made, I feel like I look too manly or not man enough. I even had a conversation with my mom about if I ever got into a fight. She said she would rather me fight a cis woman because she feels a cis man could legitimately hurt me. I said I'd rather fight a cis man because if I'm seen by anyone who's not anti-racist fighting a cis woman I could get killed for it. My blackness just adds a layer of pain because I know regardless of my gender, anything I can say or do will always be used against me and in every fight I'm in I won't ever "win" against a white racist.

Note: My partner could not choose their roommates as this was college related housing. Also there's only so much they can do to comfort me as they are also white. The best they've done is held me and let me cry/feel whatever until it passes.

I know this conversation would be better had in therapy but my therapist (who I love to bits, I know she's anti-racist and an ally to queer folks) is still a white cishet person and wouldn't be able to truly understand my situation.

This is a post really calling for coping skills. I try to distract myself as much as I can, I can't workout yet because I know my other habits make it harder for me to do it without over-working my body. I have racist incidents occur in my hobbies like music too. It feels inescapable but I still want to know if any black queer folks have a method to cope with these awful feelings that I haven't tried yet.

Thank y'all for allowing me to vent. I'm still doing the best I can.

Hi Buddyboi,

I don't want to take up too much space here, because I think this is a place where the voices of queer black folks should be center. I mainly want to say that everything you're dealing with, the interplay between race and gender and how that makes things even scarier for trans and nonbinary, is such an awful stew of B.S and I wish you didn't have to deal with it. I do want to offer: would finding spaces specifically for trans masc folks of color be helpful for you right now?

Hi Sam,

So I do have, at most, two spaces. The thing that sucks is that one space is significantly small like roughly 10 people small so there's not as much contribution, plus people are all suffering and may be dealing with something similar. They may not have the spoons to talk about every little messed up thing or just want to ignore it entirely which is valid.

As for larger black transmasc/queer focused groups I run into the same problem with other general transmasc groups; they're horrifically toxically masculine. Traditional black masculinity is hypermasculine by default so I may find black transmen who are aggressively against nonbinary folks and even go as far to be transmeds and it's awful.

I feel out of place which is why I've made more open posts in hopes someone can relate to where I am right now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to exercise self compassion so I can at least keep myself at ease for what I'm feeling.

Thanks for the response c:

Self-compassion is definitely a good starting place. Sometimes being kind to ourselves is the most we can do when the world is hostile to our identity(s). And ugh, it sucks that toxic masculinity is still prevalent in transmasc spaces; I know a lot of folks are working to dismantle it and build better spaces, but it's still an uphill battle (especially when you add in racial or cultural expectations around gender). I do want to ask if you've seen Trans in Color's TBuddy program; It's by and for trans masculine folks I did a little digging and it looks to be nonbinary inclusive. So, that might be another option for those days where you're looking for some extra support: https://www.tbuddy.us/

I have heard of the TBuddy program! I guess I've steered clear of it or never really thought of it because I feel very awkward. Also on the surface it looks more like a big bro/little bro program tbh. I also feel nervous because a lot of my interactions with other black folk growing up was not being or feeling "black enough". In larger black queer groups I still feel like I'm falling into that "not black enough" area and end up feeling inherently awkward and nervous by default.

I will try to do more research on it before going all in. Thank you for sending this!

Hi BuddyBoi!

I'm so sorry you're having to contend with this at all.

I think I just wanted to add that connecting with people with the aim of supporting eachother does involve the positive impact you will have on that connection too.

You know that putting people down for being 'not black enough' or promoting particularly 'toxic' versions of masculinity is not cool. There will be many who will come from a similar stand point as you, and also many who haven't thought about it that much. If reaching out results in a not-so-great experience it doesn't mean you're stuck with it, or that you have no power to change it, or end it in favour of a healthier connection elsewhere. This fear would be a really good thing to talk about, especially with other people who are seeking eachother as I'm guessing you're very much not alone in having those feelings!

I hope the research and possibility of getting involved goes well!