Masturbation, antidepressants, stopping period, not a boy but want a penis, etc

[Lande]

Hello! I have many unrelated questions.

A bit about myself: I'm a nonbinary girl/part-agender part-girl, a lesbian, AFAB with a vulva, and strictly into other girls/people who are female-aligned while not being male-aligned.



1. After I masturbate, my hands/fingers smell. Washing my hands doesn't help much unless I do it very thoroughly and as soon as I'm done while using a specific soap, but even then, the smell tends to linger. Is this normal, and how can I get rid of the smell? I'm super sensitive to smells and it bothers me.


2. My therapist and I agree that while I don't have depression, just some depressive tendencies, antidepressants could be a great help to me for things like motivation and executive dysfunction (I am Autistic). However, on top of being terrified of anything that effects how my brain works like drugs, medicine, and alcohol, I fear the sexual side effects. I've read that sexual side effects are extremely common with antidepressants and can even be permanent. Not to mention the fact that weaning off antidepressants can be impossible for some, as the effects of withdrawal are intolerably painful (brain zaps, etc), suggesting that antidepressants can permanently change the way your brain works. This is one of my biggest fears, period.

I also do not feel like my mental health is "bad" enough to justify taking antidepressants; I feel like there's still much more I can do with therapy, mindset changes, environment changes and the like. I have had severe depression for a few months in the past due to a difficult situation and if that was a 10/10 on the suffering scale, right now I must be sitting at 2, maybe 3 on my worst days. If I were feeling worse, or were in a more difficult situation, I may consider taking antidepressants despite my fears, but right now it seems like I stand to lose too much and not gain enough.

Just the thought of taking antidepressants makes me feel awful. I don't want to permanently damage my sexual functions before I've even had sex with anyone. But in the meantime, I really am struggling with a lot of things that I know antidepressants may help with and the dilemma just makes me feel like crap. I've decided to not take antidepressants for now and to reconsider if my mental health happens to worsen significantly, but I would appreciate general input/advice on this issue. I haven't told my general practitioner that I haven't taken the antidepressants she's prescribed me, and I'm scared to bring up the sexual effects as one of my (numerous) concerns because it's embarrassing and I worry she may dismiss it as not important because I'm Autistic, not sexually active, or any other reason.


3. How can I permanently stop having my period? I don't care about fertility at all and I don't want to take a contraceptive pill due to the side effects, nor go on testosterone. What are the safest options? If I were to go through with it, could it potentially cause issues due to the fact that I wouldn't be able to monitor my cycle and figure out if there's something wrong physically, or is that only relevant if one cares about fertility/conceiving?


4. I am 100% certain that I am NOT a boy/man in any way, shape or form. But sometimes I wish I had a penis, just to have sex using it. It can't be replaced by a dildo/strapon/strapless, though I don't dislike them; it has to be an actual penis, ideally one that can ejaculate. I'm particularly into the idea of penetrating a partner with it.

I don't have body dysphoria, least of all genitals dysphoria. I hate it when people see my breasts or general appearance and assume that I am a woman because of it, but I don't mind the breasts and vulva in and of themselves (aside from the period, which sucks because it's uncomfortable, annoying, expensive and occasionally painful). The only ways to make me dysphoric that I know of are to imply that bodies with breasts/vulvas or periods are always/inherently a "woman"/female thing, or call me a woman instead of a girl. My wanting a penis has absolutely nothing to do with my gender/body dysphoria or lack thereof; it's purely for the sake of having it and using it during sex.

That being said, my ideal body is one where I could somehow magically change my breast size at will (ideally make them tiny/nonexistent while I'm in public and bigger when I'm masturbating or having sex), and "put on" and "take off" a penis that has the ability to ejaculate while keeping my vulva fully intact. This will only ever be a pipe dream as I do not want to go through any kind of SRS, nor do I think I would even be able to. Besides, what I want is impossible.

This isn't really a question, I suppose? I just feel like this is a really unusual and I wonder if other people feel this way.


5. When it comes to partners, while I don't mind vulvas, I much prefer penises. Due to this, I'm concerned that this may be a fetishizing behavior? After all, I'm not into men at all, and the only people who are women/female and have penises are trans women - with maybe the odd expection of an AFAB girl/woman who got SRS at some point. I am by no means exclusively into trans women or people who have penises (the only person I ever dated was a cis girl and it was a LDR where we didn't even get the chance to meet in person a single time). I also would not discount dating a trans woman if she did not have a penis, planned on getting SRS at a later time, or did not want to use her birth genitals in a sexual situation.

I am aware that for many trans women, using their birth genitals during sex to penetrate their partner (or at all) is a big no-no and dysphoria-inducing. Except being penetrated by a penis happens to be something I'm really into, at least in theory, which makes me worry I'm "bad" for wanting it. (I would not force anyone to do any sex act that they did not want to do, just to make things very clear.) Again, it can't be substituted with a dildo/strapon/strapless because I really enjoy the thought of "direct" contact like that between two partners, and love the idea of being ejaculated into. I also enjoy fanart of female characters with breasts and a penis and I especially enjoy it when they use their penis to penetrate a female partner.

This ties into the previous question as well. I wonder if I like the idea of having sex involving a penis because I want to have one sometimes? Like, as a projection thing? I also feel like I'm not "allowed" to enjoy fanart of these female characters with dicks because I'm not targeted by transmisogyny, and may be fetishizing trans women. But maybe my genuinely wanting to have a penis sometimes means I'm not "bad" for enjoying it since it's also my experience/"dream" in a way. And at last, I worry that some dysphoric trans women may be weirded out or offended by my wanting a penis while being an AFAB girl. Help!



I realize this is a long post that covers a lot of different topics, so don't feel obligated to address every single topic at once especifically if some of these things aren't part of your... area of expertise, I guess? As long as I get some answers on each of these questions/concerns, even if it's from different people, I'm good. Thanks for reading!

[Alexa]

Hey Lande!

I'm going to do my best to address all of this! <3

1. Admittedly, washing your hands thoroughly is going to be your best bet. There are some soaps out there that are specifically advertised as "odor-neutralizing" that may be helpful, but I haven't used them myself so I can't attest. One other thing that might work -- and this is just conjecture -- is an exfoliating hand scrub. You won't want to overuse it so as not to irritate your hands, but it may help remove bodily fluids that are causing odor.

2. I have to say, pre-emptively, that our staff are not mental health experts or pharmacologists! That being said, it's really important to be able to discuss these concerns with your medical provider. Maybe what we can work on here is why that's uncomfortable for you and how to combat that? Would you like to say more about that? Re: being autistic, folks with autism are just as entitled to a healthy sex life as anyone else -- and if your doctor doesn't see that, it may be time for a new one!

3. Outside of the birth control pill and testosterone, I am inclined to suggest you look into a hormonal IUD if you don't want to have a period. This is a common side effect of IUD usage, and because the hormones are localized, many people experience fewer symptoms commonly associated with hormonal birth control usage. Period cessation on hormonal birth control is perfectly healthy.

4. Desiring any kind of body is perfectly normal! Not everyone fits within the binary in terms of how they want their body to look and feel. And while we can't (yet!) perfectly engineer detachable breasts/penises/etc., there are definitely binders and prosthetics at your disposal should you want them.

5. It is okay to be attracted to what you are attracted to! I would say the most important points here are things you already seem aware of -- first, that you should never dictate the type of sex your partner has with you based on your own desire/despite their own comfort and desire; and second, "requiring" that your partner has a certain kind of genitalia.

I can't speak to whether you are attracted to penises solely because you desire them or because you sometimes want one, but what I would ask is -- why does it matter? Can't both exist together? And if it does matter, let's talk more about why!

I hope this helps. Excited to hear your thoughts about all of it.