TW/ I can’t orgasm with my partner

[misterjack]

Hi Scarleteen Boards,

I’ve always found it very difficult to orgasm with a sexual partner. Before I met my current partner, I think I only orgasmed 3 times from around 15 different partners. I’ve been with my current partner for almost 2 years, and at the beginning of the relationship, after she learned what made me tick, I’d get there in around 40 minutes, which was great. But for the last year or so I just cant seem to reach that place any more. I become numb or it starts getting painful or I get upset. As such we don’t have sex nearly as often as she’d like. We’ve talked about it a number of times and she’s come to terms with it and currently we have sex without me reaching orgasm, but sometimes it leaves me unfulfilled.

Some background:
* I was molested by my mother’s live-in partner when I was 9 to 12 years old. I’ve tried to work through it with different therapists but I can never bring myself to explore it properly.
* I had the non-hormonal IUD fitted about 6 years ago and had a very negative and painful experience with it. I removed it when my last serious partner and I broke up but still experience the same kind of pain in my womb/cervix area from time to time. I had a cervical biopsy not long ago due to this (they found a small amount of bruising) and thankfully it came back negative.
* Until I met my current partner, my relationship with sex has changed a lot. I’ve fluctuated between using it as a form of self harm to a tool for manipulation and ego boosting. Only in the last 3 years or so have I started really understanding the impact this was having on myself and others. At the moment I’m learning that sex is a form of intimacy and sharing.
* I think I may have desensitized myself with porn. I used to be able to get off from most things, but now only a very specific type of watersports porn does it for me. That’s the only way I can do it. My partner and I both know and accept that we both watch porn, and sometimes we watch it together. I stayed off the porn for a few months to see if that would have an impact on our sex life but unfortunately it didn’t. We’ve tried to incorporate watersports into our sex life but I feel a lot of shame around it.

I’m wondering whether anyone else has had a similar experience, or has any tips on how to deal with this. I have such a positive and fulfilling relationship with my partner aside from this, and I’m worried that it’ll cause problems down the line.

Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi misterjack,

It can definitely be frustrating to feel like you're finally getting the hang of how your body enjoys itself during sex only to run up against a wall. And I'm so sorry that there are things like assault in the mix with all of this.

There are a few different starting places we could go with this conversation, so I'll let you decide what things you'd like to tackle first. For instance, would it be helpful to talk about ways of finding support and a therapeutic space to talk about the molestation, to see if that's influencing things? Would it be helpful to talk about things you and your partner could try to, for lack of a better word, mix things up? Something else?

[misterjack]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for posting in this so quickly! Is there a place on this website where I could begin to talk about my molestation?

I’ll have a look for resources to shake things up for us. I’ve had a quick scroll through the checklist that you have on here and it looks really useful, so I’ll see if she’s down to take a look too.

Also, do you think we could have a discussion around the shame that I feel sometimes when I can’t orgasm, and about the shame surrounding my kink.

Thanks again!

[misterjack]

Btw you’re so right about running up against a wall! It literally feels like a massive red brick wall

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And I'm glad the checklist looks helpful, it's a great resource to go through with a partner.

And you're certainly welcome to ask for support around or to talk about the molestation here on the boards. Or, if you'd prefer a little more privacy for that conversation, you can also check out our live chat when it's available. Does one of those sound good?

And we can absolutely talk about that shame you're feeling around those topics. To start, can you tell me if the shame focuses on a specific set of thoughts? For instance thoughts like, "I'm bad because X thing isn't a 'normal'" desire" or "I'm bad because I'm letting my partner down."

[misterjack]

The online chat looks like a good first step, I’ll get on it later today when it’s open.


As for the shame re kink, I’ve recently discovered that it’s more common than I first thought, which helps a lot, but I have particular concerns about the messiness of it and the thought of getting a wash immediately after, but then losing the excitement while getting washed, which has happened before. I suppose I could try things which aren’t as messy, like using towels. But idk there’s something about it that makes me feel so filthy for being turned on by it. It’s like there’s a massive disconnect between my brain and my genitals.
And yes, re orgasm shame, I do very much feel like I’m letting my partner down, and I feel like I’m wasting my partner’s time and energy even though she’s very reassuring. I often beat myself up for not being ‘normal’ in that respect. As well, I feel like I’m not as attracted to her as I should be, and I feel a lot of shame around this too.

[Mo]

I wonder if it would be helpful to try and approach sex with the end goal being pleasure and intimacy, with orgasm being less of a goal and more something that's nice if it happens but doesn't signal failure if it doesn't? One tricky thing about orgasms is that stress and worry about not having one will generally make one less likely to happen, so it can be a self-perpetuating issue, especially if you are worried about letting a partner down in some way by not having one.
If you go into sex thinking that the goal is for everyone to have an orgasm, that isn't always something you or anyone else can guarantee will happen, even if you're trying really hard, but helping a partner feel good, creating closeness, or exploring fantasy together can be easier to achieve. Does that feel like something you could talk to your partner about?