Scarleteen

how do I convince my mom that she doesn't have the right to forbid me from sleeping over at my girlfriend's place because she doesn't believe in pre-engagement sex (which is itself really a cover for the fact that she just wants to control that aspect of my life as an extension of her general desire to control my life and have me not grow up as an independent adult)? I feel like she'll pull the "you can vote but you can't drink yet and oooh look study that says the brain stops developing at age 24" (I'm 18 almost 19)
as if that means I'm somehow a) not really an adult and/or b) that because of that I'm less of a person with agency because of that
when like
its literally not about "maturity" it's a basic issue of she doesn't have the right to control that aspect of my life
(Covid risk wrt this meeting is a separate issue that is already settled that I would rather not discuss here and now)

Hi Bikinksterboy!

This is such a tough spot to be in, I think many many people have strained relationships with their parents when trying to establish independence.

It can be very difficult for parents to allow or accept that their children have become adults, for a host of reasons... powerlessness to protect, fears that you will grow apart from them, loneliness. Depending on their experiences it can lead to controlling behaviour but I think it's really useful to remember that it comes from a place of fear or uncertainty.

It's very very feelings based! So I wouldn't recommend basing your response on any scientific arguments about maturity, because I strongly doubt that science has anything to do with where her words are coming from.

Feeling controlled can make us depressed, and angry and some of that can take some time to heal from so I wouldn't expect you to forget your feelings just to accomodate hers. But that doesn't mean you can't dig deeper with her, and try and empathise, while being honest about how upsetting it is for you.

I guess this is a situation I have been in with parents when I realise that I have to be the one to provide a positive example and be patient while they need to be the ones struggling to learn from me.

Rediscovering and voicing any positives, and demonstrating what a positive relationship could be like between you is bound to help with any defensiveness you recieve.

Like "I'm sorry we argued, are you ok?"

You can ask questions to help you empathise... "Are you scared something bad will happen to me and you will be blamed?" "Are you scared that this is the beginning of me leaving you and forgetting about you?" is it something else?

If she's willing to have those conversations maybe you can offer reassurance or solutions like "I'll rebuke anyone who judges you" or "I'll do everything I can to keep a positive relationship with you as I get older".

I would strongly hope she could appreciate your efforts to understand her, she may still insist, and may not be ready for any of those conversations. I know my family weren't, but I think showing that you have tried demonstrates the maturity you are trying to prove and can make it easier to state boundaries.

You might simply have to continue to do things without her approval, and try not to state those boundaries with anger if you can help it...

Maybe something like: "I'm going to visit my girlfriend even though you've told me not to, I understand that's scary to you and that your beliefs say I should do as I'm told but I want you to know I'm going because I'm growing up and have to start respecting what I believe and care about too, not because I don't respect you and care about you."

Hi friend, I am dealing with something similar to what you wrote about. It seems that my mom and your mom would get along great with just the few views you have expressed in your post. I will be 20 years old in less than a month, and my parents still will not let me spend the night at my serious boyfriend's house even though his dad and step-mom, and step-brother will all be home. Both of my parents are narcissists and I've recently just come to terms with them being so. One piece of advice I read and really took to heart was posted by someone on reddit under r/raisedbynarcissists was "spare their feelings, since they do not care about yours" and that has helped more than one time in the last week. It was this advice that allowed me to talk to them about visiting my boyfriend's family for Christmas this week. You may think you have no control over your life, but that is because your mom has conditioned you to feel that way, and once you realize that, you're pretty much unstoppable. It will be scary at times to step up for yourself and use your voice, but don't spare your mom's feelings, because she most likely won't spare yours. Sending love and good vibes to you <3

this situation changed a lot since I made the post and looking back I was extremely emotional and in a vulnerable place when making it. I ended up not going that time because it really was not safe. Back early pandemic we were all so naive about safety. Since then I've visited for extended stays a few times when it was safer, and I pretty much have that whole routine down to a science. issues with mom have not come up since.

Hi bikinksterboy,

This is great to hear! I am glad issues with your mom haven't come up since this situation and you have everything figured out. Take care!