Scarleteen

Hey, so earlier i used to feel extremely ecstatic when i used to masturbate vaginally or through clit stimulation. I still feel pleasurized when i perform clit stimulation and i do climax everytime. But now whenever i try to finger myself i always end up feeling almost nothing no matter how long or hard i try. This makes me so overwhelmed i end up crying after every session.
Also this year in the beginning i had to go through a rough break up. During the suffering stages, i wasn't able to touch myself due to severe mental and physical PTSD of the relationship, all the intimate moments i shared w the SO were haunting and i always ended up having a breakdown. I was able to overcome it somehow,
But since then, I haven't been able to feel so ecstatic as i used to feel while masturbating vaginally. I don't face much problem with clit stimulation. It's just that I haven't been able to feel myself so intensely as I used to earlier since i started masturbation.
Side note: I still get turned on, but even then i am not able to feel how i used to.
Did i vandalized my sexual desires? How do i overcome this? I want to feel myself as i used to earlier. Please suggest something i can do to get throught this, should i be worried?

Hi User0811,

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that you are living with PTSD and that it's affecting your relationship to your body. I know that can be so hard to navigate. I want to affirm that you did not do anything wrong, and certainly didn't "vandalize" your own sexual desires! PTSD and its underlying causes are not your fault.

It makes sense, and is certainly common, for this to change how you feel when touching yourself. I know that this may or may not be your *exact* personal experience, but I really think our new article -- Late Bloomer: A Guide to Orgasm After Rape -- might provide some tips for getting back to your body & pleasure after a toxic relationship.

In the end, it's also okay if the way you experience pleasure is different now! <3 That happens to all of us over the life course. Getting to know what your body wants along your life course is every-changing and can be so rewarding.

Do you want to talk a bit about how this change in your bodily pleasure has affected you, or how you've been coping? I know you said you need help "getting through it" and maybe talking through your current coping strategies can help us navigate that.

Hey. Just wanted to correct, the relationship wasn't toxic at all. The intimate moments were haunting me AFTER the break up. I had ptsd for a while because i couldn't cope up with the seperation and couldn't touch myself w/o thinking about the moments i had with him.This also might be because i was extremely stressed and dealing with regular panic attacks and anxiety. But now I HAVE managed to get past that to an extent or atleast i have learned how to handle my mental health.
The real problem is that I haven't been able to have the euphoria i used to have during and before the relationship, since it ended. And it really worries me. I have started loving myself but the thought of not able to get back to how i was overwhelms me. I just want to feel myself how i used to and this not happening,breaks my self esteem and confidence I've worked so hard to build up.

Hi User0811,

Thank you for that clarification! So, part of what might be going on is that in those earlier sessions of masturbation, part of what made it feel so exciting was that the sensations were pretty new. If you've been masturbating the same way or to the same exact fantasies for awhile, then it can sometimes get boring and not feel as pleasurable as it once did.

Since clitoral masturbation still feels pleasurable and doesn't seem to upset you when you try it, is there a reason you can't just make that the way you masturbate for now? After all, if vaginal fingering is making you miserable when you try it, it makes sense to just set that type of masturbation aside and not do it for awhile.

Thank you for the pertinant suggestion. I think you're right now that i look jnto it, i should obviate vaginal fingering a for a while and give myself some time. Hope this works:)

I think that sounds like a great idea, I hope it goes well.