Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen-Community
I’ve been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for about a year now.
We moved in together this April, adopted a kitten and his family treats me like their own daughter.
I’m his first and he’s totally committed, tells me that I am the most beautiful soul on this earth and that I was the one he going to marry. We have already been through so much and I never felt that ‚at home‘.
Generally I feel like he’s the love of my life.
Still there’s something that somehow turned my world upside down and makes me go insane from time to time.
I’m working at a gym. About 3 years ago, before my bf was my bf, I got to know a guy who became a member in my gym. He added me on FB and asked me out but I declined since he is actually 10 years older than me and I thought 17&27 was a dealbreaker. Over time I forgot and just saw him from time to time so we became distant friends.
Then a few months ago I found our messages on FB again from three years ago.
I don’t know why but this must have triggered something, because from this moment on I saw him with different eyes I guess. I started crushing on him, just a bit at first but it got way worse over the months since we started talking more often or dm´ed on instagram. Maybe I see things slightly differently now since I’m older idk. He still gives me some signs from time to time that he still thinks I’m someone very special to him and he’s still into it.
He knows that I’m in a relationship and has already seen me with my bf, too.
Additionally, as luck would have it, I walk into him constantly in the most random situations.
At the gas station, at the mall, he drives past me when I’m out running etc. etc. And at the gym of course, since we’re both working out regularly and I’m working there.
Last weekend I told him I think we two are just doomed to walk into each other all the time and he answered that he thinks that this might be a sign. He sounded pretty sad and this really broke my heart a little.
I just can’t stop thinking about this hole dilemma. I really don’t want to loose my boyfriend, I know he’s the kindest human on this planet and our love is so special. BUT the urge to at least get to know my crush better is getting stronger the more I'm trying to push it away. I’m just hoping that if I’d get to know him better, I realize it was more a fantasy than something that could work out in reality. I’m panicking a little when thinking of being with one person for the rest of my life, even though on the other hand I really want to do the whole happily ever after thing with my boyfriend.
In addition I feel so incredible guilty for even feeling something for someone other than my bf and since he’s a very empathetic person, he recognized that. I mean, in fact I didn’t even do something but it’s still hard for me to look him in the eyes sometimes.
Hopefully someone of you can give me some advice on this, I cant really talk about this with anyone. Especially not with my boyfriend, I know this would hurt him to much. He’s 1000% monogamous and he just wouldn’t be able to handle this so I keep this from him, which is hard.

Thank you so much for your time

Hi easybreezy,

There are a few different things to untangle here, so let's start with a pretty simple one. It's very common for people in happy relationships to still get crushes from time to time. Even when we love a partner and are happy with them, there will be people out there who, for a variety of reasons, catch our interest. So having this crush isn't a bad thing, nor is it a sign you should be with this other guy.

That being said, sometimes if a crush comes on really strong and we get fixated on it, that's a sign that maybe there's something missing in our relationship with our partner and the crush is helping us fill in that gap. Do you feel like there's anything lacking in your relationship with your boyfriend that your crush is helping you fill?

Now, on to this specific guy. I think it was an incredibly sound decision to turn him down a few years ago. A 27 year old asking out a 17 year old is an instant red flag to me (and to pretty much any sex educator). Too, can you give me a sense of how big a town you live in? And do you seem to be running into him more since you started talking with him more, or were you just bumping into him a lot before that as well?

First, my partner is a little more conservative than me which sometimes makes me feel boxed in.
But only subconsciously. Still it’s exactly this trait which also makes me feel secure coming from a complete unstable family background. Which kinda leads me to the other point:
I moved out pretty young and managed to live life alone & care for myself.
My partner comes from a family background where everyone pampered him pretty much.
This explains why nowadays he ain’t too independent.
Might be that I sometimes wish for a partner who’s a little more driven, striving and experienced in life, but these are just some philosophical guesses.
Still I don’t want to do him wrong, since this has already improved a lot after he moved out and he is growing each day. I honestly feel bad for even “saying“ this out loud.
It often feels like things grow even bigger after the words are not only in my mind anymore.
Like additional attention is drawn to this occupying my mind.

I really wish I could just spent some time with this guy, I’d hope that it’s all just in my head and things would resolve like it was just an illusion.
But this definitely is not possible and would worsen the whole situation for everyone. It’s also dangerous if I’d actually like spending time with him. So I guess I just have to get along with these mixed feelings. There’s not really a way out.

Oh and about the town we live in:
it has a total population of about 60000 people. So not that big. Still not a village.
But I have been running into him regularly ever since we met 3 years ago. No wonder, he doesn’t live that far away.
It’s just adding up since we see each other at least twice a week at the gym.
I mean, due to my job I know many people of about my age in this town but I can’t say I randomly meet them this often outside the gym.
Kinda triggering but of course still not a saint sign from heaven :´D

Okay, so it sounds like there are some things you maybe wish were a little different, but overall your happy with your boyfriend. That's totally normal; even in happy, healthy relationships that have lasted a long time, there will be things that aren't our favorites about a partner but are far from being dealbreakers.

As far as what to do about your crush, I think it's smart not to meet with him (if nothing else, it prevents him from having a chance to try an convince you that there are "signs" or other reasons why you should be with him). Crushes generally fade on their own, so it will probably just be a matter of riding this one out. Something that can help is to, when the crush feeling appears, acknowledge that it's there but then don't dwell on it, and either let the feeling move away or shift your focus onto something else. Does that feel like something you can try?

Thanks for the context about the town, it's very helpful. I was trying to parse out whether you're always bumping into him purely on chance, or if he might be doing things to engineer you two crossing paths.

Hey Sam, I’m sorry somehow there has been missing a part of my reply and I don’t know why.
It’s not overly important but I’ll repost it underneath just so my reply make a bit more sense

“Hey Sam,

thank you so much for your reply, I read it multiple times now and it has already put me at ease a bit.

About my relationship or rather the missing something part:
I already read and thought about this a lot. Honestly I feel like I can’t tell entirely if I’m missing something nor what I might be missing.
There just a few tiny aspects I stumbled upon while thinking about this.“

No worries, I definitely done the same thing with posts from time to time! Is there anything else we can help you with, either around this situation or something else?

Thank you.
Really don’t want to bother you any longer since I probably have no other option than riding this out, as you said before. I’m just fearing that I will feel boxed in after being in a relationship for a while for the rest of my life.
On the one hand I somehow enjoy to “settle down“ but on the other it also sometimes feels like a kind of restriction from getting to know new people and being spontaneous in every respect.
My boyfriend and I often talk about marriage and I really want to do this with him.
Nevertheless I often catch myself looking at married couples thinking if that’s really it. If they’re really happy together for the rest of their lives.
My partner is rather introverted and enjoys staying in with me way more than going out and being around a bunch of people. I’m also not a party animal myself I need my alone time as well.
Still I’m sometimes realizing that I’m neglecting my friends and my social life. I know that’s not necessarily the result of being with someone. It’s also due to my long working hours and corona lockdown.
But when being in a relationship I tend to lose touch with myself over time.

I guess for now I’m just trying to suppress this hole crush thing (still that’s honestly something that I’ve been trying for months on end now and it’s not working) and to untangle my thoughts. Maybe get some more me time in.
I mean, all of these topics wouldn’t magically disappear even if I’d be with someone new.

It sounds like you've done a lot of reflection around those feelings and fears, which is an awesome step. With your social life, what things do you think would help you be more connected to your friends? For instance, if time and energy play a role in not staying connected, you could set a little reminder on your phone to text your closer friends. That way, you're staying in more regular contact and nurturing that relationship.

When you say you tend to lose touch with yourself over time in a relationship, can you tell me a little about what that looks like?

Those feelings about being boxed in make a lot of sense, and are a part of why some people opt to be non-monogamous in one form or another. For folks who do want to be monogamous, I think a lot of us see it as a trade-off; getting to be with a person who makes us happy in exchange for not exploring other partner options. That being said, I do think it's good to, if you feel that fear about being with someone for a very long time rearing it's head, sit with that feeling and sort through it. Sometimes it's just nerves, but other times it may be cluing you into a hesitation about your relationship or a want of your own that's worth paying attention to.