Been wondering for a long time...

[girlplayer34]

So does anyone get that feeling of being so single because all of their friends are in relationships? I mean for me I've always had a hard time connecting with people some of my friends say I'm like Jesse Eisenberg well my personality type anyways. I've very though much of it to be honest with you most people dream of when they meet the right person but the truth for me was it just didn't seem real for me. Being gay and finding out I was at a young age was hard for me it wasn't something I told myself like straight kids did that one day a princess would come rescue me from a tower it just didn't seem real for me I know that might sound silly but I don't want to get into a relationship just because everyone else is because that is not a good reason. what should I do?

[Mo]

I do think that being single when all or most of one's friends are partnered can make one feel "extra" single, for sure. I agree with you that it's not a good idea to seek out or get into a relationship just because other people you know are in one, but I'm curious: how do you feel about the thought of being in a relationship right now? Is that something you're wanting at the moment? I get that dating is particularly tough right now with the realities of covid-19 and social distancing, but if that wasn't an issue, would it be something you're interested in?

[girlplayer34]

To be honest I'm scared of dating. I feel like the reason I've been single for so long because I tell myself the right girl will come along and I set these high unrealistic expectations for myself and I know I'm never gonna find that girl because she doesn't exist. It's like setting myself up for failure before I even tried, now I don't know if I wanna date because I'm scared that the women I meet will shatter the expectation I have for my dream girl. Dating is something I'm not 100% sure about I'm even 50% sure but I know that if I do I won't be able to come back from that.

[Mo]

One thing I think is very important to keep in mind, if and when you do try dating, is that anyone you date is going to be just a person, first and foremost, so they'll never be perfect. It can be easy to craft an internal narrative or dream of a partner who will be a 100% perfect match, with no potential for conflict or slightly misaligned priorities or anything that might make a relationship difficult, but while those are fun things to think about, if you ever go into relationships expecting that sort of "perfect" partner, it's going to be harder for you to enjoy the good things about that relationship when normal and common "imperfections" and conflicts come up.

[girlplayer34]

If I can ask what type of complications can come up I've never been in a relationship before so I wouldn't know. Also that is the reason I never dated that was my excuse that since my perfect girl wasn't out there I wouldn't have to date.

[Sam W]

Common complications and imperfections in relationships often have to do with incompatibility of some kind. That could be that two people's personalities just don't click, that what people want from the relationship, long term or short term, isn't compatible, that there are important values to one that the other doesn't share, and so on. Those are the kinds of complications that could lead to a relationship ending.

In terms of the the smaller, common complications Mo is referring to, those can take on all sorts of shapes as well. People can have quirks or habits that annoy you (and you can have those same things), and there can be hiccups around everything from communication to how you put the dishes away. Part of navigating romantic relationships is figuring out when those little problems are things you can deal with or talk about and when they're actual deal-breakers.

Rather than thinking that the fact there isn't a perfect partner out means you shouldn't bother dating, what if you thought of that fact as opening up more potential, awesome relationships for you? Yes, there's not a perfect partner out there waiting for you, but that means there are lots of people who are almost-perfect. People who you'll think are awesome and you'll love being around, even if their are conflicts or incompatibilities that cause the romantic relationship to end.

[girlplayer34]

I don't know to be honest I don't know the first step of dating I'm not into online dating call me a romantic but I always though I would meet someone in a coffee shop or bar or just out in the street. I know its not realistic but its just something I though would happen I know COVID kinda prevents that from happening but I don't know dating is a very grey area nothing is black and white it seems which makes it tricky

[Mo]

It may be harder to run into people spontaneously right now due to covid, but that's certainly something that might be possible once we're able to socialize in close quarters again! A lot of people find dating apps or websites to be a helpful way to find potential partners, but plenty of people still prefer or wind up meeting people through friends, school/work, community groups,
or by random chance.
Dating is definitely going to have a lot of situations that are nuanced or gray areas; it's hard to have absolutes (beyond the basic foundations of respect and kindness) in a lot of dating situations because different people have different wants and preferences in a relationship or dating partner. It can be frustrating or confusing if you prefer or are used to situations where things are more clear-cut, but good communication skills can go a long way, here; if there are times you aren't sure about what a partner might want or prefer, ideally you'll be able to ask and have a conversation about it.

[girlplayer34]

Yea I guess so, if you have any tips what can some of the first steps to open myself up to more dating possibilities I feel like I don't know what I am doing.

[Jacob]

Hey there!

The idea that comes to mind is connected to journalling and exploring "what if" scenarios by writing them down. The aim being to make a range of things feel imaginable... instead of the possiblities feeling narrow.

This may or may not appeal to you, but here's what I'm thinking: I would take a page and split it into two columns...

- In the left column: "Qualities in other people that I value"
- In the right column: "Different types of connections I'd like to have"

The point of doing that is that it's a reminder of the many outcomes of a date and helps us get out of a 'win-lose' mindset.

This means that a potential date is no longer a question of "Will this work?" it's more "Hmm, would this person be better as a friend, or a lover? Is there something else? Or maybe they aren't someone I want to see again, but who I have learnt some bad signs from?" It is less about fulfilling a specific image and more about nurturing a social and sexual life that feels like it's moving in the right direction.

[girlplayer34]

So kinda like a pros and cons list where I right down what I like and don't like. It makes sense I have always wondered if that could work My therapist also told me to journal down my feelings whenever the though came up I don't see how that helps but I am will to try it.

[Mo]

What I think can be helpful about journaling is that you will have a record of your thoughts over time and how they do or don't change. I find that sometimes it's hard to remember things I thought or felt in the past, and having a concrete record to refer back to can be useful when I'm contemplating how I feel (and have felt) about something..