Scarleteen

hi, me again. sorry. i have a stupid question.
how do i get over someone’s past? like i don’t care what she’s done sexually and that she’s been in love and all that but she’s had a lot of experiences and i’ve had none. i feel very weird and kinda uncomfortable about it because i don’t know how to like do these things and she’s done them before. does that make sense? i feel less of a person because i’ve never been in love or even simply been touched when i wanted to be. i am just scared and i feel like a little tiny human but i’m 23 years old i should have experienced this stuff but i never have.

Hi sky,

How is everything? I think the last time you were around you were leaning into therapy to talk more about relationships and such?

On your question here: At first, it can be scary if our partner has more sex or dating experiences than us, but soon enough it usually becomes clear that it doesn't actually mean they are necessarily more wise or capable when it comes to those things. Somebody can easily make a number of assumptions based on previous relationships and have to relearn everything because their connection with a new person is different.

There are insights we gain from every part of our lives and they can all be relevant to dating, and life doesn't stop just because we haven't been dating.

The other side of this is that if we are dating a suitable partner who has positively benefited from previous experiences, this should be an asset not a threat. If they've really put in the practice to learn what they can from past mistakes then this could (in theory) make them a nicer person to date... However, if someone is deliberately using their experience to make you feel intimidated however, this is a red flag!

In either case the fact that you may be new to some things is not the deciding factor. You still get to say something is not cool, or walk out of a situation if you don't like what is happening.

i’m dropped all the time for lack of experience. i’m never telling anyone again that i haven’t had sex or really kissed before. if i suck then i suck but i’m just jumping in because i can’t keep getting hurt

I can certainly understand where that feeling comes from, especially if this last person chose not to continue the relationship because of your level of experience. But I'd caution against not being truthful with future partners about your experience or lack thereof. For one, dishonesty is not a good starting place for a relationship, physical or otherwise. Too, by being honest about this, you're weeding out people who are going to be jerks about your history

As far as the struggles with therapy and medication, it can be hard to stick with treatment sometimes, and it can be hard to deal with the feelings it brings up. If you're struggling with treatment or things like taking medication consistently, that in and of itself is something to bring up with a therapist, whether that's a current one or a new on your seek out.

is it lame to just wanna make out and explore each other’s bodies with clothes on?

Nope, there's nothing silly or nonsensical about wanting that, or only being comfortable with that. What people want and enjoy from physical contact with others is super varied.

hey, i wanted to tell you guys that i deleted all the dating apps a few days ago and completely deleted the accounts. i’m done with all of that and dating in general. i’m not lesbian but i don’t like men so i’m okay with the fact i’ll be single forever and never kiss or have sex with anyone. it’s gonna kinda suck but i’ve accepted it and it is what it is