Scarleteen

So, some time ago I posted a post about how masturbation doesn't feel that good anymore. I tried everything that was sugested. I learned how to use fantasy, I don't feel that much shame anymore, dysphoria is not that big of a problem anymore (idk why, but it isn't as bad as before.)

This time I'll explain more how it feels like now. So before when I did it, there was that feeling that built up more and more until the climax where it releases and feels awesome. Now that feeling is gone. I do feel some good feeling when I masturbate, but it's like what used to be in the "background" before. It's really hard to describe. I also can't quite feel when and if I ejaculate, which I could before.

Idk what to do now. I want to feel that awesome feeling, but I have no idea how.

Hi Sky H,

It's awesome that you're been doing that work to experiment and unlearn some of that shame! But I can see how it'd be frustrating to feel like you've still lost some of that pleasure. Just to check, how is your overall mental and physical health? Are you on any medications? And have you experienced any big life changes or stressors recently?

Sam W wrote:Hi Sky H,

It's awesome that you're been doing that work to experiment and unlearn some of that shame! But I can see how it'd be frustrating to feel like you've still lost some of that pleasure. Just to check, how is your overall mental and physical health? Are you on any medications? And have you experienced any big life changes or stressors recently?

Physically I'm completely healthy, I have developed tics, idk what's causing them yet, but I don't think that they aren't related to this. I'm not on any medication. Mentally I'm pretty well, although I am pretty stressed. I moved to a new country about a year ago and I started going to school recently in a language I don't speak well. It isn't that stresfull, but it definitely is stresfull.

Hey there.

It really sound to me like what's missing that was there before is probably feeling more excited about it: that's just often the missing ingredient with the kind of difference you're talking about. What turns up the dial on how things feel like this is usually how aroused we are. If we're not very, it can feel tepid, like this. If we are very, that's when we tend to get those more intense feelings.

Stress is one of the things that can keep us from feeling more excited, too.

Heather wrote:Hey there.

It really sound to me like what's missing that was there before is probably feeling more excited about it: that's just often the missing ingredient with the kind of difference you're talking about. What turns up the dial on how things feel like this is usually how aroused we are. If we're not very, it can feel tepid, like this. If we are very, that's when we tend to get those more intense feelings.

Stress is one of the things that can keep us from feeling more excited, too.

Ok, so now that I know what it probably is, what can I do to combat it? I have no idea how to feel more excited about it and how to be less stressed.

You've got a few options.

The first one is just to set sex/masturbation to the side for right now while you're feeling so stressed and not very excited, at least for a little bit. Sometimes our lives and how we feel in them is such that it just isn't the right time for sexuality.

Alternately, you can try and both reduce and manage your stress, which I'd advise anyone do whether it's having an impact on sex or not. Stress really messes up our whole bodies and health, and we're always best to try to better manage it.

In terms of reducing it: is there anything you can take off your plate or something you can make easier for yourself?

In terms of managing it: what do you do for now? What are the things you do to relax or to burn off energy?

With the excitement, I think one thing that will help is seeing if you can't let go of trying to recapture how it felt before -- it really is normal for all this to shift, including it being not quite the bomb of excitement masturbation may have been when we were younger. That just gives you something to feel bad about, which is not generally exciting for people. Maybe instead think of this as exploring (whenever you're ready to, perhaps after a break) the new way things feel now?

Heather wrote:You've got a few options.

The first one is just to set sex/masturbation to the side for right now while you're feeling so stressed and not very excited, at least for a little bit. Sometimes our lives and how we feel in them is such that it just isn't the right time for sexuality.

Alternately, you can try and both reduce and manage your stress, which I'd advise anyone do whether it's having an impact on sex or not. Stress really messes up our whole bodies and health, and we're always best to try to better manage it.

In terms of reducing it: is there anything you can take off your plate or something you can make easier for yourself?

In terms of managing it: what do you do for now? What are the things you do to relax or to burn off energy?

With the excitement, I think one thing that will help is seeing if you can't let go of trying to recapture how it felt before -- it really is normal for all this to shift, including it being not quite the bomb of excitement masturbation may have been when we were younger. That just gives you something to feel bad about, which is not generally exciting for people. Maybe instead think of this as exploring (whenever you're ready to, perhaps after a break) the new way things feel now?

So, stress is not really too bad. I've been in more stressful situations before, but it's still there. I can't really reduce it, I'm doing the bare minimum, going to school, homework, doing some chores that I have to and occasionally studying. I don't really have a way to relax, I usually waste most of my days on tiktok after school because I'm too exhausted to do anything else. I recently started going to Judo twice a week, but I don't find that particularly relaxing, but my mum is forcing me to do it so I have no choice.

So for excitement, I don't think I can let go of it because it doesn't feel good almost at all. I know that it's normal for it to stop being such a "bomb of excitement" and there was a time when it wasn't that "bomb of excitement" but it did feel good. Now it's just feels meh and then it feels even worse than before I started.

Also I don't know can I take a brake, I tried doing that a few times and I usually only last a few days, the longest I've lasted was like a month, but I could only do that by misinterpreting my religion and believing that it's a terrible sin, which I now know is not only false, but also very unhealthy. Idk why, but I have to do it at least once a day or every two days.

So, it sounds like you need to find some ways top reduce stress. It also sounds like you might need to let go of the idea that if it feels compulsory -- like something you have to do -- it is necessarily going to feel less exciting. For pretty much everyone, one of the things that makes sex exciting is that it's elective, something we can do, but don't have to do.

In terms of the stress, how about if a couple days a week, you just start trying some new things instead of TikTok? Just dedicate two days a week to trying things to help you release stress -- those can be calming things OR things that resolve the stress cycles by getting your heart rate up for 10-20 minutes. Heck, even just a few minutes may go a long way if your activity has been minimal.

Too, maybe you can make time one day a week to go about masturbation in a less compulsory way? To do what Betty Dodson calls "erotic recess," where you just set aside an hour to play -- to explore things, you experiment, to make a space for yourself for masturbation like you might for a partner (like making your room nice, etc)? Where you try new things just to do what feels good, rater than with any kind of goal? Extra bonus: that might also be something that helps with the stress.

Heather wrote:So, it sounds like you need to find some ways top reduce stress. It also sounds like you might need to let go of the idea that if it feels compulsory -- like something you have to do -- it is necessarily going to feel less exciting. For pretty much everyone, one of the things that makes sex exciting is that it's elective, something we can do, but don't have to do.

In terms of the stress, how about if a couple days a week, you just start trying some new things instead of TikTok? Just dedicate two days a week to trying things to help you release stress -- those can be calming things OR things that resolve the stress cycles by getting your heart rate up for 10-20 minutes. Heck, even just a few minutes may go a long way if your activity has been minimal.

Too, maybe you can make time one day a week to go about masturbation in a less compulsory way? To do what Betty Dodson calls "erotic recess," where you just set aside an hour to play -- to explore things, you experiment, to make a space for yourself for masturbation like you might for a partner (like making your room nice, etc)? Where you try new things just to do what feels good, rater than with any kind of goal? Extra bonus: that might also be something that helps with the stress.

I will try all this. Thank you so much.

Hey Sky H,

Great! Let us know if it helps.