Scarleteen

Hi,

This is more of a rant but it has really been upsetting me. I started seeing this "new" guy a week ago. We had a fling a couple years ago but the timing wasn't right and we recently connected again and really hit it off. I feel so extremely comfortable with him, and the second time we hung out I actually ended up sleeping with him. This is the opposite of my character. I've had a little bit of trauma regarding sex with guys taking advantage of me and using me, but for some reason with him its different. It usually takes MONTHS for me to even think about sex with somebody. I mentioned my anorgasmia to him (something I never tell people) and instead of judging me or blaming me he made me feel so loved and told me he's experienced challenges feeling comfortable and finishing too so he gets it (everyone else has told me I'm broken and they take it personally). I'm trying to take it slow but the physical side went really fast.

Meanwhile, my mom knows I've been seeing him but nothing physical. She's been really judgmental with what I've done before (she told me I had too many bodies when I had been with two guys, but she had random occasional hookups in her twenties and isn't afraid to tell me that). Today she told me I should take things EXTREMELY slow and should only be with him sexually if I love him. First of all, that makes me feel like trash since I have already slept with him and was really happy about it, and also I have finally started having a healthier mindset regarding sex, and she just keeps making me feel bad for doing anything. I've been slut shamed by peers before (right after my FIRST (and only for awhile) time) and it messed me up. She knows that.

I know she's like this because I have rushed into things with other guys and they used me and walked away and she is only looking out for me but sometimes it just really hurts knowing that in her eyes I'm a fuck up if I sleep with somebody "too early". I feel like I finally have control over my body and I'm doing things because I want to- not because there's "love" or I waited long enough. I like him, I wanted to do something intimate with him and I did.

I've just been so upset all day. I just said okay and she said "don't worry you'll thank me later". There isn't even anything I can do about it, but now since I have severe anxiety she planted a seed in my head that it'll all come crashing down and everything will be my fault. He plans bonfires and pj nights for us, and maybe I'm just blinded but I personally don't think that is something a random hookup would do. He thinks his roommate's girlfriend and I will be great friends and can't wait until we meet. He thinks I'm smart, beautiful, cute, and sexy (nobody has ever called me sexy) and is genuinely interested in listening to me. We cook each other dinner- we spend the night with each other with no plans to hook up or anything and then sometimes we get lost in the moment and do. Idk- it doesn't seem like a bad thing to me. He doesn't seem like a bad person, he seems like a pretty good one.

I just had to rant. I feel so sick to my stomach about the whole thing and I can't tell her because she would shame me more but it's just been weighing on me a lot.

Hi wanderlust,

I'm sorry that this has introduced shame into what was otherwise a really positive experience for you. While you're mom, in her mind, may be trying to help, you're ultimately they boss and expert of your own sexual experiences, and that means you get to decide when you feel ready to be sexual with another person.

I wonder, would it help to keep in mind that even if things do end with this guy, that doesn't mean you having sex with him was a mistake? Even if sex happens in a short-term or casual scenario (or a long term one that ends), it can still be a positive, enjoyable experience, rather than something we should be ashamed of. Too, if the shame has you doubting your judgement, it might also help to think about what things lead you to have sex with him: is it just that you're very attracted to each other and you feel comfortable around him? Something else?

This is slightly off-topic, but I do need to check: are you and he communicating about COVID-19 risks and taking precautions around them?

Hi - just to put your mind at ease COVID wise- I am slightly compromised and asked him LOTS of questions about what he has been doing. We are both in college and all of his classes are online, as are his roommates so I felt safe seeing him. I do not put myself in any situation that could be risky. I am a pre med student so I take it very seriously unfortunately many on my campus do not and it bothers me a lot.

I've really been trying to make sure to tell myself it is not a mistake. I don't feel like it is- usually I am overfilled with guilt and this time I don't have it which is pretty damn empowering if you ask me!

I think the fact that you aren't feeling a lot of guilt right now is something to pay attention to! It sounds like you're being thoughtful about this relationship, he's being very kind and considerate, and you've already had some pretty personal sexual communication that went well; there certainly aren't any red flags I'm seeing in what you've said here. Of course I can't know how your relationship will progress, but no one can know that sort of thing; I think the most important thing is to think about what you can do to have a good relationship now instead of worrying about what might go wrong in the future.
I'm a pretty anxious person and I know it can be difficult to let go of worries about the future; I know it isn't as easy as just saying "okay, I won't worry about that anymore!" Still, though, when you are having these worries I think it's good to refocus your thoughts to how things are going in the present moment.

Do you feel like you could ask your mom to let you make your own decisions about when you'll have sex without any further input from her? Is that something you think she might listen to and take seriously, if you bring it up? I'm sorry her comments have been so upsetting; I can certainly understand why they've hit you so hard, especially considering other comments people have made about your sexual choices.