Having trouble orgasming

[lovelylavender]

I have been having a hard time orgasming and even just continuing to pleasure myself when masturbating. When masturbating I don't use penetration and I just grind instead but when doing that at some point not long after starting the pleasure goes away. I wait a little and try again and it feels good for a little again but then goes away. I feel like it isn't satisfying enough for me. Can I have some advice on what to do?

[Sam W]

Hi lovelylavender,

That sounds frustrating! Is this something that's only started recently, or has it been going on for some time? Too, when you masturbate, is your mind really engaged in what's going on, or is your body trying to masturbate while your mind isn't super turned-on and engaged?

[lovelylavender]

It has always been like that sadly. Sometimes I am not super turned-on and engaged but I have tried when being very turned-on and into it and it was still the same for me.

[Siân]

Hey lovelylavender,

Can you think of any times where you were like "yep, that was definitely an orgasm?"

I'm asking because whilst for some people orgasm comes easily, some of us have to learn - and it can be a little underwhelming at first. At it's most basic, orgasm is just a release of sexual tension after which you might go from really enjoying grinding to just feeling kinda "done" with no big rush in between.

The good news is that if that's not quite cutting it for you it's possible to learn how to tune in and make that feeling more intense! It takes some practice but it should all be pretty fun practice. This article provides a starting point: How To Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women. I would build on that though with a couple of suggestions:

1. Slow down: Try to build up the pleasure slowly rather than all at once, including as many different parts of your body as feel good. Can you build up a little then deliberately bring yourself down a bit and repeat?
2. Tune in: Pay gentle attention to all the feelings in your body. Do you feel your muscles clench or spasm as you're building up? Do you start to feel hot or start holding your breath or something else?
3. Recognise the feeling of "almost done": The first two steps should help you start to recognise that tipping point between "this feels good" and "I'm done now".
4. Build on it!: Once you know what that tipping point feels like for you, you can keep cycling through the steps above to create a bit of a feedback loop to build the intensity of the feeling. For example, if you know that your muscles clench and you hold your breath as you're nearly done you can spot that, decrease the stimulation for a bit and deliberately breathe and relax your muscles and feel in.

This takes time! Not like hours, like multiple sessions over weeks or months. Staying in the curious mindset of "what does this feel like" rather than having a particular goal or pressure to feel a particular way is key.