Pansexual/heteroflexible/queer?

[Hel]

Two questions:

First, is there a word that describes me? So I’m a mostly heteronormative person. I’m part gender fluid but mainly I identify as a girl, so that’s usually what I tell people. I’m also mostly straight, because I’ve only ever had boyfriends/liked guys, but I have acknowledged I like certain things about the female body and I’m kind of attracted to that... but I wouldn’t necessarily have a relationship with a girl. Maybe I would with a non-binary person though, or someone intersex. But that would be a very extreme case - they’d have to really be something, you know?

Secondly, I have a boyfriend who I am really in love with, and he really loves me back. We’ve been together almost a month now, and I think he’s very accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. Is it best to tell him about my doubts about my sexuality? I mean, I really, really like him, and I don’t want anything to change between us, and I certainly want to be in a relationship with him for as long as possible. I don’t think it’s necessary to tell him, seeing as I’m dating him and I am not attracted to anyone else at the moment. But I don’t know.

Please advise.

[Heather]

I feel like asking shorthand to be longhand is always going to leave us wanting. In other words, single-word terms of orientation, gender identity or other complex parts of our identity are rarely going to sum us up every well, and that's okay, because they're not meant to. They're just supposed to be simple shorthand until we can have larger, more nuanced conversations and until people can get to know us, something no one ever can with just a word.

What are you hoping to get from this one word? What do you want it for?

I can't speak for what you do or don't want to share in this, or any, intimate relationship: that's just something really unique and personal, and very much about a given relationship and what we want from it. But if it feels like you're not telling someone something you think you should be, or feel like you're withholding information that other person would want to know, I think it's generally a good idea to stop and think about why you're not sharing whatever that thing is. Do you want to talk about that?