Exploring sexuality within a relationship

[Arazalea]

I am in a long term committed relationship and I deeply love him. Recently, I have talked to him about my recent realization of being bisexual, and wanting to explore that I am attracted to women. I deeply want to explore kissing, going on a date, and the sexual side of my attraction towards women. He has been very understanding about it and open to me exploring my sexuality in these ways, but I am afraid I will end up hurting him. I do not want to leave him nor do I want to hurt someone else by doing the things listed above. I am extremely conflicted/guilty about wanting to explore my sexuality and wanting to not hurt him or anyone else. Is there to explore my sexuality in a healthy way that I desire? Or should I give up on exploring these things?

[Sam W]

Hi Arazalea,

If it helps to know, there's nothing inherently wrong with being curious about being with other partners or wanting to explore your sexuality. The tricky bit, as you're discovering, is when that desire to explore comes into conflict with current relationships. I think you're right to be cautious about the ways in which experimenting with other partners may hurt him or them. Opening a relationship takes discussion and planning, and lots of queer women have had some not-so-great experiences being the person someone experiments with (not that you'd do that, simply that this is something that happens).

It may also help to parse out for yourself what you mean or want when you think about exploring your sexuality. Is it only to have sex with women? Or do things like trying out different types of fantasies during masturbation or consuming sexual media about sex between women also appeal to you? When you think about going on dates with women, are there things you assume will be different from dating men?

[Arazalea]

I am afraid of hurting a queer woman and I don't want them to think I just was using them. I do not want to do that. I would want to be very open with them and respect them as a person. My partner and I are having a continual conversation about opening the relationship. I have consumed sexual media as a way to explore and I have found the act of sex itself is not what I am most interested in. I find myself seeking out media that shows kissing, hand holding, cuddling, and a relationship. I also find my fantasies to be more about those aspects listed above. It makes my desire for those acts stronger. This isn't to say I am not interested in having sex with a woman, but it isn't something I am jumping into. To clarify I have only been in this relationship and never dated before him. I cannot say there would be a difference due to my lack of overall dating experience. Which is also a source of confusion on my part.

[Sam W]

All that detail is really helpful, thank you! And there are definitely ways to have open or casual relationships that minimize the chances of being hurt.

When you've talked with your boyfriend about opening the relationship, how have those conversations gone? Are you two picturing the same thing?

[Arazalea]

Of course, and thank you for taking the time to reply.
They have gone okay. He is more open to it and secure about it than I am. Although we both share the insecurity of this hurting our relationship. I feel incredibly guilty when we discuss the possibility of allowing me to be with someone else. Him as a person is very monogamous and he has no desire to be with anyone but me. We have be together for 6 years, and the guilt stems from my fear he won’t think he’s enough for me and that I am selfish for wanting this.
We are picturing a similar open relationship but the biggest differences are I want more freedom to explore as an individual very soon, and he wants to take things very slow and be there with me in the aspect of being nearby (He wants me to be safe) but not actively be apart of anything. I am very open in compromising with taking things slow and talking things through but I don’t want him to feel like he has to be around if we pursue this. I want him to know I am safe and I don’t want me as an individual to feel chaperoned. This is not stemming from him thinking queer women are dangerous but Instead his overall cautiousness of me meeting people we do not know. Overall, we are still communicating and working through how we both feel in a healthy way.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you two are taking time to communicate about this, and I think it's sound to work out what your boundaries would be around him wanting to be nearby. Too, something to keep in mind is that, given the pandemic, if you did decide to pursue an open relationship it would not be for some time, so you have more time to think and talk about this.

Something else that may help to think about is why this desire is feeling stronger lately. Is it that you've only recently come to understand this element of your sexuality? That you're afraid of something that will (or won't) happen if you don't take a chance to explore? Something else? There's no right answers to those questions, but digging into them some may also help you work out how you want to navigate all this.

[Arazalea]

Of course, the pandemic is an important factor that we have not overlooked and what you are saying is true.
These questions will be very helpful in understanding how we will continue to navigate our conversation. Thank you for taking the time to help me move forward in something that is new to me.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad talking about things here was helpful!