Sex and trauma

[jinxedkiss]

Hi, I’m really sorry, I feel like this question is... odd. Please bear with me.
I met my boyfriend through a vaguely sexual situation, and thats how we kinda knew each other for a while- “that person that I discussed kinks with”- and a couple months later we bonded over other, more SFW topics. We started dating about half a year after that, and I think he kind of picked up on my reluctance to talk about sex again because I had recently gone through a repeat of severe trauma.
We’ve never properly discussed it, but I have been starting to think that maybe I’m ready to at least make an attempt with him? Maybe not all the way, but I feel like I’m ready to reintroduce myself to that kind of thing, and I’m unsure how to bring it up. My boyfriend is a lovely lovely person who has been very understanding with me, so I’m not uncomfortable per say, I just don’t know how to talk about it. I feel like if I bring it up he’ll worry that I’m just saying that for his sake because of the way my trauma has affected me.
This was a very long winded way of asking how to bring up sex, or at least more sexual activities, to someone after experiencing severe sexual trauma? I don’t really know if I am ready to reintroduce myself to it, but I want to try, and I feel safe enough with him that I know he will listen to me if it’s too much.

[Sam W]

Hi jinxedkiss,

It's not an odd question at all! Navigating sex, or even intimacy in general, after trauma can certainly be complicated. As far as talking about it with your boyfriend goes, I actually think phrasing it similarly to how you've phrased it to us could work well. So, saying that you're not completely sure if you're ready to reintroduce yourself to sexual activities, but that you want to try and you feel safe doing so with him. Something that can also help is to remember that you don't have to communicate everything perfectly on the first try; you can introduce the basic thing you're asking for, and then the two of you can talk. That gives him a chance to ask questions or express concerns, and gives you two a chance to work out together what you'd like to try and what precautions you can put in place in case it proves to be too much, too soon. How does that sound?

In case you haven't seen it, we recently put out this advice column that might help you out: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... do_i_begin. It covers resources for survivors looking to dip their toe back into being sexual, and talks about how to deal with things like accidental trauma cues that can happen during sex.