Can't relax enough to be penetrated.

[cgirl123]

I'm a CisF who has only been penetrated by my doctor during my pap smear, which was terrible. I have never even used a tampon. This never bothered me until recently when I started my first sexual relationship. We currently are having a great time just doing oral on each other (He has had a lot more experience) and though he is being very patient with me I want to move forward in our sexual relationship. When he tries to just finger me, I freak out and ask him to stop. We do lots of foreplay and use lube, he even has tried to massage me for a long time just to get me to relax, but none of it matters when he puts his finger in. I know this is all in my head. I just can't relax down there. Its hard for me to relax my body because when I get stressed (which is a lot) it tends to manifest itself physically. I've also never been sexually abused in any way. How can I relax and enjoy being penetrated?

[Sam W]

Hi cgirl,

The first thing to do is to check in with how comfortable you feel with what's going on. Do you feel ready for penetration? Are you nervous about performing (for lack of a better word)? Or, are you maybe not in a comfortable space location wise (e.g in house where parents/roommates might walk in on you)?

Beyond that, are you overall pretty stressed from other stuff in your life?

It may also help you to read this article:
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

[cgirl123]

I'm pretty stressed about college and and general life stuff. I don't know what it means to be "ready" for penetration. I feel like as a 21 year old women this shouldn't be an issue. I just want to have a normal sex life with my boyfriend.

[Mo]

By ready, I think what Sam means is: is that a sensation your body is excited about? Are you wanting to have intercourse because you desire that penetrative/insertive feeling, and not just because you feel like you should be ready for it or that's the way to have a normal sex life? It sounds like it's just not pleasurable at all for you right now.

I do suggest, as well, that you not worry too much about "normal" in terms of evaluating how great your personal sex life is. Sexuality is so varied that even at times when we can find "normal" or average data on what people like or do, there are still many many outliers who enjoy completely different things. And that's ok! And honestly, if we're talking averages, it's more likely for cis women to like other kinds of sex more than intercourse.

In addition to the link Sam posted, which I think is a good place to start, this one might be helpful as well: Yield for Pleasure

If any sort of insertion is painful for you right now, I think it's a good idea to take a break from it so you aren't having painful experiences every time you and your partner are having sex, or to approach it in a way that's a little less loaded - if you hit on a time when it feels good, great! And if not, you can have other kinds of sex that you enjoy. In addition to using plenty of lubricant you may find that it's more comfortable for you or your partner to insert a finger if you get some latex or nitrile gloves from a drugstore; they'll smooth out any rough spots on hands or fingernails, and are very smooth when used with lube.
But if you're feeling really tense or stressed from this or any kind of sexual activity, generally the best thing to do, in the moment, is stop that activity when it starts to hurt vs. trying to push through it, even if that's frustrating.