jealousy over partner's xs

[pianolover]

I've been dating this person for a month now, and we've been talking since July (we know each other from college). I've learned that they have had three sexual encounters with each of their x's (we've never had sex), and it makes me jealous/anxious when I think about it. I've also have had my own experiences, but whenever I think of him sexually, my mind moves to the other girls he has been with. It makes me feel small, not important other uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings get intense, and I want to break up with him, so I don't have to deal with the complicated feelings anymore. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Lostand_found,

To make sure I'm understanding right, they had sex with their exes when they were still dating them and not while you two have been dating, right?

When you have those feelings of jealousy or anxiety, what are the thoughts that accompany them? For instance, do you feel jealous because it feels like they got their "first?" Does the anxiety come from worrying you may not be able to compare to them if you two are sexual together? Something else?

[pianolover]

Right, they had sex with them while they were still with them.

I think I feel anxious that I won't be able to compare to them or that they got to be close to him that way.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, one thing that can help is to remind yourself that there's no single, specific way to be good at sex. You don't have to go into the interaction trying to prove that you can be just as good or better at sex than his exes, because (ideally) he's excited to have sex with you and is excited to learn what that's like. Having positive sexual experiences with another person depends on things like communication and where likes and dislikes do or do not overlap. It's a discovery process that we re-start each time we're with a new partner, not a set of benchmarks we have to meet. Does that make sense?

[pianolover]

Yeah, thank you. That makes sense.