I am Trans and Relationships are difficult.

[l3af400]

I am a Transgender (pre-medical transition), Bisexual man, and I turn 16 very very soon. Relationships have always been very difficult for me because I am transgender, but also because I am neurodivergent. I have always had a very strange and distant relationship with sex, although I have been in relationships with sexual aspects before (safely and responsibly, of course). Masturbation has never really felt pleasurable to me and I'm not exactly sure why. Even if I feel aroused, it does not do anything for me and I have never finished. For a while I thought it was because I was on antidepressants and other medication and that would interfere with it, but I've switched medications multiple times (for several reasons) and I still get the same results when it comes to pleasure. When I was on Zoloft I did not get aroused hardly ever, and I don't think a masturbated a single time while I was on it (which was for nearly a year). I've considered buying a vibrator or maybe talking my doctor because I cannot figure out what the problem is.

Besides that, I usually date long distance (because of dating difficulties) so I have never had to deal with this during in-person sexual acts. I am a virgin and I am scared to lose my virginity. What if my complications with pleasure complicate things in my sexual relationship?

I've also heard that your mental health can significantly impact your sexual health, but I still don't understand because even at times when my mental health was stable I still never finished or even felt aroused. I've tried tea, I've tried as many different kinds of masturbation as I possibly could, but nothing has worked.

I've also realized that my ideas or expectations for sexual relationships change depending on who I imagine them with. If I imagine myself with someone feminine or with a woman, I do not see her doing anything for me, but I would do things for her or them. For some reason I do not like the idea of a woman or feminine person sexually acting on my body. However, I am fine with the idea of this because it is difficult for me to finish or even feel aroused anyways, so a relationship where I give and do not receive is alright with me. However, if I imagine myself with a man or with a masculine person, I would do things for him/them and also have things done for/to me. I think this might be because I feel like men are more likely to see me as a girl, and women are more likely to see me as a man. I don't know why I'm okay with this with one gender but not the other. Do you think there is a reason for that, or is it common among trans people? Or is it simply just my personal preference/experience?

I was also wondering if maybe it is more difficult for me to feel aroused because I am neurodivergent. Maybe I view sex or arousal or pleasure differently than everyone else? Or maybe I experience it differently? I'm not sure.

I'm sorry I kind of infodumped in this post, but I have so many questions. I am going to read the article "How do you masturbate?" after I post this and see if it helps in any way. Pleas get back to me on any of the things I covered in this, it's completely okay if I don't get answers for all! Thank you for your time

[Heather]

Hey there, and welcome to the boards.

You know, the great thing about sex and relationships is that they aren't like going shopping for sweaters, where there are just a handful of sizes and cuts. Instead, it's always like knitting your own sweater, from your own pattern. How sex and relationships go for you will be all about what you want and need and what's wanted and needed by who you engage with in either or both.

Similarly, I promise there's no viewing these things "differently than everyone else" because there is no one way -- or even a few ways -- everyone BUT you view them. We are a world made of billions of people, all with billions of ways of looking at these things very uniquely. Sure, there are some common threads, particularly since there are some things that are cultural or community norms or patterns, but even how we understand and assimilate (or don't) those is all over the map.

So, the first thing I want to let you know you can let go of is worry that none of this can be for you because you're different in some ways than you feel like other people are. That's probably true! But that's true for a whole lot of people in a whole lot of ways. It's just a matter of finding other people who are either different in the same or similar ways, or where the ways we are are a good fit with them even when they aren't the same or similar.

There's a lot to unpack here about how things might go for you sexually with other people, but we also might not be able to do that now because it's all so abstract at this point, you know? That said, I do hear you voicing some interest in what's long been called "stone" in the queer (originally dyke) community -- wanting to be sexual with other people by focusing on their physical pleasure, and getting your own that way. There's nothing wrong with that if it turns out that's what feels right for you now or period. There also may or may not be a why for that just like there aren't always why's for our orientations or gender identities, you know? If that is something you turn out to like, and there is a why, it'll likely be something you'll figure out over time. But you don't have to: we don't need to know why we like or don't like any given thing sexually, or need to justify our likes and dislikes.

Again, because it sounds like so little of your experience has been in person to really know how you might react with other people, so I'm wary of talking about that like we do know, how do you think we can best help you out right now? It sounds like you're having trouble just accepting the various ways that you are so far: what do you feel like you might need to start to get there?

[l3af400]

Thank you so much for your feedback, it was very helpful and I feel much better about what was confusing me. I think I should start with why I do not feel aroused even sometimes when I think I should be. Or that masturbation does not bring me pleasure. I have read through "how do you masturbate" and unfortunately it was not helpful for me. My number one suspicion is that not being able to finish or feel aroused is a side affect of my medication, but maybe there's a different reason.

[Heather]

You got it!

Let's see if we can't take a few steps back first. Is pleasure in general -- not necessarily sexual pleasure, but pleasure on the whole -- an issue for you? Are you able to experience other kinds of pleasure: emotional, physical, sensorial? Like with food or movement or music or social interactions or games? Do you feel excited about any other kind of pleasure?

[l3af400]

I don't think so. I don't think I feel emotional pleasure very often, but I usually feel content. As for physical pleasure I really do not enjoy being touched in most settings, so in that regard, no, I do not usually feel physical pleasure from affection from others. However, I have a weighted blanket I like a lot, and it makes me very feel very comfortable and safe. I think that is physical pleasure, so I would say yes, I feel physical pleasure, just not usually from other people.

[Alexa]

Hey l3af400, hope you don't mind me jumping in!

Cool. So it sounds like you don't particularly derive pleasures from others, is that right? A way of rephrasing that is that you have the autonomous ability to provide your own pleasure -- which is great. Like, you can find enjoyment on your own independent of others.

You mention being on antidepressants for some time, so I'm wondering what your mental health care team looks like. Are you in talk therapy on a regular basis? I feel like a therapist could help you explore this spectrum of pleasure that you've experienced and talk about whether/how it provides a lens into your sexuality. Starting broader -- what brings you joy? -- and then narrowing in on sexual pleasure, as Heather did above, might help you eke out any disconnect you're experiencing.