Scarleteen

Hey. So a couple of weeks ago I was feeling kind of horny while in a long distance relationship. I asked my boyfriend if I could rid myself of those sorts of feelings if they build up. I had tried masturbating and it didn't help. I even told him that. He said that I crossed a line by talking about this stuff with him. I thought that I was doing the right thing by going to him instead of just going ahead and having sex with someone else. He also said that I am going back to my old ways but I really am not. I was just asking him a question that he could've just said "no" to and I would've respected that. I wouldn't have done anything that he wouldn't have been comfortable with me doing. I told him that and he broke up with me. He and I are just going to remain friends. But I still have romantic feelings for him. Someone please help me and tell me what I should do. I want him back but I know that that's not going to happen. I love and care about him so much and I don't have any clue as to what to do. Please give me advice. I would really appreciate it if you would help me out.

Hi solareclipse94,

Break-ups are rough at the best of times, but I feel like the ones during the pandemic have been extra tough and I'm sorry you're in the midst of one. You did do the right thing by talking with him rather than having sex with someone else behind his back. Unfortunately, life is full of times when doing the right thing doesn't lead to us getting what we hoped for.

While plenty of people remain friends after breaking up, that often tends to go best when it doesn't happen right after the break up does and one of the people involved isn't still harboring romantic feelings for the other person. So, the kindest thing you might be able to do for yourself right now is take some space from any kind of relationship with him. Since you two are long distance, that would mean things like not contacting him for awhile or unfollowing him on social media so you're not being constantly reminded of him. Do those feel like steps you can take?

In terms of more general advice, if you haven't already seen this piece, it has a lot of things you can do to get through a break-up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

Hey Sam,
I haven't contacted him for like about almost two weeks now. And I'm doing better. But I haven't tole my family that he and I broke up because I don't know what to tell them. And I am being reminded of him less and less as time goes on. The first week or so after the break up I was a mess.

Is telling your family something you'd like to do in order to get support? If so, we can brainstorm some ways to do that that don't require you sharing more than you're comfortable with. Too, do you have any friends who you've been able to talk to about the break-up?

I would like to tell my family. But I'm scared about how they'll react. I have talked to some friends about it and they are very supportive when it comes down to my feelings.

I'm glad to hear your friends have been supportive! In regards to your family, I think it's okay to leave most details out when you tell them. I'm not sure if they're the type to grill you and ask you a lot of follow-up questions, but I suggest simply telling them you wanted different things and he decided it was best to go your separate ways / that led to his decision to end the relationship. If you think that's too vague and will lead them to ask what different things you wanted, and you don't feel like giving away information about your personal sex life, you could simply tell them the long distance got the best of you. This is really common, so it shouldn't warrant any further digging. How does this sound?

Sofi wrote: you could simply tell them the long distance got the best of you.

I've been debating on that because my mother during the fall would ask me if he and I were still together.

That makes sense to tell them because it is basically true, you're just not giving out personal details about it. I think they will be supportive and understanding.<3

Thanks, Sofi. I really appreciate the help.