Scarleteen

It’s basically like I’ve said. I think i just have a large hood and a small clit, but i can’t find it to touch that when I try to masturbate, and penetration with my fingers hurts so that won’t work. I read some of the articles here and tried again with the methods in them but I can’t seem to find anything on myself based on the diagrams, even with a mirror. I’ve tried more than once and I’ve been aroused when i start but the second I touch myself that feeling seems to go away. What is going on? Oh, I’m an 18 y/o by the way, I think I saw other people posting their ages.

Hi Guacamole, and welcome to Scarleteen.
When you're masturbating, are there any kinds of touch that do feel good, or is it feeling like nothing at all is feeling pleasurable?
In terms of finding your clitoris, you may have tried this when using a mirror but if you haven't, trying to gently pull back your clitoral hood may help you see the clitoris. You may also have more luck seeing and feeling your clitoris when you're aroused, so that could be a good time to try the mirror again.
Some people do find that direct clitoral stimulation is more intense than they enjoy, either some or all of the time, so if you're feeling a strong or oversensitive feeling when touching your clitoris or clitoral hood, backing off a little bit, or experimenting with using lubricant (or more lubricant, if you're already using a little) might help.

Hi there, it does sound like you have a clitoris on the smaller side, which is normal, but you should still be able to feel it when you're aroused. It's usually a pretty distinct feeling when you come in direct contact with it. It might help to make sure you're feeling for it right between the top of the outer labia, under the hood (the hood is what connects the inner labia), and definitely try it with a mirror again. You can also ask your gynecologist next time you're in for an annual checkup or pap smear, there's nothing wrong with asking a doctor to help you find it!
Here's a super related advice column that might be useful: I can't orgasm or find the right places on my anatomy
Did any of that advice help?

I did try using a mirror, but I wasn’t aroused, so I will try again another time. When it comes to masturbating, what i feel is at most a tickling sensation, there’s nothing really pleasurable about it. I also don’t have a gynecologist. The only time i mentioned seeing one my mom said I don’t need to see one yet, so I’ve never been to one.

Hi Guacamole,

On the topic of arousal, are you usually pretty turned on when you masturbate? Or is your body trying to masturbate while your brain is having trouble staying in the moment?

You're actually at an age where it's recommended you have a gynecologist, even if you don't need a pap test or a pelvic exam yet: https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs ... ogic-visit. So you may want to talk with your mom about that again, or look into getting connected to one on your own. If you want help figuring out how to do either of those things, we're happy to brainstorm with you.

Most of the time I start out pretty turned on but it pretty much goes away once I start trying to masturbate. I’ll try and see about going to a gynecologist but i think that would be hard right now anyway, with the whole covid thing.

Got it. I definitely recommend sort of "getting out of your head" if possible, because once it goes away and you are no longer turned on, it might be more difficult and knowing this usually happens makes it more likely to happen, so it can turn into a cycle. Sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy by now, even though it started because you did stop being aroused when you tried. Are you using any visual or auditory stimulation, such as porn of any type? This could help you get your mind distracted and relax more.

I tried porn once, but it was more distracting than just trying to do it on my own. It somehow seemed cheesy and I ended up laughing at it lol. Idk what else I’d use of if it would be the same problem.

In my experience, when I have trouble getting out of my head, it's been helpful to have on some background music or something -- something that's minorly distracting, but that I don't have to pay much attention to (like porn). I have ADHD, so having some minor stimulation for my brain helps me enjoy masturbation without my thoughts spiraling or me concentrating so hard that I interrupt my own pleasure. Is this something you'd be interested in trying?

I also second that you are at the right age to establish gynecological care, regardless of whether you're having sex! So we can help you navigate that if that would be helpful.

That’s a good idea. Maybe it’s better to just listen rather than watch. I have adhd too, and I didn’t even think about that affecting this lol.

It might be worth a try! Keep in mind, too, that some people just aren't that into porn, or have particular tastes, or enjoy reading sexual stories much more than they enjoy watching porn. So if you're interested in sexual media of some kind, you might find with time and experimentation that you have some specific preferences, or that you prefer not to use it at all.

I posted this like, a couple years ago, but i haven’t really made any progress. I’ve tried porn, but i really don’t like that, and i tried like erotic stories and audiobooks but i just couldn’t get into them. I do have a gynecologist now, but we’ve never had any kind of physical exam or anything. I also feel like i haven’t ever been turned on enough to do it in the first place, and i don’t know how to get to that point. Is this normal for a 19 year old?
Ps: i did manage to find my clitoris, but i don’t feel anything particularly special when i touch it.

Hi Guacamole, nice to see you again!

Well done for exploring more sexual media and your body, and for linking up with a sexual healthcare provider. In terms of getting to a point where you feel turned on, you might find the advice in this article a helpful starting point: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

Too, it's not that unusual for folks to have periods where they feel like their sexual desire is more or less active, and that can often be tied to things that aren't really related to sex. How has your life been overall the last little while? Have there been a lot of stressful things or any big life changes?

I wouldn’t really call it a change, I feel like I’ve never been able to, so i don’t think it could be stress related. It’s always been a little painful, bearable, but not pleasurable, when I’ve tried, but the last 2 times, I’ve also noticed that tiny bits of skin have come off. Could the problem be my hymen? It’s also uncomfortable for me to insert a tampon, and when I tried to use a diva cup it was extremely painful to insert and remove.

Hi Guacamole,
I’m sorry it’s been so uncomfortable! Have you tried using lube during penetration? Were you able to talk to your gynecologist about the discomfort you feel inserting a tampon and diva cup? I also want to check in - do you feel like sexual pleasure is something you actively want to pursue or do you feel pressure to feel sexual pleasure from masturbation? I know you had asked if this is normal for a 19 year old, and to be honest, there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sexuality and pleasure! We can talk more about this concept if you'd like, let me know!

It’s something that I want, and haven’t been able to achieve so I was asking if it was normal not to be able to achieve this. Especially the little bits of skin I wanted to know if that was normal and healthy. As for lube I don’t have anything water based to use so I haven’t tried that, and I haven’t talked to my gynecologist about that yet.

Hi Guacamole, one of the reasons it can be useful to think about pressure (whether it's society's, or our own to achieve something), is that the brain is our most important sex organ, and feeling stressed or frustrated about masturbation and reaching pleasure/orgasm can be counter to our goals as it then is distracting the brain from pleasure. You can read more about this here: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body, and might also find this summary of the dual control model of the sexual response system useful, which explains why something that inhibits sexual response, like stress, cannot be counteracted by adding more "turn ons" just like how pressing down the gas pedal on a car won't make it go if the handbrake is still one. Let us know what you think when you've looked at those.

Trying lube on a tampon and discussing the pain with insertion and the skin that came out with them would be a good idea (was it very thin, like a membrane?)

dont worry you're not alone, i do feel the same way as you and it's my biggest problem as a teenager for now. im still 15 years old and ive been struggling on finding my own clitoris even tho i have used the mirror a lot of times already. just like your experience, i do feel turned on but when i try to masturbate by massaging my clit, the horniness will suddenly go away and if i try to penetrate myself, it hurts so much. this has been a big struggle for me but i have my own way of masturbating which is syntribation, i have been doing it for almost 5 years and never tried on masturbating using my clit which maybe explains why i cant find or see my clitoris due to lack of sensation. as of now, im really consistent on masturbating by massaging my clit even tho i have not yet seen it but i do sometimes feel a tingly feeling which makes me continue on doing it. i really hope there's a remedy for this since i cant enjoy my sexual life without the help of my clitoris.

i still dont have a gynecologist since im still a minor and im afraid to tell my mum about it but i do open up this problem to my girlfriend in which made me feel alot more better. please help me. (sorry for my bad grammar, english is not my first language)

Hi there kiune, and thank you for your question. So the thing with syntribation is that it is indirect stimulation of your clitoris (in other words, squeezing your thighs together is applying pressure on the area around your clitoris/glans and therefore onto them as well and stimulating them), so you are actually feeling pleasure via stimulation of the clitoris already, just not by touching it directly.

Some people find that the direct contact with the clitoris too stimulating or not as pleasurable as indirect stimulation. Other forms of indirect stimulation with or without a partner include "grinding" (with a partner partially clothed or not), or an object like a pillow (some people also put a vibrator under the pillow), or stimulation of the area with hands but through underwear and/or applying pressure more generally on the area or on the area around the vulva, instead of right on the clitoris.

Similarly, many people with a clitoris, vulva and vagina find that penetration is not as pleasurable, so it is okay if penetration isn't your thing. Also, the pain can be connected to being tense, which if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to enjoy it/work out how to feel pleasure from it/hurry the process, is more likely to happen. Since it sounds like you are worried about not being able to have fulfilling sex life without being able to masturbate in a specific way (direct clitoral stimulation), this could be playing a part here.

It is important to keep in mind is that our most important sex organ is in fact our brain, and if we're feeling stressed or putting pressure on ourselves to work out what works for us ASAP, it actually can act counterintuitively finding that pleasure, as our brain is preoccupied with feeling stressed. Whilst it might be a bit hard right now, it is best try and be patient with yourself.

Taking the pressure off yourself might look like taking some time off trying to masturbate in this way (or at all), for a few days or however long you need, and doing things you enjoy and find recharge and relax you, and/or continuing to masturbate in ways that you enjoy, and explore how you can integrate this kind of indirect stimulation into sexual activity with your partner, if you're exploring having sex together.

How does this all sound to you? We're here to chat any of them through and to answer any further questions or curiosities you might have.

Hi there...
I just turned 21, I've had multiple sexual intercourse, yet this exact same problem has been haunting me forever. I never had an orgasm. Penetration isn't painful (anymore), it can feel good even though it hurts when going too far. I've had cunnilingus performed on me, and felt nothing. This area is just numb and I feel more tingles by him kissing my thigh than him licking my "clit". It's been making me so sad and I feel cursed compared to my friends who all are able to feel orgasms and just normal pleasure.

I also realised that what felt the closest to an "orgasm" was me waking up in the middle of the night, often with a full bladder, ans feeling a good sensation in that area, that can lass longer if i apply pressure on it. But I have absolutely no control over when that happens, and it's not like I'm having an erotic dream or something.

Anyway, most of the time I juste wish I was normal. Life is so depressing when you can't even get what you desire the most.

I've seen professionals, and they all say that there is nothing physically wrong with me, despite my clit being obviously small and hidden. It also used to be painful in the shower, and it is just painful in general when i try to move the hood.

Hi daisydaisyyyy,

It sounds like this situation is really frustrating you, so let's see if we can find some ways to dial that back.

The first thing that's important to note here is that there's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to pleasure and sex; human sexual experiences and bodies are just too varied for that. The most we can talk about is whether a thing is common, but that's also tricky because people tend to only talk about the parts of the sex lives that match what they think "should" be happening. For instance, I'm willing to be some of your friends have also had times where they didn't experience pleasure or orgasm, but they're not talking about it because of these ideas that not being able to orgasm or feel pleasure from a certain form of sex is bad or wrong.

For instance, you mention that a partner kissing your thighs feels better than oral sex to you. If that's the case, then I'd say follow that sensation of pleasure rather than switching over to oral sex just because you feel like you should. Does that make sense?

Can you take a look at the advice Elise gave in the post above yours? Are there things she's recommending that you think you could try?

Too, when you had those appointments with healthcare professionals, did you mention the fact that it's painful to touch or move the clitoral hood?