Just BDSM in general

[ASelfawareFruit]

As the title says, I just want to talk about somethings and get some people's opinions. I'm not going to say I've been interested in BDSM since I was eight or anything, because I wasn't, though I have been interested for a few years and more aware of that interest for a few months.


Just some background. I'm confused. I can see myself in a BDSM relationship really easily, but I'm 'normal' so everyone must be interested in BDSM to some extent. Right? But when I've tried to casually or jokingly talk about with friends they seem less than interested in it. So, kind of like topic 0.5 is, 'is it a passing curiosity or am I actually into BDSM like I think I am?' Kind of breaking into the next topic, but I can't and don't really want to find out the answer to this question because I've never actually been in a relationship.


Okay, further into relationships with BDSM and elaborating on before. I've never dated anyone to any remote degree of seriousness(like last time was in elementary school) and I've felt no urge to do so. Not to say I haven't found a girl hot, or haven't gone on a date before though. I think if I tried I could've gotten a girlfriend, but on dates it was almost bland. Looking back, I think it was because I kinda took the lead and I think I'm more a sub. It just feels like par for the course and that I'm trying to fit BDSM into my life because when I read and research about it, there are these crazy kinks and situations that make me seem vanilla. But at the same time, I feel like me being not vanilla would explain a lot.

Part two: So thinking all this through, I was like, 'well... see if you're forcing a triangle into a circle, or if I'm actually a triangle with the good old fashioned 'actually do it.'" The problem is, it's 2020 and covid-19 is on the loose, I'm not very social person and only have a few friends, I'm 16 and a junior in high school, I have no idea where to even start finding a girl who would even consider trying something remotely kinky much less something more 'extreme' like a PE, and like I said before I just don't really initiate(I'm not particularly shy or lazy, it just isn't me). I'm sure there are million other reason, but those are the only I can think of right now.

Part 3: Is being kinky and want to explore that at my age a bad thing? I can practically see the keys saying, 'it's healthy to be curious at your age.' but it almost feels wrong to want these things that are usually depicted as adult-y. Like in BDSM there's TPE and D/s and O/s relationships that seem like only adult should be willing to even think about doing, but I feel like I would be so happy in a relationship like that. So fullfilled having someone else I could rely on completely. Oh wow, you can practically hear my inner sub, even though I'm pretty sure I'm a switch, but that's the thing, I don't know. I don't even know where to start exploring myself. I can imagine all these things, but I won't truly know until I experiment. Like do I think I'm a switch because the dom part comes from the societal norms of being a man, or do I genuinely like both dominating and submitting.

(It's so hard to put these abstract feelings into words.) In hindsight, this might fit under relationships better, but it should still fit here.

Part 4(last at the moment): I'm a heterosexual man. I've never had to come out to friends, family, the public, but I feel this pressure. I've always been open with my mom. I'm a momma's boy and she has always been great about letting us feel like we can talk about anything with her, but I don't even know if I should/ have to come out to them. Like I said, is this just a passing fancy and even if it's not why would I have to come out? But at the same time there's this pressure. I don't know what to call it. Just thinking about made me shake with-- I don't know.

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too long. Even if there wasn't really a specific question, just putting it down helped. Thanks for reading and understanding!

[Alexa]

Hey there ASelfAwareFruit,

First of all, I wanna say that we at Scarleteen very much recognize that beginning to understand your sexual desires, satisfactions, etc. in your adolescence is perfectly normal -- so I wouldn't worry about whether it's "okay" to think about this at your age or not; it's totally fine!

We have a couple of great articles & columns about exploring your interest in kink. May I suggest:

• BDSM Fantasy: Will it Limit My Sex Life?
• Working the Kinks Out
• 50 Shades of BS: How to Tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse

The last article is especially important because, when you're first exploring BDSM, it's critical to remember that kink is consensual. Some media portrayals of BDSM (cough, 50 shades) do not do this justice.

To address some of your other questions: yes, liking BDSM is totally normal (what is normal, anyways?), and honestly, you don't need to seek a relationship immediately to confirm your desires, even though I get how it can feel that way. It's okay to get to know your desires on your own a bit before seeking them out in the real world.

Finally, I want to address your question about "coming out." You say you feel pressured to share this element of your desire with your family -- could you explain why? Coming out is generally thought of in relation to marginalized sexual and gender identities (more in our article Becoming Out). This is because LGBTQIA+ folks come out in the presence of "a history of struggle and violence" that can make coming out a scary process. While kinky desires may not be considered mainstream, the kink community doesn't have this same history of oppression and marginalization, so "coming out" as kinky isn't quite the same -- nor is it something you necessarily need to share with your family in the hopes that they'll accept it.

Sharing your desires with partners to see if they are shared is a bit different -- and it will happen naturally, in time! If you'd like to discuss further how to share your desires with potential partners, we can definitely do that here.

[ASelfawareFruit]

Ok, I responded to this, but I think it got deleted or something, so I'm going to reply once again. I'll try to just repeat what I wrote before and add a few more things (in case my original reply shows up.)

Thanks for responding, the articles were helpful. It's nice to talk and verbalize these feelings and thoughts for me.

I'm a huge bookworm so the first thing I did when I had the realization, 'I like BDSM' was research, but even without that I wouldn't even think of doingany sexual or non-sexual activity without consent. I would like to think I'm well grounded and have upstanding morals.

Maybe 'coming out' wasn't quite the right phrase. I don't feel any pressure to talk about it from anyone or anything except myself. It's just that I think for me, BDSM would be more than just something I do in the bedroom. I think it would be a large part of my relationship if not a 24/7 thing. The idea of being in a relationship with someone and my friends and family finding out my interests that way is what makes me feel weird. Like if I called up or visited family and was like, 'I'm getting married!' 'What's the ring look like, when did you propose?' 'No, she proposed. With a collar!' It would just feel so awkward.

I think that if they knew I was into BDSM, they would know me better or something like that. I just kinda feel like I'm hiding a part of myself, but at the same time I think, ' I wouldn't tell my brother if I had a thing for feet' (which I don't). It just feels like both a really personal and not personal thing that I think friends and family should know and have no reason to know. All at the same time! That's the pressure I feel.

I know that they would be nothing but supportive and that nothing would change. But things would change and being aware of something doesn't make these feelings disappear. (Also I'm so sad, my original one worded everything so much better. Lol.)

This is stuff I didn't mention in my original one I wrote. So, hopefully this will touch more on the sex part that this forum is supposed to be about.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm a switch that would be very sub(some people don't like labels, but labels help me). When I imagine sex, I'm usually the bottom. But I don't know if I'm actually a switch or it's just that annoying thing called social norms that makes me feel less if I admit to being anything less than masculine. I would say I'm pretty masculine and not at all feminine, but I'm still sexually attracted to dominant women. I just hate that I have to feel like less or be called a sissy. Can't I want to call my girlfriend or wife or parter mistress without being looked at weirdly or wear a collar in public to show my commitment to someone.--never experienced this personally, but you can't deny that sub men are treated like this often.

Got a little side tracked (Gah! Who am I trying to convince? I didn't even talk about sex). I'm not sure what my kinks would be specifically until I experiment extensively, but I do know I have them. How? Not entirely sure. But I do. I want to explore and experiment, but I don't even know how. There's the whole covid deal. I'm not too introverted and I can hold a conversation pretty well, but I don't make new friends all that easily. I don't have any person that I a) am attracted to, b) think would be will to do anything kinky. I have no girlfriend (probably should of said this first). I don't have any tools or ways of getting them(I think I would be interested in bondage for example, so rope, bondage tape, gags, etc.), but even if I did I run into the problem of no one to do it with again.

I'm not really desperate to do any of this right now, but it's like I found this new side of me and I don't want to put it off or ignore it.

I don't usually acknowledge my emotions until I explode, so right now I feel fine, but it's just so frustrating. Though writing it down or saying it outloud helps me process what's so frustrating in the first place instead of just feeling frustrated, so this helps a lot.

Thanks again.(Finger crossed, this doesn't delete itself)

[Sam W]

Hi ASelfawareFruit,

On the boards, a person's first three posts automatically go into moderation (we did this due to a spam problem), which is why you didn't see your first post.

Now, on to the other stuff!

I get that feeling of being to BDSM stuff as feeling both very relevant to your personality and very much not anybody else's business. Too, there's a huge range of how people who enjoy elements of BSDM integrate it into the rest of their lives; for some it's something that stays in the bedroom, for others it spreads out into more involved, elaborate things like 24/7 dom/sub dynamics. In terms of bringing it up to family, I'd err on the side of keeping it private unless there was something about it that majorly influenced how you needed them to treat you or a partner. Does that make sense?

You're right that it's frustrating that there are still pretty rigid sexual norms around what genders are supposed to be dominant or submissive (or that those dynamics "should" exist rather than existing as a choice) when it comes to sex. Something that I suspect will help is to, as you continue exploring BDSM concepts and when BDSM spaces become accessible to you as an adult, seek out guys who share those preferences and talk with them about how they navigate some of those feelings around gender and submission.

That brings me to another important point which is that, as you've noted, this is all super-hypothetical right now, and might stay that way for some time. That being said, it's totally normal to get excited when you discover a new thing (sexual or otherwise) that interests you and to want to spend a ton of energy learning about it and exploring it. So, for the time being, continuing to learn about BDSM, including safety and talking about experimenting with it with a partner, might be a more helpful use of your energy than worrying about hypothetical situations.

[ASelfawareFruit]

Ok, thanks for telling me. I guess I was being a little impatient and thought it got deleted(never been very good with patience).

Worrying about hypotheticals probably isn't the best when I can't do anything about it. It's actually not like me at all, or at least how I usually am. I usually try not to worry about a problem until I have to. Is that responsible? Maybe not. But it makes my life so much less stressful and I don't know why I stopped doing that for a moment.

Yeah, it does make sense to be more private than not for something like this right now.

Thanks, you really helped and I appreciate it, especially since talking about my situation was the problem.

Anyway, I'll just keep on researching and trying to learn more.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

With worrying, it's often the most helpful to worry about a problem when there's something concrete you can do to address it. I will say that, when we're spending a lot of time thinking or learning about a topic like you are right now, it's pretty easy for worries to be one of the many things that we start wondering about, since out brains are already playing "what if."

[bikinksterboy]

idk if this is at all relevant, but there are ways to legally be sexual and explore BDSM with people without necessarily either going into a full relationship or doing anything in person! text roleplay, collaborative fiction writing, and sexting are all options! That sort of thing might be something you have to work out on a one-to-one basis, but I just think it's important to acknowledge. There are minor-safe RP communities where you could connect with others and maybe start something, and websites like shamchat and Omegle. Something to note though is, in my experience, those sorts of communities and platforms tend not to encourage long-term relationships as much as short "no strings attached" hookup style interaction. But it doesn't have to be that way!