Scarleteen

So, I had a thing for a 14 year old girl as of 5 days ago. She acted as though she had a thing for me, until five days ago she told me she didn't care, and was more attracted to this 22 year old guy, who lives with his parents, who she gave my snap, who preceded to call me a nig&$#, a simp, and then a nig&#@ - fag&$@ (which is really wierd since I'm about as Caucasian as they come). Which is totally her choice, ig. She was effectively leading me on and I don't know why. I thought about it for a while, and after my initial anger, I decided I was still very much in love with her. I decided I needed to change who I was so I could be worthy of her. I'm turning my whole life around to be enough for her. Every day I cut a tally mark into my chest to make sure so remember how long it takes to change. I don't know what to do. I hate myself. I want her, but I want other people. I need love and support, and I'm not getting any. I don't know what to do.

Hi idk anymore,

I'm concerned that you're engaging in self-harm and that you don't feel like you're receiving any love or support right now; that's what I'd like to focus on for the moment. If there is anyone in your life who you feel is supportive of you, do you feel like you could reach out to them right now? Are you currently receiving any sort of mental health support, and if you aren't, is that something you'd like information on, so we could help you access that support? Are there adults in your life who would take you seriously if you let them know how you're feeling right now?

I have a therapist that takes me seriously. However, at the end of the day I am the only one who can enact serious, positive, change in my own life. Something I have proven time and time again to be impossible. All I ever manage to do is upset people, and make accusations at anyone and everyone I encounter. Something I'm sure you've already observed. I came to this forum in hopes of making friends with some of the people in one of the most friendly communities I know, sadly, I can't even get that right.

I'm glad that you have a therapist on your team. Perhaps they are someone that you can talk to about these feelings that you're describing of not being able to get anything right? We're not equipped to give specific support on self harm and mental health issues, unfortunately.

Taking personal responsibility and recognising that at the end of the day you're the one in the driving seat in your own life is great. It can also be pretty overwhelming though if you're extrapolating that to mean that you have to do it alone, or you have to change everything at once. You get to recognise the small victories - which, by the way, include getting yourself a therapist, and reaching out to people - and you also get to build a support team around you to help you along the way.

I can't tell.my therapist about all of these feelings. If they know that I am hurting myself the i could be sent to a hospital for my own protection, something, I can't deal with in my life right now.

Hey idk anymore,

If you don't want to share this with your therapist, I would recommend checking in with other professionals, like those at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255. They have a lot of experience helping folks through self-harm.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will certainly consider it