i think i'm just not made for hookups

[confusedinlove]

so i've had sex or done sexual things a few times in my life, always with a friend or someone i was dating. but i've been feeling super bored and reckless lately, and i'm recently 18, and about a week ago i decided to find someone online to hook up with. we ended up getting high and having sex in a car on the side of the road. very cliché litany of bad decisions, but it already happened, so i don't need to hear about that. but it... uh... it was bad. it was super awkward, neither of us had an orgasm, and while i don't regret it having the experience once, i definitely won't hook up with a stranger again. now he wants to see me again, which surprises the hell out of me. he seems cool, and we were getting along great before that, though things obviously got awkward after. i don't really know what to do. i don't even know how i feel. hell, i don't even know what my question is. i guess...any advice?

[Siân]

Hi confusedinlove,

You know, contrary to popular belief I think I speak to more people who aren't into hookups than who are, both here and amongst my friends. I think a lot of that is down to sex being more enjoyable for a lot of people when they are super comfortable and relaxed, and are really attracted or connected to the person they are having sex with. As a rule of thumb, if it feels awkward, or like you want something to take the edge off to be able to do it in the first place...it's probably not going to be great sex.

The best casual sex tends to based on really WANTING the sex that is on offer (not wanting to want it, or wanting some idea of what it could be, wanting what is right in front of you), plus a good understanding of what you like, feeling comfortable asking for it and everyone involved having good communication and negotiation skills to figure out what you all feel good about on-the-go.

I guess when it comes to this guy, my question to you is what (if anything) would you like now? You say you got on great, would you like to see him again? As a friend? As a date? Not at all? Tell him that. It's also fine to be open about whether you're interested in having sex with him again - maybe never, maybe further down the line when you're more comfortable with each other, maybe you don't know yet. My main piece of advice is to pay attention to what you feel good about and only do the things that make you feel good - does that help ?

[confusedinlove]

yeah, i might try to be friends i guess. after a while, i think i would feel weird seeing him again right now - i actually told him i was gonna be away, lol. and you're right, i think most people aren't happy with "hookup culture", even people who do hookups. weird how "friends with benefits" relationships have a worse reputation in terms of casual sex, but honestly, imo, having sex with friends is a lot better and less...i don't know, empty. i think...love isn't about sex, but sex is about love, even if it's not romantic love. i'm just a very impulsive person, and i often do things i know i'll regret, like, just because i can. but i think i needed to try it just once, and now i won't wonder. thanks, i think i just needed someone to talk at and like...process this whole thing, because it was not in character for me and i spent a few days just like, what.

[Mo]

I think taking some space from this guy and seeing how you feel after a little time has gone by makes a lot of sense. I'm glad talking about this has been helpful! I feel that way a lot, too; just processing my thoughts enough to put them into words can be a useful part of understanding how I feel about something. I can understand feeling like you want to try something you won't keep wondering what it would be like or how you'd feel about it, and even though it sounds like this isn't something for you, you do at least know that for sure now, and that's a useful thing to know about yourself and what you need to be comfortable being sexual with someone.