What now?..

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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LovePineapples
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Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 7:45 pm
Age: 20
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Primary language: English/Arabic
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Sexual identity: bisexual
Location: Land down under

What now?..

Unread post by LovePineapples »

I hope everyone is having a pleasant day :)

I guess I'll share an update on my recovery process following being r*ped a few years ago.

I've come to accept what's happened. I feel like I'm no longer 'traumatised' in an emotional sense, I've spent a lot of time trying to heal. I still experience a lot of physical dilemma's as a result of the incident (most notably not being able to have an orgasm due to getting a PTSD-like anxiety attack beforehand), but i plan on seeking more suitable professional help to see what I can do about that.

That doesn't really bother me though.

As a result of the incident, I turned into a terrible individual (up until a few months ago, where I decided to properly work on things and face the monsters in my head). I grew cynical, distrustful, resentful, angry, manipulative and uncaring towards people. All the hurt I had inside of me manifested itself in how I behaved towards others. I'm in no way saying the incident is an excuse for that behaviour, if I could go back in time and change everything I would, but I can't.
I've lost almost all my friends. I don't have a relationship with my family at all, I've hurt my partner so bad and I feel extremely alone. I don't know what to do. I feel like i've forgotten how to human, i get so much social anxiety now and I just don't want to go out. I feel like I've done a lot to deal with the incident itself, and the trauma I experienced from within. I know lashing out and being horrible to others is an immature way to go about things, and I don't do that anymore.. but I don't know how to deal with the ripple effects of everything else. The incident was like a domino effect; it knocked everything else down with it. I don't feel like I can properly talk to anyone. I feel so alone.. and i guess a lot of other abuse/r*pe victims feel that way too when trying to gain control back in their life. I've heard similar emotional states being in long-time prisoners, who finally serve their sentence after decades and become "free", but in actuality, are tossed into a world that's so foreign and unfamiliar.
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 10320
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: What now?..

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi LovePineapples,

I'm glad to hear you feel like you're making progress in your healing; that's something you deserve, and something I know you've put a lot of energy into.

Describing the assault as having a domino effect is something I've heard from other survivors as well. When we're dealing with trauma, or right in the aftermath of it, we can make choices that feel like the best way of protecting ourselves, even if they're one's we regret later or that hurt people we care about. The good news is that, since you recognize this is happening, you have a chance to try and repair those relationships, or even build new ones if that's what feels right to you.

With that in mind, are there certain relationships you'd like to prioritize repairing?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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LovePineapples
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 7:45 pm
Age: 20
Awesomeness Quotient: I love art and video games
Primary language: English/Arabic
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: bisexual
Location: Land down under

Re: What now?..

Unread post by LovePineapples »

Sam W wrote:Hi LovePineapples,

I'm glad to hear you feel like you're making progress in your healing; that's something you deserve, and something I know you've put a lot of energy into.

Describing the assault as having a domino effect is something I've heard from other survivors as well. When we're dealing with trauma, or right in the aftermath of it, we can make choices that feel like the best way of protecting ourselves, even if they're one's we regret later or that hurt people we care about. The good news is that, since you recognize this is happening, you have a chance to try and repair those relationships, or even build new ones if that's what feels right to you.

With that in mind, are there certain relationships you'd like to prioritize repairing?
Thank you for the response :)

I really want to work on my relationship with my boyfriend, in the past I've lied and betrayed him a lot, I didn't enjoy it, it was me lashing out and projecting the hurt within me onto him.. I feel immense remorse and guilt from it, I know there's absolutely no excuse for my behaviour. I can't imagine what I put him through, but he's heartwarmingly tried to see my side and he's agreed to work on things. There are very awful trust issues and I want to solve those, make him realise that i won't betray him or anything like that ever again, but I understand why he can't trust that. I'm not so sure what to do.
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Alexa
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 159
Joined: Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:43 am
Age: 32
Awesomeness Quotient: i make the world's best pancakes!
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her/ella
Sexual identity: queer, pansexual
Location: Chicago, IL

Re: What now?..

Unread post by Alexa »

Hey LovePineapples,

It sounds like, in addition to working on how you treat your partner, you need to heal & find some forgiveness for yourself and your healing process. If you're suffering from these trust issues, the best way to heal your relationship with him (or any romantic partner) is going to be to help yourself first. Put on your own oxygen mask!

Do you have support in navigating your troubles with trust and lashing out?
Alexa K.
Scarleteen Team
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