Scarleteen

This is going to be a long one...

First of all I want to start off by saying thank you. I am really glad that I have found this platform because I think it is really important for young people, especially young people with vaginas to have a place to go to talk about sex. Since I have become sexually active in the past year or so I have started to feel the stigmas around sex for those with vaginas. In porn it seems so obvious to me that the female is acting all for the male’s pleasure. The constant exaggerated breathing, moans, and lip bites just make me feel annoyed. At the same time they also make me feel like there is something wrong with me because I want to feel what those females appear to be feeling during sex, but I don’t and I feel like I can’t. I know that the females aren’t always faking it in porn, but either way it sets up unrealistic expectations for females in the bedroom.

I am almost 18 and I have been sexually active for over a year now and I’m getting frustrated about not being able to orgasm. It makes my boyfriend feel like he is not enough because he can’t “make me cum” and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have tried to tell him that he is enough, whether or not I can orgasm (because sex is not the most important part of a relationship for me). It also just leaves me feeling really unsatisfied. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. We have been dating for almost two years now and I feel very close and comfortable with him. I really love him and I find him very attractive. He definitely turns me on and can get me really “wet” so to say. The only thing that I feel like is holding us back is that the fact that I haven’t been able to orgasm.

I find oral sex with clitoral stimulation really pleasurable but I have not been able to orgasm from it. I think that I have come close to orgasm from oral sex before but my boyfriend would seem too tired because he had been going at it for awhile. It would usually make me feel bad so I would tell him he could just stop.

As for penetrative sex, it just doesn’t feel like much. Sometimes it feels kinda good but it’s never anything amazing. I have tried rubbing my clitoris during penetration, but the penetration just seems to take the entire sensation of how it usually feels when I masturbate. So rubbing my clit never seems to help. It all just feels kind of numb during penetration. Another note I want to add about penetrative sex is that sometimes when I have sex within several days after finishing my period it hurts. It’s kind of a burning sensation and sometimes the pain will linger for around 30 minutes to an hour after sex. It’s not unbearable but it’s definitely uncomfortable. Whenever this happens I either tell him and finish him off/he finishes off or I will just suck it up and tell him after he has finished. He has always been very understanding about it and he feels bad when I tell him afterwards that it hurt.

However, I have been able to achieve orgasm by rubbing my clitoris, but I have never masturbated with my boyfriend or in front of him. I don’t think that he even knows that I masturbate on a regular basis. I think he knows that I have masturbated before but I don’t think he thinks I do it often. I also don’t think he knows that I watch porn sometimes. I know that he masturbates sometimes and I know that he watches porn. I don’t know why but I feel nervous to tell him that I masturbate and watch porn. Other than not telling him that, I think that we have been very open with each other in communicating about sex.

I just feel a little lost overall because I really want to be able to enjoy my sex life as much as I can because I know that sex can be a wonderful thing. This is something that has been a stressor in the back of my head for quite some time. I have tried doing plenty of research in search of help with problems but I haven’t been successful yet. I am so glad I have found this platform so that I can seek advice for my specific issues.

So I guess my main questions are...

How can I make penetrative sex more pleasurable?
In what ways can I strengthen my sex life with my boyfriend?
How do I stop feeling like there is something wrong with me?
How can I make my boyfriend feel like he is enough (because he is)?

Hi spacecadet!

I'm so glad you've found us

So I think you've got a lot of the answers you're looking for already. One of the first questions that comes to my mind when someone is finding partnered sex a bit meh is have you figured out, through masturbation, what feels good to you? It sounds like in your case the answer is yes, which is a great start!

So, how do you bring that knowledge to partnered sex with your boyfriend? Well, I'd say that if you want orgasms to be a part of the sex you have with him, then bringing in activities that are more likely to get you off sounds like a good way forward. There are a lot of things you can try, from mutual masturbation, him using his hands on you, watching porn together, whatever makes you feel good. Also, where you say you feel close when receiving oral sex but it takes a long time? That's totally normal. A lot of women find that they need one thing really consistently for a while to orgasm. Obviously your boyfriend isn't obliged to do anything he doesn't want to, but you may both need to accept that you're going to need more than 5 minutes.

If you don't want to present it as a mission to get you off, you could open up with a broader conversation about trying some new things together. It can even be a fun game if you decide to e.g. take intercourse off the table for a while and experiment with all the other ways of making each other feel good. We have this tool to help you two have a conversation about it too: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

I would say that where you talked about "sucking it up" and not telling him something hurt made me wince. Don't get me wrong, I've been there, but I want you to stop and think a minute about what is happening in that moment. You are putting his pleasure ahead of your own comfort - literally deciding that it's okay for you to feel bad if it makes him feel good. Does that sound like a good dynamic to you? Sure, some lube might help, but I think it's important to speak up in those moments.

It all wraps up into the same thing - let's prioritise YOUR pleasure a little more. Including if that means shaking up the kinds of sex you're having with your boyfriend. Once you're enjoying the sex you're having more, it'll be easier to bring penetration back in as a part of that overall enjoyable experience.

That's a lot to be getting on with, and I am conscious that I probably haven't covered even half of the stuff you were asking about but I don't want to throw too much at you all at once! If it helps, yours is a very common experience though it certainly doesn't have to be this way. You can see a small sample of other questions here, with more advice: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum

What are your next steps going to be here? What would you like to talk about in more detail?