navigating a difficult past
Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2021 10:20 pm
Once, when I was 17, I was making out with a fellow 17-year-old who went further than I felt comfortable with: basically, they got on top of me and started tribbing/grinding their genitals against mine (we’re both AFAB). We hadn't verbally discussed boundaries, and I don't remember how much I non-verbally signalled my discomfort (it was long ago; I was drunk). I do remember that at some point I decided to pretend to be into it because it seemed easier. It happened on two or maybe three occasions - I broke things off after that.
I’m now 28 and have reconnected with this person. We saw each other for a weekend in June 2019 and have been in touch on-and-off since then, though we haven't seen each other since because we live in different continents. We’ve discussed our history: they feel terrible about it, have apologised profusely, and are careful to respect my boundaries now.
We really like each other and have built a beautiful dynamic where we deeply care about each other. We have a lovely connection in so many ways - we're both on the autism spectrum, we're both genderqueer, we went to the same (very particular/strange) high school, we're both from the Mediterranean but have spent a lot of time in Anglo contexts, we speak the same languages (English, Spanish, Italian), we have similar relationships to studying and careers, we have similar values in terms of consumerism and the environment, we're both monogamous, and we've experienced similar forms of queer sexual trauma in relationships from our early twenties. It feels very special.
Even though we like each other a lot, things often still feel a bit icky and heavy for me, like I feel kind of repulsed by them a lot of the time. I find myself struggling with lots of questions, like:
-- is it fair to describe what happened between us when we were teenagers as sexual assault? That's something that many people would not even consider sex.
-- how much is the ickiness I feel with this person due to our specific history, and how much of it is due to sexual assaults that I experienced in later years that are yet to be resolved?
-- can we ever move past this history and have a healthy relationship? We find ourselves talking and planning for a way for us to be living in the same place at some point over the next few years: is that reckless or irresponsible?
I am in therapy for my experiences of sexual assault (primarily doing EMDR) and I am on anti-depressants, but therapy is just taking so long, and I am so tired of everything hurting so much and being so confusing.
I’m now 28 and have reconnected with this person. We saw each other for a weekend in June 2019 and have been in touch on-and-off since then, though we haven't seen each other since because we live in different continents. We’ve discussed our history: they feel terrible about it, have apologised profusely, and are careful to respect my boundaries now.
We really like each other and have built a beautiful dynamic where we deeply care about each other. We have a lovely connection in so many ways - we're both on the autism spectrum, we're both genderqueer, we went to the same (very particular/strange) high school, we're both from the Mediterranean but have spent a lot of time in Anglo contexts, we speak the same languages (English, Spanish, Italian), we have similar relationships to studying and careers, we have similar values in terms of consumerism and the environment, we're both monogamous, and we've experienced similar forms of queer sexual trauma in relationships from our early twenties. It feels very special.
Even though we like each other a lot, things often still feel a bit icky and heavy for me, like I feel kind of repulsed by them a lot of the time. I find myself struggling with lots of questions, like:
-- is it fair to describe what happened between us when we were teenagers as sexual assault? That's something that many people would not even consider sex.
-- how much is the ickiness I feel with this person due to our specific history, and how much of it is due to sexual assaults that I experienced in later years that are yet to be resolved?
-- can we ever move past this history and have a healthy relationship? We find ourselves talking and planning for a way for us to be living in the same place at some point over the next few years: is that reckless or irresponsible?
I am in therapy for my experiences of sexual assault (primarily doing EMDR) and I am on anti-depressants, but therapy is just taking so long, and I am so tired of everything hurting so much and being so confusing.