Scarleteen

Ok so: I recently came out as polyamorous. I've questioned my romantic and/or sexual identity pretty regularly since I started dating because dating felt somehow really weird to me, and that's the label/identity I feel comfortable with. Anyway, I quite recently got with a partner, and we have a great relationship. The issue is, I'm very much poly and they're very much not. When I told them, they seemed very uncomfortable with it and asked to talk about it again as and when I felt like I wanted to date another person, saying that they'd like to have me to themself for a bit longer. I can tell that the idea of me dating other people makes them pretty uncomfortable, but the problem is that this feels super weird/restricting to me, and now I'm starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable. I don't want to bring it up again right now, because I don't particularly want to date anyone else, and I don't think we'd come to any different conclusions. Help?

Hi SirenSong,

This is one of those situations might not have an easy resolution, since it sounds like your partner isn't okay, or at least very uneasy, with the idea of this being a non-monogamous relationship. Do you feel like, if you were to find someone else you're interested in dating, that you'd be able to have that conversation with them? What about a conversation (or several conversations) where you work out whether that's really something they're okay with or something they said you should do so they could be done talking about it and they assuming you won't take them up on the offer?

It might also help to think about whether this is a deal-breaker for you. Can you feel comfortable and happy in a relationship where polyamory may not be (or flat-out isn't) an option?

Hi Sam
Thanks for the advice! I think if I found someone I wanted to go out with, I would be able to talk to my partner about it, but my main concern is that they would say it was ok to make me happy, even if it wasn't. When I talked to them before, they did say that they didn't like it, but that the main thing was that I was comfortable, which I don't agree with because we both need to be ok.

Hey SirenSong,

Woof. I'm sorry, this is a tough one -- and just for the sake of openness, I have been in this situation before! It is hard.

Sam asked some great questions. I think the is-this-a-dealbreaker-for-you one is extra important. The truth is, someone who wants to be with you so much that they're considering living in discomfort to be with you can feel super romantic -- but it's also not sustainable, or the healthiest for either of you. It's a good idea to talk really openly together about whether there is a solution that both of you will be truly happy with -- not just fine/okay/dealing.

It seems like you already know that, since you said "we both need to be ok." I agree. And FWIW, I totally know the feeling you mentioned: "this feels super weird/restricting to me, and now I'm starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable." That feeling of tightening and restricitng might be better some days, worse others -- but it's hard to get rid of it completely unless you've established a working relationship model that makes both of you happy.

What kinds of things could you talk through with this person to determine whether a romantic relationship will be healthy and sustainable for both of you in the long-term?