Scarleteen

Hi, my name is Belle and I’m an 18-year-old girl. I know I’m not straight but I’m not sure whether I am bisexual or a lesbian. When I was younger (like 12), I had crushes on guys. I was never attracted to boys my age; I always preferred male celebrities who were older than me. I remember I liked Shawn Mendes when I was 13 and he was 17, but all the other guys I liked were in their 20s or even 30s, and they were all celebrities.

When I was about 14, I started developing a crush on a woman (a 25-year-old professional athlete). This felt really different from my crushes on men. When I looked at men, I thought of them in a very childlike, Barbie-and-Ken kind of way. I saw them as fairytale princes with pretty, kissable faces, and I just wanted to marry them. I kind of thought sex was weird and gross, but I thought that was normal because I was still really young. (I actually found myself really attracted to gay guys). But when I looked at women, I felt very attracted to their bodies. I wanted to touch them, and I would catch myself checking them out.

At first, I labeled myself as bisexual because I still felt attracted to both genders. If I saw a picture of an attractive couple, I wanted to marry the man and make out with the woman. But as I got older, I started feeling less attracted to men. I still think some men are incredibly handsome, and sometimes I think about kissing them. But I don’t really have a desire to have sex with them, whereas I would love to have sex with a beautiful woman. So I’m starting to wonder if I’m a lesbian.

I read an article explaining that sexual attraction and romantic attraction aren’t always linked, so I think that might be it. I know there’s a term called “biromantic homosexual” and I think maybe that’s it? I’m really not sure and it’s just very confusing. I have lots of queer friends on social media, but they all seem to have different opinions about what’s going on and I wanted to ask some professionals.

Hi belled,

Before we dive into the specifics of your situation, there are two things it might help to keep in mind. The first is that sexuality can be fluid over the course of our lives. That means we can identify as one thing when we're younger, then get information about our patterns of attraction that suggests another identity might be more accurate. And, ultimately, each of us is the boss of what label(s), if any, we use to identify our sexual orientation. We can give you information and insight, but ultimately you get to decide how you identity.

With that in mind, if biromantic homosexual feels like the right fit, then you're welcome to use it! Too, it might help to know that the majority of bi folks don't experience attraction to every gender in the exact same way. So the differences in the attraction you feel for men versus women may fall under that pattern. You can read even more about it here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _and_women.

Does any of that help? Does it raise more questions?

Hi,
I hope it’s ok if I quickly jump in here! As a bisexual person, I can imagine being with a woman both romantically and sexually and being with a man only sexually. I suppose I could call myself many different things, but I chose bi because it felt the best for me. You are different from me, have different feelings, a different situation. Obviously I can’t tell you what to call yourself. That is wholly and completely up to you. If you’d like to call yourself lesbian because that’s what you feel describes you best, then go for it! If the label bisexual feels good to you, perfect, great! If biromantic homosexual is better, perfect, great, use that instead. Also, if at any time you don’t feel comfortable with calling yourself that anymore, or you found something better, or whatever reason you don’t want to use the label you gave yourself before, that completely ok. It’s all about you, and what you want for yourself. Don’t let anyone or anything change it for you!

Sam W wrote:Hi belled,

Before we dive into the specifics of your situation, there are two things it might help to keep in mind. The first is that sexuality can be fluid over the course of our lives. That means we can identify as one thing when we're younger, then get information about our patterns of attraction that suggests another identity might be more accurate. And, ultimately, each of us is the boss of what label(s), if any, we use to identify our sexual orientation. We can give you information and insight, but ultimately you get to decide how you identity.

With that in mind, if biromantic homosexual feels like the right fit, then you're welcome to use it! Too, it might help to know that the majority of bi folks don't experience attraction to every gender in the exact same way. So the differences in the attraction you feel for men versus women may fall under that pattern. You can read even more about it here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _and_women.

Does any of that help? Does it raise more questions?

Thank you! I really appreciate your explanation. I never really realized that you can go through different labels at different times in life. This is very helpful!

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful!