Why can’t I feel anything when I touch myself?

[Esprit]

When I touch myself, I don’t really feel anything anymore. When I touched myself directly (clitoris) for the first time, I actually felt it and was able to orgasm. I could touch any spot on my clitoris and I felt it. But now, when I touch myself, I can’t feel anything at all unless I use a vibrator on the highest setting.

When I use a vibrator, I try to circle it around my clitoris, but I don’t feel anything by doing that. I have the hold the vibrator on the “right spot” and even then, I don’t feel it but for a second, and then it goes away. I have to keep moving the vibrator to find a different spot that works. I used to feel it when I would touch any spot and it didn’t go away after a second. I could touch myself and orgasm easily.

I’ve tried internal stimulation with one finger (too afraid to insert two) and I felt something that felt like an electric sensation over my entire body, but it wasn’t an orgasm. And I didn’t feel what I’d feel when I used to touch my clitoris. Does internal stimulation feel different?

I haven’t been able to orgasm for years and this is very frustrating! Please help, lol.

[Heather]

Hey there, Esprit: welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that you're coming here so frustrated.

So, a lot of how touch feels has to do with what headspace we are in when the touch happens, sometimes even more than it has to do with the touch itself. My first question, then, would be to ask you if anything has changed when it comes to what headspace you're in when you're approaching masturbation/touch.

Do you think you are coming to it just as turned on and curious and excited as you were at first? Probably not, to at least some degree, because when masturbation is really, really new, there by all means tends to be a pretty big intensity because how that feels is so new to us. But if there's a big difference in how you're coming to all this -- including now that you might be bringing ongoing frustrations to the mix -- then that is likely at least part of why the intensity feels so different.

For sure, sensation to the vulva versus sensation inside the vagina will feel different, and how different all of these things feel also differs some from person to person, and, again, headspace to headspace. Just a reminder, though, that most of the clitoris is actually inside the body, it's just that the glans, while much smaller than the whole organ, has the most nerve endings concentrated in the smallest area!

It sounds to me like the first thing you might need to do here is find a way to kind of reset your mind to dump at least some of the frustrations of the last few years and then kind of start fresh, maybe with new toys, maybe with new fantasies or other sexual thoughts in your head, etc. Might that feel doable for you?

[AliahMaharaj]

Hi Esprit,

I want to add that from what you’re describing about your experiences with masturbation, it sounds like frustration about masturbation not feeling the same as it used to is one of the things that’s on your mind the most when you masturbate now, and that’s understandable. It can feel really confusing and unfair when the ways we’re used to don’t seem to be working as well for us anymore, but focusing on how masturbation felt for a different period of time (and comparing the sensations you feel when you try different methods now to that feeling) may be adding pressure and stress that can make feeling pleasure and having orgasms difficult regardless of what techniques or toys you use.

It’s much easier to say “don’t put pressure on yourself” than it is to actually put into practice, but what Heather said about letting go of the frustrations of the past few years could include giving yourself permission to be frustrated about your experiences with masturbation without telling yourself it’s not going the way it’s “supposed to.”

That doesn’t mean it’ll always be confusing or you won’t be able to have orgasms again, it just means that exploring new ways to masturbate may feel less like a chore and more like an opportunity if you approach it in that way.

As for different toys and techniques, we have articles on the site that can be helpful for finding what works for you, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much at once.

How are you feeling about all this, and would those articles be something you’re interested in?

[Esprit]

Can you send me the articles? Thank you, lol.

[KierC]

Hey Esprit

Absolutely! Here’s a few articles to start with that are relevant to your questions:

1. DIY Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition
2. How To Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire On Your Own Terms
3. Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

How do those sound as a start?