can i try dilators without seeing professional help first

[suppe]

i think i have vaginismus. i have no vaginal pain except when i try to insert something bigger than a finger, but i really want to be able to have vaginal sex with my boyfriend and it’s hard for me to see a doctor both because of anxiety and the pandemic. i’ve read about dilators and i think it’s something that could work for me but i don’t know if it’d be wise to use without consulting a professional.

[Heather]

Hey there.

So, for sure, I wouldn’t automatically leap to vaginismus. I also think it’s okay for you to try some things own your own first if you prefer/if that works better with what you can access right now, so long as you’re careful not to do anything that could make things worse.

Dilators may or may not be the right thing for you. I’d be happy to chat a bit within my capacity and see if we can’t get a better sense of what’s going on to see what might help (be that dilators, a healthcare pro, something else, all of the above), if you’d like?

[suppe]

i’d like that, thanks

[Heather]

Sure thing!

Can you start by telling me some more about the pain specifically and what you have and haven’t tried so far? For example, is this happening when you are using plenty of lube, when you are very relaxed and already turned on, when you have already had an orgasm from something else...?

[suppe]

it’s like a burning pressure/pain when i try to insert something bigger than a finger. usually i can get two of my own fingers in but sometimes only one, and it’s painful and i get a lasting soreness if my bf tries with two fingers. the times we’ve tried to get an actual penis in he got the tip of the head in but had to stop bc of pain. we haven’t tried lube, but i’m pretty sure it’s more about size than lubrication. i usually am relaxed and comfortable and aroused when we try, but it’s hard to get away from the reminder that every other time we’ve done something similar it’s been painful. i’ve never had an orgasm

[Sam W]

Hi suppe,

Heather is out today, so I hope it's okay if I chime in. Even if size is playing a role, I would bring lube into the equation to see if that helps at all; a lot of people need extra lube to help vaginal sex or manual sex be comfortable (and if the size of the thing you're inserting is a factor, lube makes it easier to insert things of all sizes). Are you able to get lube pretty easily?

For sure, being worried about the pain from previous attempts happening again can make you tense up right before you try inserting something. Which then makes it harder to insert anything, which then makes pain more likely. It's a vicious, annoying cycle. The more you can focus on feelings of arousal, the easier it might be to relax in those moments.

When you've tried masturbating, have you always tried it with internal stimulation? Or have you also tried it using just external stimulation?

[Heather]

Honestly, I feel like saying you haven’t tried lube with this yet, but it’s probably nothing to do with it is a little like saying you’re thirsty, but you haven’t tried drinking water yet.

There can be more to this, for sure, but adequate lubrication is really, really important with this and is pretty much required for comfortable, let alone enjoyable, vaginal sex. Heck, it’s essential for a comfortable vaginal exam. And soreness like you are describing is often a given when it isn’t being used, especially when you are also anticipating pain.

Can we talk more about where Sam was going with the orgasm/masturbation questions? It really does sound to me like dilators are less likely to be the answer hete than some other things that are needed first.