Scarleteen

So my boyfriend wants to finger me, and I want it too. Like, I want it a lot. But I feel really weird about it. Because it’s kind of a big deal. Like, our relationship is great and I think that being more sexual is making it even better. It’s just kind of overwhelming. I think we might try it for the first time this weekend.

Is it unhealthy that I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about sex except for him and people on Scarleteen?

I also just feel really weird. I don’t know why. I think it might have to do with my previous relationship (the manipulative, asshole ex-boyfriend). I think it may be because of the fact that my ex never showed me affection - like real affection: saying I love you, holding me close to him (without the sole purpose of making out with me), telling me I’m beautiful, that kind of thing. Thankfully my current boyfriend does those things. I just need to hear it more. How do I ask him to tell me he loves me more often? (Like, I know he does but I want to hear it more.) I feel really happy in my relationship in general, but sometimes on days like this I just want to be held and told I’m loved.

I just feel like crying and I don’t know why. Everything’s going well and I don’t want my issues from my past relationship creeping into this one. I feel really clingy. (My boyfriend says he’s okay with it so that’s good. But I don’t like feeling like I need someone. I don’t want to be selfish, but I also just want to spend as much time with him as I can.) Why do I feel so upset when there’s not a reason to be?

It can definitely feel overwhelming to experiment with a new sexual activity you haven't tried before; even if you're excited for it, some level of nerves or worry isn't unusual. I think it'll be good to keep an eye on that feeling; if you're feeling so overwhelmed by the idea that you're actively upset, or you go from nervous anticipation to just nervousness without the excitement, that might be a sign to pull back and reassess whether now's the right time.

It's all right to tell your boyfriend that you could use some extra support and affirmation; that's not a weird or too-clingy thing to do. I do get that feeling of not wanting to need someone too much, or be selfish, but I don't think it's selfish to say "I'm having a hard day, it would mean a lot to spend some time just cuddling with you" or "I'd love some extra affirmation right now." You can make time in these conversations to talk to your boyfriend about the best ways you can give him support or affirmation, too.

It can be tough, sometimes, to let go of fears that past relationships have planted in you. If you feel like you need to cry, let yourself cry! And hopefully you can focus on the good things you have right now in your relationship, when you're feeling upset about how your ex treated you. It may even be helpful to do a little journaling exercise in which you write about the ways your previous boyfriend mistreated you and how your current boyfriend is different in a positive way.

Whatever you wind up doing this weekend, I hope you and your boyfriend can have a nice time together.

Thank you for the reply. It’s relieving to know that my feelings about being more sexual are normal.

I’ll talk to my boyfriend about my needs too. I still feel upset and I just want to be with him right now - even if it’s just holding hands. I guess it’s hard for me to feel like I need someone, even when I know that their company will make me feel better. I don’t know if it’s attachment issues due to the past or just my personality. But I guess whatever the case, it doesn’t really matter because my boyfriend is supportive and know that if I need him he’ll be there. Hopefully I can see him tonight.