Scarleteen

Hi there,
So I’ve (20F) been in a relationship with my boyfriend (19M) for over a year now and things are going great. The only issue is, we had a fight a couple of months back and despite talking it out and getting to a good place I can’t get it out of my head. Basically, he admitted that he used to sleep with one of his closest female friends before we started dating and still maintains a very close relationship with her. Now I’m not worried about him cheating on me or that he has feelings for her, he says it was really only for convenience and I believe him as he had other such relationships going on at the same time with people he now doesn’t speak to. But the fact that he still talks to her every day, goes on walks with her etc. really really bugs me and I don’t know if it’s my own insecurities or if I’m legitimate in feeling threatened. I don’t want to lose him, as I genuinely trust him, I just wish he could see that it’s inappropriate for him to maintain such close ties to her. Moreover, I’m confused as to whether or not it is inappropriate or I’m overreacting. I really wish I could just forget about it and move on as I hate feeling bad about it but it’s like a monkey on my back. We resolved it months ago and I don’t want to bring it up with him again because honestly it wouldn’t help anything. I don’t know why I’m still so hung up on it!
Many thanks,
Patrichles

Hi Patrichles,

It sounds like this is really stressing you out, so let's see if we can find some ways of sorting through those feelings.

Generally speaking, it isn't inappropriate for someone to remain friends, including close friends, with a former sexual partner. In your boyfriends' case, it sounds like they were close friends prior to being sexual, so it makes sense that he would continue being friends with her after the sexual component ended.

Are there specific things he's doing that are making you feel like you can't trust him? You mention he talks with her regularly and they go on walks, but those are things that can easily be part of a healthy friendship. Are there other things that worry you about his behavior towards her? Do you feel like he prioritizes that friendship at the expense of his relationship with you?

Not particularly, he hasn’t displayed anything that would make me actively worried, which is why it irritates me that it does get to me. In general, he’s much closer with girls than guys and as such most of his closest friends are girls, but he has always treated me differently to all of them, including the one he slept with, so I don’t feel threatened in an active sense. I absolutely believe he sees it just as a friendship, I’m just not sure about her as I’ve never actually met her in person due to the lockdown, so it’s impossible to get a read on where she’s coming from. All I know is she does devote time and energy to him, for example wanting to see him on her birthday and talking to him more than anyone else on Snapchat (those symbols really can be a pain). Ultimately I trust my boyfriend utterly and he does actively prioritise me and we do talk about it every now and again to keep on top of it which is really beneficial. It doesn’t help that six months ago my parents split up as a result of my dad having an emotional affair, so I can kind of forgive myself for being hyper vigilant around my boyfriend being close to someone he used to sleep with and is very close to. I just don’t want it to take over my mindset, I really want to stop worrying and move past it because it isn’t healthy given my boyfriend’s behaviour which again, is very devoted to me.

Those details are really helpful, thank you! And I'm sorry you're in the midst of your parents splitting up; that can be such a rough dynamic to be in the midst of.

Since you mention this doesn't feel like an active threat to you two dating, what do you think would make you feel more comfortable with him having a close relationship with her? Is it just the closeness that's anxiety provoking? Or is it something specifically about the fact that they have a sexual history that makes you nervous?

I think it’s very much the timing of me finding it out, which was right when my parents split, just blew it up into a really big thing in my brain, much more than it needed to be! Honestly I think it’s only internal development that will put my mind at ease, I’m considering therapy as I think a lot of it is to do with unprocessed stuff with my parents. I’m not happy per se that they are close given their sexual history, but not enough to feel that it affects our relationship in a meaningful way. This has been helpful though as a sounding board to get my thoughts out!

I'm glad talking here has been helpful! And for sure, seeing a therapist could be a sound call in terms of giving you more space to process these feelings and anything else that's coming up for you as a result of your parents splitting up.