How do I ask...?

[Hel]

So I’m experimenting with more sexual things with my boyfriend. We’ve had some time to process the handjobs we gave each other and I’m feeling ambitious to try something new.

I liked touching his penis but not the act of giving a handjob. I always like using my mouth for I intimate stuff though so I want to try giving him an oral. I don’t know how to bring it up though. Should I just casually tell him?

My sexual fantasies are great because when I picture telling him what I want to do, I’m always sexy and I can talk dirty. But in real life I’m just so damn awkward about sexual stuff, lmao. So any tips on this are welcome!! I’m just wondering which approach to take: dominant and sexy talk approach, or “is this okay? How does it feel when I do this?” more analytical approach.

Thanks!

[Marisha]

Hi Hel!

It's good to hear that you and your boyfriend are making progress in exploring your desires together. Have the two of you had a chance to talk about those former experiences and what works for you? Is your boyfriend also thinking about ways to advance the conversation?

If figuring out how to talk to your partner about sex is your worry, you're in luck: Scarleteen has a bunch of articles about just that (links below)! Let's cover some of the best hits:

- In terms of figuring out how to approach the subject, the way you talk about it depends on the moment. Are you starting this conversation as a lead-up to sex, or do you want to have a partner-to-partner discussion about your desires and needs? Because this is new territory, I think it would be good to do both, but start by speaking plainly. "I like using my mouth for intimate stuff. Do you want to try oral?" This gives both of you the chance to set boundaries and expectations before you jump in.
- I totally get the awkwardness thing. Our fantasies don't always work out the same way in real life. It might be helpful to practice doing the more sexy talk by yourself. It can help you get used to the sound of saying certain words and phrases and help you build your confidence.
- There's nothing saying you can't join the sexy talk with those more analytical questions. After all, you want to figure out what works for both of you!

Does all that make sense? How do these suggestions sound?

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms
Scarleteen Mix #6: Consenting and Other Sexual Communication

[Hel]

Thanks for the reply. My boyfriend and I did talk about the stuff we did the day after. We both really liked it, we just needed a little time to process since it’s new. But I think we’re ready to try again. We’re both pretty horny people, lol.we have talked pretty openly about sex/sexual stuff before and after the handjob stuff, so that’s good.

I’d like to make this conversation happen when we’re already making out/being intimate etc. I really like the suggestion of saying something very blunt but in a sexy way. I hadn’t thought of doing that.

I’ll check out some of the articles. Thanks for the advice!

[Marisha]

That's awesome that you and your boyfriend are able to take that time to process and talk things out with each other!

Glad to help, as always. Don't be afraid to come back to this thread if you want to talk through the experience.

[Hel]

So we talked and we’re planning on having oral sex soon! I’m excited. A little nervous too because I haven’t done this before.

I know everyone’s preferences are different and stuff but are there general techniques that most guys like? I’ve read some articles and stuff on that...

Also (I’m sure I’ll find out soon hehe) what should I be prepared for his cum to taste like?? I’ve heard it’s salty. Is it generally difficult to swallow?

[Mo]

I do think the best way to find out what your boyfriend likes is to take things slow and get feedback from him. If I remember correctly, this will be his first time receiving oral sex as well, am I right? He may not know exactly what he prefers yet, so it's likely that the first time will involve some experimentation and communication about what's feeling good. Has it felt like you've been able to talk about what's working for you both during manual sex, so far?

In terms of tasting or swallowing your partner's ejaculate, people have a pretty wide range of opinions on how easy or enjoyable it is. If it's something you want to try, that's fine, but it's all right if you don't wind up enjoying it or don't want to try at all. I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend to let you know when he's close to orgasm so it's less likely to take you by surprise.

[Marisha]

I hear that nervousness you're feeling, but I'm glad it's more of a good, 'first-time' nervousness rather than a bad kind of nervousness. Because you and your boyfriend sound like you're on the same page and are good communicators, I think you'll be fine.

I totally agree with Mo! Because you're navigating new territory, the best way to figure out what he likes is to 1) ask and 2) try stuff (while checking in with him about whether he enjoys it). I have a couple more articles for you that might have helpful ideas to chew on in terms of technique + discuss these same ideas:

Oral sex for him...but how?
Mouthing Off on Oral Sex

In terms of taste, the human body is a complicated biome of chemicals, and all the things we put into it can influence what comes out. The masculine penis is known for tasting and smelling some degree stronger than the feminine vagina, so I predict you'll experience more musk than salt. That being said, every body is different. Most every food word that you can think of - sweet, salty, sour - can be applied to the taste of someone. This, too, will be another interesting thing to explore together.

I look forward to continuing this conversation! Hope you and you bf have a good time!

[Hel]

Thank you for the loads of advice! Super helpful for me. I’ll ask him what he likes (though it is his first time as well so we’ll both be experimenting). I like the suggestion of asking him to let me know when he’s close to an orgasm.

Thanks for the article as well!

[Hel]

So I did it! I gave him a blowjob and I actually liked it a lot. We didn’t do any deepthroating. I’m curious about it for another but I hate choking... I think it would be hot to have his dick further back in my mouth though. Any tips on how I can get used to having it further back???

Also, I felt really good afterwards. It was in a tired way though. I’ve never been high or drunk before but I felt like I was - my words were all jumbled and I felt shaky and giggly. Is that normal? My boyfriend was very sweet and carried me home since I struggled on my feet because they were so jelly-like. But I just wanted to see if that’s a normal feeling after this kind of sex.

[Heather]

Just so you know, a lot of that -- deepthroating -- is more a set of expectations based on porn and other sexual entertainment than what what works for people and is mutually enjoyable for people in real life. Oral sex, like all kinds of sex between partners, is supposed to feel good for both people, not just one. So, whatever you do should be about what feels good for you and your mouth and throat, not just avoiding something you hate (choking). However deep feels good for you, that's how deep is right. Generally what makes whatever depth feel right is about what we're emotionally comfortable with, and how it feels to us, but also about how relaxed the muscles of our mouths and throats are.

Often when people think deepthroating is hot, what they think is hot *is* that the person giving it is choking and seems to be in pain or uncomfortable, or that it's hot to make yourself uncomfortable for a partner's pleasure. There's a lot to talk about if that's in the mix here -- anything from how to understand, negotiate and otherwise practice BDSM (pain as pleasure, effectively) in healthy ways to processing cultural ideas about how it's often considered hot for women, in particular, to be in pain from men. But I'm open to talking about any of that if you want to.

What you were feeling was most likely a bunch of "happy" chemicals we tend to experience in positive sexual interactions -- endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin -- and just feeling happy and satisfied. There's nothing weird about that.

[Hel]

Okay, yeah I definitely won’t do anything that I hate. I’m curious though about going deeper because I liked when he was deeper for a few seconds, but then my throat decided to gag.

I’ve talked to my boyfriend about BDSM a little bit but I might talk to him about it more in the future so we know what we’re both comfortable with.

A lot of it is probably because it’s both of our first time so we still have to figure out what we like.

Forgot to ask in my previous post:

Is it okay if I finger myself afterwards? I didn’t tonight... He had some pre-cum that I swallowed and got on my hands. And he came in my mouth but I spit it out so it didn’t get on my hands. I washed my hands too, and took a shower, so I don’t think there could be any cum on them but still... just wanted to ask so I know for next time.

Also tonight I got a strange pimple-ish thing on the inside of my cheek where his dick was for a lot of it. It popped so it’s not there anymore but I just wanted to know if that sort of thing is common from oral sex, and if it’s anything to be concerned about.

Thanks!

[Heather]

Well, I'd not think about this as not doing something you hate. I'd think about sexual choices as only doing things we enjoy. There really is no reason to do things we don't. Sex together is supposed to be about exploring the places we find mutual enjoyment, not about partners suffering through things or going through the motions, you know?

Per the inside of your mouth, it's possible that you got a mouth ulcer from abrasion during the oral sex, or already had one from something else (they can happen from all kinds of things in daily life) and this brought it to a head. Just be aware that any open sores in the mouth make STI transmission more likely, so if you're not using condoms for oral sex, it's very important that you both stay exclusive, and, if that changes, that your habits with STI testing and barrier use also change.

Per masturbating afterwards: sure that's okay. Handwashing before you do that like you did is a smart move, and if you do that, you don't have to worry about anything per any pregnancy or infection risks, though tbh, pregnancy that way would be highly, highly unlikely anyway. Those conditions just aren't really suitable for what reproduction requires.

[Hel]

Okay, thank you that all makes sense.

[Heather]

You're welcome.