How can I break up with someone I care about?

[ifthatswhatitis]

Hi!!

I've never done this before, but I've been following Scarleteen on Instagram for a while and I finally have a quandary!! So, I've been (semi-happily) dating my girlfriend since this last summer. (We are both high school seniors) The pandemic definitely made things hard/stressful and included me distancing from my family (who I live with) in order to see her. But, a lot of it was wonderful! She has made the past year fun and interesting and survivable! I have pretty intense anxiety - especially about germs/contagion/illness - and as we learned more about the potential long term effects of COVID-19, things I had been ok with (seeing her and her family) at one point started to feel less ok. Eventually I became so worried that I told her I wanted to stop hanging out in person. She was kind of upset, but understood.

Since then, I have been SO MUCH HAPPIER!!! Having control over what is happening to my body, avoiding the fights we were getting into from spending sooooo much time together, etc. It's been a few months since then and neither one of us are really putting a ton of energy into virtual dating. We call every day, but not usually for very long or about anything substantive. Still, I feel a lot of pressure to be on these calls instead of doing what I want - which is not her fault at ALL but does illuminate that talking to her does not make me as happy as it used to. Generally, I have been feeling trapped and stuck in at time when I am already extraordinarily concerned about everything. All this to say . . . I think I would like to break up with her. I know I would like to. I think it is the best choice for me, and likely for her in the long run! There are a lot of problems - not huge or scary - but problems in our relationship that I don't think either of us really want to fix.

All this to say, I do want to break up with her. However, we are still very good friends and I care DEEPLY about her - I have not stopped loving her, just stopped feeling like this level of intensity in our relationship is a good thing. I do not want to hurt her - and I know I will. I have made very sure to keep in touch with other friends and have things going on in my life while we have been dating, but she has not. At this time, I am basically her closest friend and she has said I am "the best thing in her life." She had a similar relationship with her last GF, so this is nothing she hasn't survived before, but I know it will still really suck. So! Any tips on breaking up with someone who I truly do love and value, but just can't keep dating?

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards.
I understand break-ups can be hard, especially with someone who is also a close friend. Remember you have to put your own well-being first, so as much as you're trying to avoid hurting her (which is good and a sign you do care!), you also need to take care of your own needs and desires. My best advice is to know what you're gonna say: honesty is always the best route (and based on what you just shared, you already organized your thoughts) and just rip the bandaid off. There is a great article that might be helpful:
How can I break up without hurting my boyfriend's feelings and ending our friendship?
Here's an excerpt from it that I think applies well: "For some people, nervousness or a desire to soften the blow can result in a lot of extra apologies, explanations, and reassurances that are unlikely to be helpful in the moment, and might actually make it less clear that a breakup is what's happening. If you can keep things brief and to the point, that's probably for the best, and it might be good to spend a little bit of time planning out what you want to say beforehand so you're less likely to be tongue-tied in the moment. I think it's best to stick to something short and simple about how your feelings have changed and that while you still care about him you no longer want to be in a dating relationship. Adjust this as you need to, of course, but the fact that you need to break up is more important than the specific details of why that's what you want."

[ifthatswhatitis]

Thank you!! That article IS really helpful - and I will do my best to take your advice to heart! Thanks again!

[Sofi]

You're welcome!