Finding out if he's still interested

[simome05]

I dated this guy (pilot) from June 2014 to October 2014. We had a lot of fun together on our dates and had planned more. When he found out he was leaving for training for 3-4 weeks. We said our goodbyes and countined to chat/ flirt throughout that 3-4 week period. Then he finished training and started working immediately in Seattle. He hoped to fly back several times, during that period but we only say each other once. He came over one night and we hooked up. Which was a very difficult decision for me because I was a virgin and never felt comfortable/ safe with other guys I dated. He never pressured me, but since our second date he gave me these feelings that I never thought I would feel until I got married. But I knew I wanted to take this step with him. Then 2 days later he went back to Seattle. We continued talking/texting, then I became very annsi about things and started listening to my friends opinions about the relationship. They were commenting on me being boring and how I needed to spice things up and ask if he was my boyfriend or boy toy. Then I felt kind a like he wasn't interested anymore. So I asked him " are you still enjoying getting to know me and is that what you want to be doing?" He said hes had a great time getting to know me, but he wasnt sure with his job he would able to spend any significant time with me. So we ended things.

From the middle of Oct till Nov 20th area I struggled with the ending of the relationship. But I chose not to contact him. It was just to difficult. After talking with my best friend, she suggested to send him a text and just keep it simple. Because, you'll never know if he wanted to text you, but he felt he couldn't. So on thanksgiving I texted him.. I hope you're having a great thanksgiving and I hope all is well with you? he responded with pretty much the same response. Then I suggested we grab some coffee sometime.. Then we didn't text. On a Saturday night 12/13 at 11:45 I got a text from him saying " Are you stalking me on eharmony? Lol!!" I responded with no. My friend asked to see a pic of the guy I had a huge crush on. So I showed it to here. Then he said " Ok. Weird. Lol!" Then we texted for a bit. My feelings for him never went away. But I wanted to play it cool and if he was interested he needed to make the next move.

Then last Thursday 12/18 he texted me "whatch up to, stalker? Lol!" Then we texted for two hours with flirty conversation. then I ended the convo because I needed to go to bed, bc it was 1am and I had a 15 hr day ahead of me starting at 6:30'am. I said "ok, Mr pilot! I've got to get some sleep. Have a good flight!" he responded with see you later! Which I felt was a good sign from him, right? I asked my friend and she was excited for me and said I think it's ok to send him a text, now!

So on Sunday 12/21 I sent a text " Hey Mr. Pilot! How's your Sunday going?" I felt comfortable doing that since he texted me. So it's thursday 12/25 and still no reponse from him. What should I do? I was never able to express my true feelings for him. Because I was to nervouse. I'm still in love him and would love to see if this could work. But with no response, I don't want him to think this girl is crazy. Should I text him today 12/25 " Merry Christmas". I'm just not sure what to do. If he's not interested then why is he giving me mixed signals? I've tried dating other guys. But immediately after the date I'm in tears, because I still love him...

I just don't know what to do?

Thanks and happy holidays!!!

[Emma]

Hi, simome! This one is a toughie because relationship dynamics are often so nuanced and subjective that it's hard for us to quite comprehend what's going on in a given situation, and there aren't really any facts or statistics we can quote, but I personally relate to your situation. A few years ago, I was in a weird, undefined relationship with someone and we would text and flirt and flirt and it was all fun and nice until I realized that I had big feelings for them and wanted something more than emoji upon flirty emoji. Sometimes, though, I would text them and would get no response for hours, or days, or ever, and this would drive me into a panicked, heartbroken mode--all I could do was scroll though our past conversations and wonder if it was the "kissy face" or the "heart-eyed cat" emoji that made them ditch me. There was a lot of lying on the carpet, listening to Beatles records involved in this process. Now that I'm removed from the relationship (it turned out to be pretty horrible, unsurprisingly), I can see that the biggest problem was the fact that neither of us was willing or able to break down the "flirting fourth wall," as I call it. Basically, neither of us would do anything that's essential to developing a happy, functional relationship: ask for what we wanted or needed from the relationship, honestly evaluate how we felt towards each other, and make plans on how to best move forward with our "thing." These are important things to do because as it turns out, the person ad I wanted completely different and conflicting things from each other which lead to a brutal heartbreak and more sad Beatles listening.

If what you want from this Mr. Pilot is a committed, serious or semi-serious relationship, or at least the possibility of one (which it seems like you do, seeing as you said you "still love him"), you should break down the flirting fourth wall and tell him how you feel about him, what you want from him (i.e. I want to be called your girlfriend; I want you to respond to my texts, even if it's just to say "I'm busy now, I'll text you in a few; if those things are important to you) and then let him tell you the same. If your wishes seem cohesive, go forth and carry out your plan! If not, or if he doesn't respond to your little spiel (I'd recommend not doing this one over text unless that's the only way it can be done), your answer is clear: move on to people who are willing to be honest, vulnerable, and thoughtful with you.

Note: this applies to almost any type of relationship, even (especially) solely sexual ones--all relationships can benefit from this type of clarity, vulnerability, and care.