Break-up

[laurabriann]

Dear Scarleteen Family,

It has been quite a while since I last wrote here. I am a 23 year-old straight woman, fresh out of a two yearlong relationship. I am pretty good at coping with breakups most of the time, since this was not my first heartbreak. However, there is something that keeps me from sleeping at nights and that is the reason why I am writing this message.

In the very first few months of our relationship (first 5 months), we had a regular sexual life with my partner - we were both very passionate when it came to sex. Until I flew to Munich for a month and when I came back, at first everything seemed normal. Yet after a while, I have realized that I was the one who initiated any sexual activity AT ALL TIMES. I decided to observe this situation for a while so that I could make sure and talk directly to him right away. As nothing changed, I have talked to him about this situation and the fact that I was the only one who initiated something sexual. He assured me that he was quite stressed and that could be the reason. So I decided to be patient and supportive - and never discussed the situation for a few months. It was my birthday when I have bursted into tears as he rejected me when I wanted to initiate something - I was feeling unwanted and told him about my feelings right away. Again, he assured me that it was the fact that he was so busy with work and stressed out. So I kept my silence.

Then COVID-19 became a thing and we did not see each other for 3 months. After that, we slowly started to hang out with each other, yet this time we were not even kissing! At first, I thought it was because of the pandemic - so I did not want to insist on kissing. Also, starting from February 2020, we stopped having ANY KIND OF sexual activity.

In September 2020, I wanted to have a talk with him about the thing going on between us - because, you know, it was an "elephant in the room" kind of situation. And on that very same day, for the first time ever, he told me that he was not interested in any kind of sexual activity with ANYONE, and that he did not see sex as a "need". When I asked him if it was about his sexual orientation, he told me that he did not know the main reason however he was sure that it was the way he was and there was nothing to do about it. That day, we kept silent all day long and we both thought about this over and over again. At the end of the day, neither of us wanted to say a thing about it and we acted as everything was normal.

Between February 2020 and March 2021 (more than a year) neither did we kiss nor were involved in any other kind of sexual activity. So two weeks ago, I ended things. For the last time, I asked him once again if he was still feeling the same way about the situation and he confirmed. So we broke up.

I highly suspect that he is either asexual or homosexual, and either way, I am not here to blame him for that. I just want to clarify things inside my head because I still am feeling unwanted which continues to bring me down. I now that it was the right decision to end things... His parents are quite strict so I do not think that he could ever come off as "homosexual" directly - so I feel like he was planning to use our relationship as a cover up for his sexual orientation.
Is it normal to not be involved in ANY KIND OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY with your significant other after being sexually active for 6 months? Can someone become suddenly asexual?

Thank you in advance for your support <3

[Heather]

Hey there, Laura. It’s good to see you again, but I wish it was under different circumstances.

I’m so sorry about the dissolution of your sexual relationship, your breakup, and how you’ve felt during both. It sounds like it’s been very disorienting, confusing and lonely.

Shifts in sexual orientation, identity and other aspects of sexuality are absolutely normal, and are common human experiences. The pace or timing for these shifts or changes is as diverse as all of us are as people. I don’t see any reason to disbelieve what your ex has told you or your sense that your ex may be ace (since he has told you about not feeling a need for sex with partners, rather than sexual attraction to people of his same gender, I’m not getting any assumptions about homosexuality).

It may also be that he’s someone who feels strong sexual desire early in a relationship and then feels little to none as he settles into it. That’s not unusual for people of all kinds of sexual identities.

I also am not sure I get why you think he was using you and your relationship as a cover. That doesn’t feel, to me, like it meshes with what happened here. Is there a reason you don’t feel able to take him at his word? Either way, none of this has anything to do with your value or appeal.

[laurabriann]

Thank you for your prompt and comforting reply Heather!
In the country I live in, homosexuality is unfortunately still a taboo. With that regard, it is common for many homosexual people to feel the urge to cover up their sexual orientation - and they mostly get into a long term relationship or even a marriage, so that they do not stand out. Since his parents are quite strict and also kind of religious, homosexuality is not something they would "approve" (I know that this is not something one can approve). And therefore, I feel like the reason why he was holding onto our relationship even though he did not show so much affection to me would have something to do with this. I am still not 100% sure whether this is about his sexual orientation or not, and I believe he is not sure either; but if this is the case, I am in the position to think that he would hold on to this relationship as long as I do not end things as I did.

The last 6 months, after we had the talk, the things were quite off between us. We were not spending much time together and since I am a person who seeks some affection and intimacy within a relationship, all these have changed the way I see our relationship and I realized that I do not love him as much as I did in the very beginning.

Now I am confused more than ever and sorry for not being able to support him through his journey - since he was also a close friend of mine.

It breaks my heart into million pieces knowing that I had so much hope about this relationship and was happier than ever until this issue became a thing.

[Heather]

I can understand. I've both witnessed many relationships that started out very sexually/physically passionate fizzle out over time, and I've been in a couple of those myself. It can be very sad and painful. I also get that breakups in the middle of all this with the pandemic can feel extra awful.

I completely understand what you mean when you talk about living somewhere were homosexuality isn't accepted. But I have to say, that unless I'm missing something, from the information you've shared, it really sounds much more like it's probably just a matter of the intensity of a new relationship dying down, as it often does, and after it did, what remained there was one partner for whom continuing that part of the relationship felt very important and still wanted, and another who didn't feel that at all. A big long break in the middle because of the pandemic probably only made that flameout happen faster and more easily.

If you still want to have a friendship with this person, I bet if you give things a little time, you can circle back and see if you can't reconnect in that way. Perhaps once you're not looking to him for something he's not interested in, and you're not sad about not having that from him, it might not be so weird again between you?

[laurabriann]

Thank you for your support Heather. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that there are many people experiencing similar things out there. Sexuality is something that I seek in a relationship, since without it I fail to connect to that person to the fullest, which affects my love for them in the end. I have waited one and a half years for this issue to be solved between us, yet he did not seem to put any effort to solving it - or he could not do so.

To me, sexuality is not the most important thing when it comes to a romantic relationship. I believe that love, trust and respect for each other come first. And this was the very first thing I told him when we had the talk, that we had all these three, and that was the reason why I thought I could stay in the relationship for a little while until I make my final decision. I was never a needy girlfriend and I always respected his "space" and this was reciprocal. But in the last few months of our relationship, I felt like he did not care about our relationship anymore and other people, even the people he knew only for a few days, were more important than me. Just to give you an example, a couple of times I have asked him to stay over so that we can work together since we were both working from home lately - and he told me that he was not comfortable with working at somewhere other than his home and that his parents would not let him go outside during work hours (yes, his parents are really strict although he is 24! He needs his parents' approval literally for anything...) - and I have respected his decision and preference and did not insist. Yet, just a few days later, he went to a girl's house who he is not that close with, during work hours and stayed the night. With this, I realized that it was not only the sexuality that was off between us, but also the love and the respect we had for each other.

So, I am really happy with the decision I made and sure that I will be fine. I want to be fine. And I want to be in a relationship, where I am respected and loved. I am quite hopeless about finding the right person at the moment, since I need to take this time to fully heal, because my last relationship was somehow affected the way I see myself - both psychically and mentally. Yes, the pandemic probably makes it a lot worse for everyone going through similar things. All I want is to be happy again and find the one who is better for me. I am a romantic and emotional person after all

[Heather]

You're welcome.

I absolutely think you made the right choice here. This relationship was not meeting your needs, you knew that, and you also knew it was not going to meet those needs. You're so clear on what you want and need -- that's so great, especially given how young you are, goodness, what I would have done to be that clear at 23! -- and you're trying to find what that is. Not letting yourself get stuck in relationships that aren't going to deliver for you, that are dead-ends for you is such a healthy move: always the right move, if you ask me.

I'm really sorry that you got stuck in this for the amount of time that you did (I got stuck in my last painful relationship for almost a decade, so oh boy, do I feel you), and I'm sorry that this still hurts so badly. I also get *feeling* hopeless right now, but I don't think your situation is actually hopeless. Particularly since you so clearly know what you need and want, I feel really confident you're going to find it in time. <3

[laurabriann]

Thank you very much for all the support and help, Heather! Believe me when I say, I am feeling much better now than I did just a few hours ago. It feels really nice to be back on Scarleteen <3

[Heather]

I’m so glad. Please feel free to spend as much time here as you like: I’m so glad we can be here for you!

I haven’t kelp up with how it’s been with the pandemic in Turkey. As bad as here in the states, or...?

[laurabriann]

Heather, my apologies for the late reply!
It gets worse and worse every single day here in Turkey - and now I am waiting for my COVID test results, unfortunately I hope everything gets better over time (fingers crossed)

And here is a little update about the break-up stuff: I am feeling much better than I did a week before. I sometimes feel a little panicky and hopeless about the near future - yet I am still aware of the fact that this happened for a reason. Hopefully, I can be truly happy by myself because, you know, without becoming one person as a whole, I cannot find any long term happiness within a relationship. So, this time, I really want to take things a little slower and just enjoy being single. I still have my final exams to study for, otherwise I won't be able to graduate

[Mo]

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better! Taking that time to enjoy your own company for a bit sounds like a wonderful plan. I hope your exams go well!