Another Ex and a lot of mixed emotions

[BuddyBoi21]

So my now very new ex and I broke up. I broke up with them because our circumstances became far too much for me. Between their parents being racist and anti-LGBTQ+ and living over an hour away with different work schedules that drove us further and further apart I finally said I couldn't do it anymore.

I feel like I'd been holding this in for over 2 months. I also did something that went against this person's trust (some would call it "micro-cheating") but they didn't consider my actions cheating and forgave me. I feel like I'm no better than some of their exes and that they were nice to me about what happened because I didn't abuse them and I at least told them. I just feel like I was being very weak for not breaking up with this person sooner.

On the opposite, end I know I'll keep wondering what would happen if I decided to wait it out. Like would things have ever gotten better?

On another note a big red flag as to why I felt I needed to leave this person is that I realized our circumstances were identical to that of mine and a past ex. I also feel like my ex before this most recent relationship turned some language into something triggering maybe? Everytime a partner asks "Are you breaking up with me?" now my first instinct is to say no because I almost instantly feel some air of guilt around it and think I should just "try harder" or be nicer about it than just plainly saying no because it feels so harsh. With my now new ex, I felt like they were trying very hard whereas I stopped putting in effort when physical intimacy (my primary love language) went out the window. I feel like I could've put in more effort like I did in that other relationship at 19 but as I get older I'm learning I can't do the same things like I used to.

I'm thinking about staying single for a long time, even after the pandemic ends (if it ever actually ends). I feel like I've made the same mistakes over the last few years but if I do decide to explore past being single, I know I only want sex.

I just feel so many mixed emotions right now. And to top it all off I'm single during a pandemic.

How do I manage being single for a while?
And if I decide not to follow through with it, how do I tell people gently that I'm only interested in sex?

[Sofi]

Hi BuddyBoi21!
I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, I know it had been something floating in the back of your mind for a bit but it was hard to make that final decision. My opinion is always that if a relationship doesn't feel all the way 'right', and you're having lots of doubts about it, it's not right and you should listen to your gut. So, in this case, you did the right thing. Also, don't beat yourself up about the "micro-cheating". They forgave you, and what's done is done; next time you're in a monogamous situation, you know to avoid this behavior since it will only make you feel guilty. But we can't change the past, only learn from it.

As for your question, this is going to be at times challenging but mostly you will learn a lot about yourself and your needs, wants, etc. Staying single can mean different things, as you mentioned, you might eventually want casual sex but no committed relationships. Be upfront and honest about that with potential partners, and if they are mature enough they will understand and either accept or decline based on their needs. You know, I spent many years single by choice when I was in my early 20s, and I wouldn't change a thing! It taught me that I deserve a healthy, rewarding relationship and wouldn't settle for less. Being single might be lonely at times, but you can rely on your friends, chosen family, and other supportive networks, as well as finding a new hobby or spending more time on an old one!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sofi,

Thank you for your response!
It's been tough to reach out to friends and chosen family given the pandemic keeping everyone separated. I've also decided to take a break from social media for a while. As for managing my feelings, the loneliness is the hardest part. I remember before this most recent relationship that when I was trying to enjoy my time being single I still found a sense of loneliness that was attached to the lack of intimacy with a romantic partner.

It went as far as once I stopped distracting myself and I acknowledged those feelings that I completely broke down in tears into the arms of a supportive friend. I had no idea what to do with these feelings and I'm scared of not knowing what to do with them now if they come up again.

I keep my standards for relationships high but it seems like everytime something comes up that makes things much harder than they need to be. I aim to be more firm on my boundaries but I also know that I miss having sex a lot and masturbation only goes so far.

Does this all make more sense?
Any tips on how I can manage those feelings properly instead of inadvertently suppressing them?

[Sofi]

This definitely makes sense. It's normal for people to want to be single yet feel lonely, and miss things such as physical intimacy, both romantic and sexual. You know it's good not to suppress them, but it's also not good to act on them. Coping mechanisms (healthy ones) are important to keep under your belt. I remember you were seeing a therapist, are you still seeing them? And if so, do you think they could help you work out some coping skills for when you're feeling extra lonely?

[BuddyBoi21]

Well Sofi, I do have some healthy coping skills. Last time I was playing guitar everytime I felt those sad feelings coming up, working out, seeing my friends when I could and putting myself into my work.

I ended up not having an outlet for these feelings and if I did it could only do so much. My old therapist quit a few months ago. My new therapist specializes in family/family trauma; it's still beneficial given my grieving process with my dad but I don't think they'll have much to say about this. (I'll still bring it up though)

I went on an impulse and redownloaded some apps but am setting a hard boundary on what I want instead of drifting around doing whatever without any sort of regard of my own comfort. When I really think it over hooking up was never really my problem. It was being unclear and failing to be honest with my intentions and needs with myself.

I want to make sure I don't fall back into extremism with my decisions. I also don't want to make the mistake of "ending up" in another relationship or trying to fight what feels like everything in the world to be with someone.

The pandemic makes it easier for me to stay truly single and stave off any hookups for a bit.

Does this make sense? Does this sound like a more solid(ish) approach to everything? (Also I am taking time to grieve the relationship even though it does overall feel a bit less stressful to worry about.)

[Marisha]

Hi BuddyBoi,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had to go through all this, on top of the pandemic!! Quarantine has kept many of us away from our regular coping mechanisms, I'm sure. I hope that you've been able to connect with friends virtually, or been able to incorporate them into your bubble for the time being.

On another note a big red flag as to why I felt I needed to leave this person is that I realized our circumstances were identical to that of mine and a past ex. I also feel like my ex before this most recent relationship turned some language into something triggering maybe? Everytime a partner asks "Are you breaking up with me?" now my first instinct is to say no because I almost instantly feel some air of guilt around it and think I should just "try harder" or be nicer about it than just plainly saying no because it feels so harsh. With my now new ex, I felt like they were trying very hard whereas I stopped putting in effort when physical intimacy (my primary love language) went out the window. I feel like I could've put in more effort like I did in that other relationship at 19 but as I get older I'm learning I can't do the same things like I used to.

I totally get that. I too have prolonged friendships or toxic behaviors within my relationships because it was easier to go along with the other person rather than confronting how I felt. I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation.

am setting a hard boundary on what I want instead of drifting around doing whatever without any sort of regard of my own comfort. When I really think it over hooking up was never really my problem. It was being unclear and failing to be honest with my intentions and needs with myself.

I want to make sure I don't fall back into extremism with my decisions. I also don't want to make the mistake of "ending up" in another relationship or trying to fight what feels like everything in the world to be with someone

It sounds like you're doing some really important work with yourself! What do you mean by extremism? And, if you don't mind me asking, why is it that you feel like you "end up" in relationships? Not in a victim-blame-y way; I want to continue this conversation about your approach to and habits within relationships, but don't get me wrong. The situation(s) you were in before sounds manipulative and didn't seem good for you.

Setting boundaries in this way sounds like a good idea for sure, and I also get wanting to tend to your need to grieve while also being mindful of your need for intimacy. We have resources on the site about recovering from bad relationships and how to navigate healthy ones that affirm these same ideas. I'll suggest one here, but I invite you to come back to the boards or search the relationships tag if you want to continue talking these things through.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Marisha,
When I say extremism, in the past I would alternate between trying really hard to hookup at any given chance as though it were a personality trait or I would be too anxious about any sort of remote attraction to anyone and would avoid it at all costs.

I feel like I sometimes end up in relationships because I've had a "what could possibly go wrong" or "I can handle this" mindset when I know my top priority is sex/hooking up/FWBs. The people I meet are genuinely kind and compatible but ultimately better off as friends. But because of how the ex with the same situation as this most recent one went, I felt there was no point in having set standards or a "dating plan". From that point on I felt that dating is so complex that it feels moot to try and do it in such a formulaic way. So I don't really know exactly what I can say I like because I feel like I'll never find it or it's unrealistic.

The ex I think you're talking about or the one I feel is the manipulator was my ex before this most recent one. She had BPD, I remember numerous times when I had no intention of leaving that she would use that phrase and start to cry if I would say not as major things would happen. She would also chalk up any of my concerns over our relationship's future and our differences to undiagnosed anxiety and talk me down and I would continue to stay. When I told my old therapist they described her behaviors as desperation. Which don't get me wrong I think that she was very desperate to keep me there but I think it came at the expense of myself and my own perception of my decision making skills.

This most recent ex has clarified before they want me to be honest with them but I occasionally feel like they didn't say it enough for my liking and I fell back into that habit from the relationship before ours. That same feeling where I felt guilty and that if I didn't try to console this person or keep my mania/anxiety under control that it would ruin the relationship even though it was gradually making me more and more unhappy.

The biggest difference between my now most recent ex and the ex that probably manipulated me is that the recent one has told me before that they can get along fine without me but it'll still hurt. The other constantly talked about how she didn't want me to leave her and even wanted to move in at 6 months and stay together and even felt comfortable with the concept of getting married even though we didn't know each other long.

I hope this makes more sense and we can better pinpoint what ex may have been the most unhealthy for me.

[Mo]

It sounds like this most recent ex wasn't being as manipulative as the earlier ex was, but that some of the ways they communicated wound up being stressful or hurtful to you. Someone doesn't always have to be acting in bad faith to be incompatible; I think that can be a very painful thing to learn about a relationship, but sometimes people who care about each other just aren't compatible in some ways that make a relationship very difficult to maintain.

In terms of how to approach new relationships, whenever you feel ready to seek any out, I think the best thing you can do is to be as upfront as possible about what you're looking for from the very beginning and hope that any potential partner is willing to be equally open about their own needs and preferences. If you and a potential partner have very different goals in mind for a relationship (such as them wanting something romantic/committed when you want a FWB situation), it may be best to pass on starting a relationship even if you're compatible in other ways.

[Marisha]

I felt there was no point in having set standards or a "dating plan"

What was the plan/"formulaic way"?

I don't really know exactly what I can say I like because I feel like I'll never find it or it's unrealistic

What is that "unrealistic" want? I should say, it's completely fine for you to just want to keep your connections casual, and you have free reign to say that to your prospective partners. To reaffirm what Mo said: it's just a matter of saying it, and the other person being okay with it. If they're not - if each of your needs are totally incompatible - you can and should move on. A relationship is a thing that you choose to be in because you want to. It is a totally optional part of life.

I hope this makes more sense and we can better pinpoint what ex may have been the most unhealthy for me.

If that's what we're doing here, I would say that both relationships were unhealthy because it wasn't what you wanted. This isn't a competition, we're just naming the trend.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

I will agree on my most recent ex probably saying harmful things that even I didn't realize was harmful until afterward. However, I disagree that this most recent ex wasn't manipulative at all but the one before them was.

As for the section on incompatibility, I'm very aware of that and accepted it after the other ex with similar circumstances to this one. I understand it but I still feel like garbage regardless which sucks. Does this make sense?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Marisha,

When I was in my teens, I felt dating was supposed to be; you're friends first to get to know the person then date them with the intent to marry them. The very old fashioned, heteronormative bs. As I've gotten older I've learned most people don't do that it seems and once I started actually getting off during and started incorporating sex into my relationship decisions it feels like everything has been made more difficult.

I want a sexually and emotionally satisfying romantic relationship but it seems like based off of my experiences that I'm only allowed to have one or the other but never both with the same singular person.

With all of that being said are there any articles here or anywhere on how I can cope with romantic loneliness?

[Sofi]

There are a few articles or advice columns that have helpful info; none are specifically only about romantic loneliness, but they touch on that subject.
This one was written by Mo: Are relationships really as complicated as people make them out to be?
This one is about being a lesbian and lonely, but it can still apply: How do I cope with being a lesbian and single?
And the following two articles I think have very helpful stuff in them!
How To Actually Date Yourself
Being Single During Lockdown: A Surprisingly Empowering Experience

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey just wanted to update.
As I'm typing this I'm crying because I recieved my hoodie back from my ex and my anniversary gift. I realize I still call them my partner when I talk about them to others sometimes. I have my appetite back but have been going hours without eating to the point where I feel sick. I can't stay asleep at night, I feel lonely to some extent if I'm not texting potential FWBs or going out to local music shows. I've been hyper fixated on music and avoiding my homework to cope.

Right in this moment (along with a couple of other moments) I feel as though I made a mistake or currently wish I had said no from the start so I didn't put either one of us through this.

I'm supposed to meet someone who is open to a FWB situation this weekend but I feel that resurfacing guilt even though this isn't even a date, I'm just trying to get laid. I just feel awful and to an extent that sexual shame for letting sex and physical needs "break me".

How do I cope with this guilt? Also can anyone help explain to me why I feel to some extent that I'm not allowed to go out and have fun with other people sexually?

[Carly]

Hey BuddyBoi21 -- I'm so impressed with how honest and vulnerable you've been in this thread.

It sounds like you are having a super rough time right now. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having some difficulty eating, sleeping, and feeling lonely. You mentioned before that at one point you were talking to a therapist -- are you still in touch? Are you still able to see them? When I went through a break up around this time last year, I was also having trouble with all the same stuff you are - I even got hyper-fixated on a hobby and started to avoid working, too. My own therapist pointed out that I was experiencing grief over the loss of the relationship. I know you said that this therapist had a family focus but I think they could still have a lot to say, especially about experiencing guilt. Did you ever end up bringing this situation up to them?

You probably feel guilty about going out and seeking out sex because you still feel emotionally tied to the person you were with - you seem to think about what happened a lot, and you mentioned accidently referring to them as your partner. Guilt is a hard emotion because it make make you second guess yourself, especially if someone else is also feeling pretty bad. What works to cope with guilt can also be different from person to person, which is why I think it may be good to speak to a therapist you've talked to before if it's possible.

As for meeting with another person interested in FWB this weekend, it might be nice to connect with someone, especially since it's not really date and you've been feeling pretty lonely. If you're unable to have fun or talk to the person without feeling bad, you can always leave. Would you feel comfortable and confident explaining how you're feeling to this person if you need to leave?

I just feel awful and to an extent that sexual shame for letting sex and physical needs "break me".

Do you feel comfortable explaining this a little more? What do you mean when you say it "breaks" you?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Carly,

I am still seeing my therapist. Unfortunately we have to reschedule my next appointment and because I don't know what my work schedule will look like I don't know when I'll see her again. I did already mention to her my break up and how I felt guilty for "moving on too fast" when I'm simply looking for sex. She handled it well reminding me there's no time limit on grief so it made me feel better about want to go out with others and temporarily not feeling hurt over the break up anymore. I still plan to talk to her about it more.

I feel like the person I'm meeting up with would be able to understand if I simply explained I'm still getting over a breakup.

As for that last part, when I say "break me" I feel like I should've been able to resist sex for love. I feel as though lust overpowered my other emotions and I just dumped this person because I wasn't having enough sex or satisfying sex. It feels stupid and weak willed and quite possibly one of the top reasons I won't ever find (a) long term partner(s). I know all of what I've mentioned in this last part is pretty illogical but it's how I feel alongside that guilt. It also doesn't help that deep down I compared this relationship to a sexless marriage and questioned if I loved this person but I feel like I was in a lot of pain but was still willing to stay. What do y'all think of this part?

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

I'm glad you and your therapist have touched on this, even though it sounds like scheduling sessions with her has been tricky. That's a great step in taking care of yourself.

I'm a pretty firm believer in the idea that lust isn't just the less complex, less important cousin of love; sexual desire is often tied up with a lot of emotional components, and can be an important part of relationships for some people. Sexual compatibility is something that can play a big role in whether or not a relationship is sustainable over time. That's not to say that partners with varied sex drives can't or don't have happy, healthy relationships; odds are most of us will have times when there's a mismatch between our level of desire and that of our partner. But if the mismatch is big and one where there isn't a lot (or any) room for compromise, then that relationship may not be sustainable.

In your case, it may help to remind yourself that there are lots of potential partners out there, including ones with whom you're more sexually compatible. Too, I want to hone in on your comment that you were in a lot of pain but were willing to stay with your ex. That kind of choice is, in many places, presented as the "right" or loving one because we're putting our partner or the relationship ahead of everything, including our own happiness. But the truth is, in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both people involved have to be happy in it. I'd also say that our partners can tell when we're not happy in a relationship but are staying because we feel like we should, and that leads to everyone in the relationship feeling like crud. So, ending a relationship where you're unhappy can be the most loving choice for both you and your partner. Does that make sense?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

I'll admit it'll be rough to remind myself of the potential partners out there when it feels like they're hard to find and even harder to make that connection with.

Also what you said does make sense.

Also I want to give a quick update on the person I met up with. They seem nice but I have a strong feeling any sort of physical, sexual interaction won't be happening between us any time soon (if at all). It feels discouraging and how I and my ex were both right about this happening. I'll keep reading the articles that were left for me and hopefully get my mind away from these feelings for awhile.

[Sam W]

I think continuing to read and work with your therapist when possible around unlearning the thought patterns that contribute to you feeling like you won't ever find a partner is a sound idea.

Is there anything else we can help you with around this right now?

[BuddyBoi21]

I wouldn't say I feel like I won't ever find a partner but I do feel like it'll be very difficult to find FWBs/longer term hookups.

Is there any way to socially gauge if a person is interested in a friendship rather than sex and vice versa? Preferably without having to outright ask? It feels like the moment it's verbalized people are put off by well me entirely and seem to not want to interact anymore. I know there's only so much I can do and I can't control others' actions but I can't help feeling like it's my fault I struggle to make new friends deliberately or that I'm dense to people taking sexual interest in me. I hope this makes sense.

[Sam W]

It's tricky, because gauging whether a person is interested in friendship rather than sex usually involves explicit communication at some point. That being said, if you haven't already read it, this article offers some general advice for spotting signs that someone is interested in you romantically or sexually: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disa ... is_into_me.

Do you think it would help to split the platforms or contexts you use to meet people into distinct categories of "for sex" and "for non-sexual friendship?" That could involve using things like apps or sites that let you specify you're interested in something sexual, or going to social events where you decide ahead of time you're just going to make friends.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

I've been kind of doing that but it feels like it usually still leaves me in the same spot. Especially since there are quite a few people who use certain apps meant for dating to find friends. As for events, I feel like it's even more difficult because then I have to figure out how to approach someone of interest without coming off as threatening or weird. It all just adds on to my anxiety even more so more and more I find myself masturbating and using porn A LOT in order to cope.

I'll be honest I feel it's getting into an area where it's effecting how I see people negatively. Also more often than not it feels like it's becoming compulsive rather than I'm actually horny and need "relief". Does this all make sense? The second part I'll try to go over with my therapist the next time I see her (whenever that is).

[Siân]

Hi Buddyboi,

I'm confident that you've made the right decision in breaking up with your ex, but it's still a lot to grieve - I'm sorry. I honestly feel like you need to give yourself permission to feel like crap and just do the basics required to keep yourself healthy and your life ticking over for a while. Being single can be GREAT, but we don't jump straight from losing a relationship that we cherished into embracing everything that single life has to offer at the flick of a switch. First we break down, then we build back up.

I'll be honest I feel it's getting into an area where it's effecting how I see people negatively. Also more often than not it feels like it's becoming compulsive rather than I'm actually horny and need "relief".

It sounds like you're seeking sexual connections from a place of hurt, rather than of pleasure, and that's just a recipe for shitty experiences for everyone quite frankly. Does that sound right to you? I'm not going to sit here and set arbitrary limits on what you should be doing and with who right now, but I do recommend that you create some kind of check-in for yourself about what's motivating you in a given moment. For example, I have a deal with myself where I only date or look for hook-ups when it is motivated by fun - not loneliness, horniness or boredom, and not because of some abstract idea of what I should be doing or what it "could" be. This exact thing, right in front of me, does it feel good? Am I joyful? If the answer is no, then it's time to figure out what the underlying need is and meet it elsewhere, or just sit with the feeling for a bit. Perhaps you can come up with a check-in question for yourself?

This article has a couple of great reflections on the pain of breaking up with someone: Dear Dana: After You Break Up With Someone, How Do You Move On?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Siân,

I wouldn't say I don't give myself permission to be sad, I just don't want to be sad. I was the one who was unhappy and while yes I understand I'll still grieve the relationship I also still find it pointless to sit and feel bad when I can finally go and out and get one of my needs met. Even if I occassionally find the need itself or the process to fulfill it burdensome it's still something I can control.

As for the second part, I feel like simply masturbating comes from a place of hurt. When seeking a sexual partner, I want sexual pleasure that masturbation doesn't seem to give me. This most recent ex was sweet but our sex life for me was quite frankly awful. When I would finally start getting more comfortable with focusing on myself during sex my ex would start crying due to a trigger regarding one of their exes who assaulted them, they weren't comfortable with trying something I wanted (I don't hold this against them but it's not like it helped) or they became tired right when I was starting to get off. I felt a huge disconnect and sought out sexual attention from elsewhere. And I established before this most recent ex didn't want to go to therapy so to put it bluntly I felt like I was in some sort of "sexless marriage". I felt awful and unhappy and now that I'm "free" I'm still unhappy? It feels exceedingly unfair and like I can't win (be happy for even a moment) no matter how hard I try.

I'll admit I'm not 100% seeking pleasure every time I'm looking for sex but I do miss and proactively want to orgasm with a partner like I used to with one of my exes where my sex life was the most enjoyable. The process just sucks and porn is easier even though it feels like I'm judging people's bodies more because of it.

I hope this makes more sense. Thank you for the article btw!

[Carly]

Hey BuddyBoi! Just catching up on your thread since I last chimed in. I totally get what you're saying about feeling like you can't win with this - like I said before, I was in a similar situation not too long ago. I realized that the more I tried to get back out there, the more pressure I felt from myself to get over my break-up, which made me feel even worse. I realize this might not be the solution that will make you feel better the quickest, but -- what helped me was taking a good chunk away from dating/pursuing sex and concentrating on myself so I could get back on track with my emotional health. I think your emotional difficulty with getting back out there might come from you not being ready to, as much as you want to be. I feel like intentionally letting some time pass might be helpful to you too. Does that resonate with you at all? I know it seems counterproductive, but this approach made a huge difference for me.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Carly,

I guess so? The thing is I want to keep from wallowing in a way where I just focus on being sad to the point where I end up not doing anything proactive or simply just never get over it in a way where I can healthily pursue new relationships of any kind. Like I don't want to sit around being sad while is going on without me, sexual pursuits included or not.

Also again I'm focused on sex, not a relationship and while it's stressful at times I feel I'm at least being more committed to my boundaries instead of acting out of desperation. Also I'm not sure if this is the healthiest thought but the first thing I think of when focusing on myself is going back on a medication I wasn't entirely happy with and hyper fixating on the fitness. With this medication, it's allegedly supposed to help with irritability in autistic children. For me it was beneficial because it jump started my appetite and I was able to bulk up like I had always wanted to when I started focusing in on fitness. So I was a lot happier with my physical body. The drawback was that it shot my libido and seemed to "numb out" my other emotions which did include the irritability. I didn't feel like a zombie per say but I found it problematic to be unable to cry 9 times out of 10 and found pretty mich zero interest in sex which gave me some issues with sleep since that's usually what I did before bed to help me sleep.

So to an extent I resonate with what you said but it also just feels even more frustrating (hence why I'm reconsidering this medication again). I hope this makes sense.