Scarleteen

Hi I’m a virgin and I want to have sex. I know the more traditional/safe way to do this would be to enter a relationship and build towards it with communication. However, I don’t really want a romantic relationship at this point in my life but I still want to have sex. I thought about asking my friends (who are also virgins) but i fear I may ruin these relationships over because I don’t want a committed relationship. Do you guys have any ideas about a safe way to go about finding casual sex as a virgin?

Hi Kt15,

This article is a really good starting point, as it goes over how to navigate casual: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex. It can also help to think about what you're hoping will happen as a result of casual sex; is it that you feel ready and excited to start exploring your sexuality with another person? That you feel like sex is something you "should" have done by now and you want to get it over with? Something else entirely?

Ah I read that article it has some good things think about. I’m mostly just interested because I’ll be honest lol I’m just horny?? I don’t feel like I’m in a particular rush, but it’s I’d like to start opening myself to sex so it’s something I can engage in it more regularly and comfortably.

That's totally okay! And I'm glad you feel like you can take your time (especially since the pandemic means that casual sex or dating can be extra tricky).

If you're interested, these articles can also be really helpful when it comes to navigating partnered sex and figuring what you (and are not) ready for or interested in.
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

I feel I’ve got a good idea what I’m looking for I just don’t know how to find it at this point. Do you have any ideas on this? Or should I look for resources about this else where?

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking for exactly! Can you be a little more clear about what it is you want resources for? What's the "this" that what folks have provided resources for so far haven't addressed?

Sorry if I was unclear! I’m not really sure how to go about finding casual sex as a virgin. I think my intentions aren’t coming from an unhealthy place and I have a good idea of how I want to be treated and I intend to treat my partner with respect and communicate with them. Like how do I go out and meet people or find people willing to engage in this type of relationship? This what I’m inexperienced in.

The question of where/how to find a partner can be tough to answer; so much of the process of finding partners (whether someone is looking for one-time casual sex, ongoing casual sexual relationships, or long-term romantic relationships) is going to come down to the luck of running into someone with whom you have a mutual attraction and similar desires when it comes to sex and relationships.

Right now, since it's not safe to socialize in person with new people, finding partners is a little extra tricky, but hopefully that will change soon. If you're interested in using dating apps or websites at all, a convenient aspect of those is that you can put what you're looking for right in your profile, to increase the chance that people responding will already be aware of what you want.

In terms of talking to friends about this, I don't think asking "would you be interested in exploring casual sex?" is necessarily going to negatively impact a friendship if they aren't interested, but it is a conversation to handle with care; if there are specific people you think you'd like to ask about this, we could certainly talk about how you might go about it.

Thank you! I think dating apps feel like a safe place to start for me. I just wasn’t sure if that was a good platform given how random apps like tinder can be. In terms of friends, yeah I don’t even know how to begin that conversation. It seems very intimidating to me. For now I’ll start with dating apps and see how it goes. Thank you for your help again!

I'm glad apps sound like a good place to start! Apps can definitely be a mixed bag, and it's hard to know what to expect beforehand, but I do think they are a good choice to start with. If you have any further questions or thoughts about any of this, feel free to let us know!