Feeling guilty

[flores2231]

Hey scarleteen,

I recently learned about COSCA (child on child sexual abuse). I feel horrible because I don't know if I did this with my friend when I was 6 years old and she was 3 or 4 years old. I remember a girl telling me at school that she saw on the TV, two people kissing each other's genitals. I remember afterwards being curious to try it with my friend and so we did. I don't remember if i pressured her into doing it. But i do remember we just quickly kissed each other's genitals and never did anything afterwards again. I am older now and i feel so guilty by what i did. i don't remember if i told my friend afterwards to not tell her mom but i feel so guilty. i confronted her about it recently and she told me she doesn't feel violated or doesn't really remember and she said that it's okay because i was really young and didn't understand what i was doing. i do remember not having any bad intentions. i just feel horrible. i feel like an abuser.

[Elise]

Hi flores2231, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling about yourself in this way.

Firstly, please rest assured that the situation you're describing does not fit the definition of child-on -child sexual abuse; firstly, the situation you describe is a normal one among children this age, they get curious about something and try it, anatomical curiosity and exploration is very common. What your friend said is important too, that she does not have any feelings of violation from it, just that neither of you knew what you were doing, being curious like children can be. The definition of abuse is very different to this, it has intent, rather than curiosity behind it and involves one child making the other do the action, to achieve an end result, see how this is different from a child's natural curiosity?

How does the above explanation sit with you? Would you like to talk about how you ended up on this train of thought? I know you've been having some conversations about consent and coercion recently, as LuC said in her other post, the important thing to do is to educate ourselves on what good communication and consent looks like, particularly when it comes to sex. Here are some good articles about that:

• Quickies: Sexual Consent Basics (LuC linked to this before, it links off to a great list of further articles)
• river's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

If the above prompts any further questions or thoughts you'd like to talk about, we'd be very happy to discuss them with you here.

[flores2231]

Thank you for your response,

I just feel guilty because in the friendship I was usually the one who was bossy because I was the oldest. I feel horrible because I would be always so mean and bossy to her. Not only that I think I may have guided her to do that sexual curious stuff with me. It makes me feel glad that I now realize for it to be abuse there's gotta be intent and I was only 6 years old. I just kept overthinking about it because I heard stories online how people have been abused by children while they were children and I felt so guilty and so bad because I felt like a perpetrator. Thank you for the links and for your help

[Sam W]

Hi flores2231,

I'm glad the links were helpful! In addition to what Elise said, I want to mention that another thing that often differentiates normal exploration and curiosity from sexual abuse is the instigator being much older and bigger (and usually at a different developmental level) than the survivor. In other words, the perpetrator has something that gives them power. Even if you feel you were the bossy one in the friendship, and you were a year or two older, that's very different from using your age or size to coerce her into doing something you understood was sexual and she did not (since it sounds like you two were just curious). Does that make sense?

[flores2231]

I feel much more relieved now,

Thank you so much Scarleteen staff. These past few weeks have been stressful. Thanks for helping me out so much. My anxiety is always trying to find something new to freak out about. But seriously, I appreciate everything you all do thank you again

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm so glad we were able to help!

[tink]

when i was younger, i touch one of my little cousin, they were 3-5 and i was 7-9 i cant really remember, but i remember humping them (as a female) and pull their pants down, i didnt force or hurt them or be rough, but im pretty sure i knew what i was doing (i didnt know how bad and important it was at the time) and i recently found out about cocsa and i really feel guilty. i used to be suicidal because of this poor guilt and what i did to them. im older now and is just need answers for what i did🫤

[Latha]

Hi there, tink- welcome to the boards!

I can see that this is making you feel really awful- I hope that reading this thread can give you some comfort. As Sam and Elise explained above, there is a difference between a child sexually abusing another, and children being curious about their or other's bodies and different sensations. The latter is quite common and normal. You were very young, you did not understand the implications of what you were doing, and you were not trying to hurt or force your cousin. This is very different from abuse, which often involves some degree of coercion and force, as well as a significant gap in age and knowledge. What happened when you were young was not abuse.

Does reading the explanations given in this thread ease your worries? (If you'd like to chat about this more, you could make a new thread)

[tink]

okay thank you so much, that really helped. i just needed reassurance.

[Latha]

I'm glad it helped!

[mayanna]

I feel so guilty like I can’t live anymore. I used to touch my cousins when I was around 8/9 my other two cousins were older than me and one was two years younger than me.I remember i initiated it but I’m pretty sure none of them told me to stop or was hurt by me. We touched each other and gave each other massages a couple of times, but stopped because we realized it was wrong. I still know what I did was wrong but I can’t live with the fact if this is considered abused.I want to know if this is considered curiosity and inn
Inappropriate touching or sexual assault. can’t live with myself if I abused someone. My stepdad sexually abused my sister and if I were to ever be like him I would hang myself. Please tell me the truth.

[Heather]

Hi there, mayanna. I'm really glad you've found us.

Before anything else, any kind of suicidal ideation -- feeling like you can't live anymore, and saying you wound hang yourself -- isn't something we can help you with here. We just don't have the resources and this just isn't the right space, a semi-public space like this. So I do need to ask that you first seek out any help you need with that, first and foremost. We can only help you if you're alive and stay alive. In the United States, there are some good phone and online resources to help with this. I suggest the 988 Lifeline -- just call 988, like you might call 911 -- or the Crisis TextLine (text HOME to 741741).

While you do that, I want to make sure you know that children exploring each other's bodies is very normal behavior in child development and is most often not abuse, anything done with any intent to harm, control or malice. Children often do the kind of thing you're describing with each other for the same reasons it sounded like you did: to explore touch but also to feel out where their boundaries are.

This is something you could talk with your cousins about sometimes to check in with how they are feeling: sometime just not knowing for sure something was okay with everyone can really eat away at a person. But the thing is, abusing someone is something that tends to involve an intent to control or harm them and an abuse of power. This doesn't sound anything like that. This sounds like kids exploring their bodies and touch, a common thing in typical human sexual development. Please give yourself grace. <3

[Emu456]

Recently I remembered a memory from when I was a child and I have been consumed with extreme guilt every day since.

I think I was around 9 years old (was definitely no older than 11) me and my cousin (3 years younger) used to spend a lot of time with eachother growing up and we played a game where we would pretend to kiss eachother and kiss eachothers upper bodies. There was no force or coercion, and we both asked to play the game on a few different occasions, but being the older child I think I must have introduced it. I'm not sure how many times we played it, but the last memory I have is them asking me to play it and me saying no, I'm not sure if that's because by that age I realised it was wrong.

We are now both adults and I am so concerned that this has caused a lasting impact on my cousin but I don't know if they remember it and don't want to risk asking them about it and traumatise them if they don't remember. We still have a good relationship but only see eachother at large family events.

Is this normal childhood experimentation? Thank you for any advice in advance I really appreciate it

[Sam W]

Hi Emu456,

It sounds like remembering this is making you feel really guilty, but from what you're describing it sounds much closer to the kind of experimentation that's common in young children. It also sounds like it was done out of curiosity or a sense of play, rather than out of a desire to harm or control; in other words, it doesn't have one of the defining features of abuse.

Reading that, and the other comments myself and other staff/volunteers have made in this thread about similar situations, how do you feel?

[Emu456]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for your reply, there was definitely no desire to harm or control, and I don't remember either of us being uncomfortable at the time. I'm just concerned that the 3 year age gap may equal a power dynamic.
I have spoken to a therapist about it today and they said that it is more like play rather than abuse, but I'm still struggling to not feel so guilty about it

[Sam W]

When we're thinking about power dynamics in situations like this, often one of the things that happens in abusive dynamics is the perpetrator is much older and bigger, and often at a different developmental stage, than the survivor. In other words, the perpetrator is explicitly using their being older or bigger to force or coerce the survivor into the activity, which doesn't sound like it was the case here, even if there was a gap of a few years between you two. Does that kind of make sense?

[Emu456]

Yes that does make sense, thank you. I think I just have trouble taking that on board. I'm worried the only way for myself to move on from it is to speak to my cousin. But like I said I wouldn't want to upset him or bring it up if he has forgotten it

[Sam W]

I'm glad it made sense!

I think there are a few different options here. One would be to work with your therapist to see if there are other ways you two can come up with to help you let this guilt go. Another would be to work with your therapist to come up with a way to talk with your cousin about this. If you decide to go that second route, we could also help you brainstorm if and how to have that conversation, if that would be useful to you.

[Kiara]

Even writing this I feel I am shutting down out of shame but I feel like I have to own up to this. I understand I may have done something very awful but please just try not to be so harsh with any replies. If this is in the wrong place please let me know and I will delete this

When I was younger, this girl came over maybe a handful of times where I used to have to teach her some basic things for school. It wasn’t for very long.
Just once, I told her to play a game where we copied a sexual pose. No clothes were off and it was very short, there no sexual gratification. There was no grinding or rubbing, it literally was just putting our bodies together and moving away again. but I also asked her to kiss my neck. I remember I didn’t like this feeling so I stopped it. At the time, I didn’t think what I was doing was bad. I wasn’t trying to abuse her. That wasn’t the goal. I was copying things I saw or was shown. It only happened once. But did I abuse her? Am I an abuser? I thought these things were normal because of the childhood sexual abuse I went though by a family member who was 9 years older than me. My older cousin was abused by this person too and she did things with me so I thought it was normal but also realised it had to be hidden. I feel so guilty thinking I may have caused someone pain in the same way I now realise I went through. At the time it didn’t even register what I was doing. I didn’t understand it for what it was. I didn’t even know what my own abuse was let alone think about causing that pain to someone else. I feel so guilty. I pray everyday for her to be okay and not have any lasting effects from this and I beg for forgiveness but I’m unable to see her as she moved away. I don’t even remember her name it was so long ago. I’m scared to bring this up to my therapist as I feel like she will find me disgusting like I already do. I am trying to heal from my own trauma currently and I’m scared to jeopardise my relationship with my therapist. It’s selfish to think like that I know. I feel so awful. Am I an abuser? Was this COCSA?

[Sam W]

Hi Kiara,

It sounds like recalling this incident is really, really guilt-inducing for you, and that can be such a hard emotion to struggle with. Looking at the rest of this thread, are there things I or other staff/volunteers shared in our answers that help you get some clarity or context on this situation and what does or does not make something COCSA?

I do want to say that I think bringing this up with your therapist is a sound idea; if you're working through trauma, including someone else choosing to sexually abuse you as a child, then your therapist can help you work through your feelings around this and how it relates to the trauma you're dealing with. Too, any good therapist is not going to react to a client with outright disgust, but in this case it's extra unlikely because not only is childhood sexual exploration known to be common, but it's also known that children who are being abused by others in their lives may have that show up in their behavior, including in mimicking what they've experienced.

[Kiara]

Hi Sam, thank your for your response. As has been mentioned on the thread, I know intent and power/control has a lot to do with what makes something abuse and I know I didn’t have those things. I just still felt guilty about what I did, as others say “not all abused kids abuse others”. I spoke to my therapist about this today, and she said what you did, child sexual exploration is normal and that reenacting trauma is normal aswell. She told me to not blame myself, and that I wasn’t abusing someone. I am not an abuser. I’m trying to say that more. That did help a lot to ease some of my anxiety. I’m sure from time to time the guilt will crop up again though. I think I’m struggling with having “a dark secret” and having it make me feel like I’m not worthy to have good relationships with people in the future.

[Latha]

Hi Kiara,

I wonder if it will help to hear that you don't owe anyone this information. You are not hurting anyone by not telling them about this difficult subject from your past- this is not a secret that you are keeping from them. If you did tell someone about this, it would be wrong for them to blame you. People who have an understanding of abuse and child development won't do that.

I’m sure from time to time the guilt will crop up again though
That is the nature of guilt, unfortunately. When that happens, try to remind yourself that this isn't your fault. As Sam and your therapist said, sexual exploration is a normal part of children's lives, and you were mimicking things that you had experienced yourself.

What happened then implies nothing about the person you are now- it doesn't in any way show that you are an abusive person. You are worthy of having supportive and loving relationships, don't worry.