Scarleteen

hey i'm an 18 year old female and I'm a virgin.
I'm wondering if i have what is called a sexual arousal disorder.. as nothing sexually arouses me...not even stimulation.
I never feel anything when my boyfriend touches me either and YES i've tried everything! i just really don't wanna have sex until i'm ready but with this...idk what to do! Can someone help me out? heres some more information about me:
- I used to feel horny when i was going through puberty (around age 13)
- i have hypothyroidism and i take a medication for it (Synthroid) Found out around the age of 15
- Other than that i am supper happy (no stress/depression/anxiety)
- I've tried masturbating and that doesn't seem to do anything either
- My period is regular

Hi SelenaMenta, welcome to Scarleteen. Have you talked to a doctor about this at all? And, have you talked to your doctor/have they talked to you at all about whether your medication could be affecting your libido?

Also, here are a few questions to consider, and if you share your answers we may be able to better understand what might be going on:
When you were going through puberty and felt arousal, what was it that made you feel aroused? (ex. were you imagining particular fantasies that turned you on, were you with a particular partner, etc)
I hear you say that you've tried "everything" -- could you fill us in on what exactly "everything" entails? Have you tried focusing on different kinds of fantasies while you masturbate? Have you tried reading erotica, watching porn, or some other external fantasy aid? Have you tried various kinds of sex toys? What parts of your body have you tried focusing on?
When you try to get yourself aroused, what is that looking like -- are you dedicating particular chunks of time, doing things to clear your mind and relax your body and mind first, are you going into the moment frustrated about not being able to get aroused? Do you solely focus on trying to make yourself aroused, or just enjoying the moment and your body?

I do want to make sure you know that not feeling desire or arousal with one partner, nor finding masturbation all-that so early in life is NOT any kind of evidence of a problem or disorder.

By all means, a lot of people with thyroid issues find that that can impact their sexuality in some ways, but that's much less common for people with thyroid conditions who treat them with medication. But again, what you're describing here is very limited, and certainly not a pattern over time, and that's what doctors or therapists look for when considering anything may be a disorder or issue.

Onionpie wrote:Hi SelenaMenta, welcome to Scarleteen. Have you talked to a doctor about this at all? And, have you talked to your doctor/have they talked to you at all about whether your medication could be affecting your libido?

Also, here are a few questions to consider, and if you share your answers we may be able to better understand what might be going on:
When you were going through puberty and felt arousal, what was it that made you feel aroused? (ex. were you imagining particular fantasies that turned you on, were you with a particular partner, etc)
I hear you say that you've tried "everything" -- could you fill us in on what exactly "everything" entails? Have you tried focusing on different kinds of fantasies while you masturbate? Have you tried reading erotica, watching porn, or some other external fantasy aid? Have you tried various kinds of sex toys? What parts of your body have you tried focusing on?
When you try to get yourself aroused, what is that looking like -- are you dedicating particular chunks of time, doing things to clear your mind and relax your body and mind first, are you going into the moment frustrated about not being able to get aroused? Do you solely focus on trying to make yourself aroused, or just enjoying the moment and your body?

Hey Onionpie! thanks so much for your reply! yes i have talked to my doctor about it an he thinks i am completely normal as i get all my regular periods and all. He still checked my hormones through a blood test and i am waiting for the results.
Also answers to your questions:
When i was feeling sexual aroused, it was by watching porn and seeing sexual images...now i can watch porn like its normal because it really does NOT affect me
as in i have tried everything you have suggested^ and really nothing seems to work
honestly maybe you are right about the facy that im only focused on if i will be aroused or not and yes it does frustrate me but i try really hard nt to only think about that especuially when i'm with my boyfriend and still nada.
Idk what changed from 13 to now :/

Can I check in with you and ask why you're in a sexual relationship with someone when it sounds like those are not feelings you have ever had with them? In other words, one thing I hear in all this is that you have not experienced any kind of sexual desire for this person, ever. If so, can you fill me in on why you're in something that, essentially, asks you to have those feelings, or assumes you do?

Heather wrote:Can I check in with you and ask why you're in a sexual relationship with someone when it sounds like those are not feelings you have ever had with them? In other words, one thing I hear in all this is that you have not experienced any kind of sexual desire for this person, ever. If so, can you fill me in on why you're in something that, essentially, asks you to have those feelings, or assumes you do?

I'm not in a sexual relationship...i really like the guy im with and i'm really attracted to him too. I'm not in this relationship for sex obviously since i'm not ready for it but we do kiss and i try to experiment to see if my arousal changes..nothing wrong with that?

Do you enjoy kissing? Does that feel good, and does that feel exciting for you? You say you never feel anything (not sure what you mean by that, but we can get into that more in a bit) when he touches you. Does that include kissing?

Relatedly, when you are kissing him, does that feel like the same kind of kissing, as say, kissing a family member in terms of just being generally affectionate? Or does it feel different, and like it's coming from a different kind of want for you than it is when kissing, say, an aunt or a friend?

Yes i really do! it feels good maybe because i am emotionally attracted to him but i never feel sexually turned on by these acts. Yes kissing, touching my beasts and some parts of my body etc.

So, when you are kissing him, are you saying it does NOT feel any different for you than kissing a family member?

well yeah i guess so, since it doesnt sexually turn me on

Okay. So, if I'm understanding you correctly, one of the first things I'd suggest, just to take the pressure off of you, is just being sure you're being honest with your boyfriend that, for you, this relationship isn't something where you have sexual feelings. Feeling like someone else wants that, and like a kind of relationship means you have to "try for" that always puts pressure on that makes it really hard to figure out what you do want and are feeling. Feeling any pressure to have sexual feelings also makes it much less likely to have them if those are feelings you do/will have.

How do you feel about that, and then just letting this be something where you figure you are just going to see what happens with you in your life and all this? In other words, with assuming there is NOT a problem to worry about, these just aren't feelings you are having yet or identifying yet as your sexual feelings?

Yes you're right this pressure is really taking control of my feelings and maybe thats the problem! i will do the things you have suggested. The thing is i really do wanna have sex in the future but i wanna enjoy it! i don't wanna do it just to please my husband for example.

It's always interesting to me when someone says they have yet to have any feelings of sexual desire, but they want to have sex. Usually, what that's all about is a set of ideas about sex based on how people feel who DO feel desire. It always sounds to me like someone saying they have no desire for tomatoes, but they want to like them: why? If you have no desire for something, why would you want it, you know?

What I'd suggest is perhaps doing some thinking about what it is in sex you feel like you want, since you, apparently, as of yet have not actually had feelings of desire. Know what I mean?

Yes i know exactly what you mean and i completely understand. Honestly i just wanna make sure i'm healthy because a healthy reproductive system should have the ability to be aroused from appropriate stimuli and if that not happening (especially at my age) it worries me you know! so i know what i;m saying about desire doesn't make sense but i'm just really confused to be honest.
i think i should mention this as well....
i think it was like 2 moths ago i was pretty drunk and i had nothing on my mind and when my boyfriend and i fooled around that night i felt turned on and i think i felt really good! so it was a way different feeling then it is when i'm sober.

Also the thing that confuses me the most is why I used to feel sexually aroused ALL the time when i was younger from the simplest things and now it has all changed ! thats what made me look into this

Well, human sexuality -- including sexual desire -- often isn't static. In other words, it's most common for it to wax and wane, shift and change, over life. How we felt sexually, or what excited us, one year - or even yesterday! -- or at one time of life doesn't tend to stay the same. Goodness knows who someone is at 13 is rarely who they are at 18 in any other respect, and the same goes here.

But perhaps what you might be saying is that you used to feel like you were in ouch with sexual feelings and desires and don't feel in touch with them now?

Yes thats exactly what i'm saying! i'm really trying not to let his affect me but i can't help it and i don't know why...it's just really bothering me

Okay.

So, when people find they feel or have gotten out of touch with their sexual desires or sexuality, usually one of the best routes is for them to just see if they can't put more time and focus in their lives into just doing and pursuing things that feel good to them in other sensory ways.

In other words, putting a focus on the sensual, rather than the sexual, is often a big help with this, and is also something that isn't a drag and doesn't feel like a job.

So, what things in your life bring you a lot of pleasure when it comes to your senses: to what you smell, taste, touch, see or hear? Have you really focused on those things and followed them, and are you just letting yourself really dig into and enjoy those things?

Also, any idea why you feel so bothered by this?

things that bring my pleasure in life is probably when someone shows that hey care about me and loves me. and i usually do follow these things
and its bothering me because i feel like no one my age has these types of problems as it comes so natural to them and for me its like its very hard.

Again, I'm talking about something less emotional and more sensory: that's about touching (or being touched), smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing. I'm talking about pleasures that are physical, in your body (more than just your head or heart), in some way, which may or may not be sexual.

You know, if you look around the boards, it'll become clear very fast you are not the only person your age -- or at any age -- who has had or is having a time when they are not feeling sexual desire or where they are having a hard time finding what brings about those feelings. I promise you: your idea no one else your age struggles with this is just plain wrong, as is the idea that somehow all of this comes so easy to everyone else.