Scarleteen

So, earlier this year, I got busted for selling Adderall at school. My brother used to take it and he left behind an almost full bottle when he moved out in the fall. I've never done drugs for any reason, but I knew some people who sometimes use Adderall when they've got a lot of studying to do. So, I thought, what the heck? I could probably make a lot of money dealing to them. And it didn't seem like dealing real drugs, y'know? I wish now that I'd thought more about the consequences of getting busted than about the cash to be made. I might not be in this mess now if I had.

Not only was I expelled (I'm finishing out the school year at a private school that was willing to take me), but I was arrested too. My parents had to hire me a lawyer and he's managed to work out a deal. Since I was 16 at the time (I've since turned 17), I could've been tried as an adult. The prosecution has agreed to let me plead out in juvenile court and be sentenced as a juvenile. But, I'm going to have to spend 90 days in juvie. The fact that I was dealing on school grounds pretty much guaranteed that I'd have to spend at least some time locked up, according to my lawyer.

My court date is on the first Friday of June. I'll be accepting the deal then. So, I'm going to be spending the entire summer break in between my junior and senior year in jail. And I've got so many emotions whirling around in my head because of that. I'm angry at myself for doing something so stupid and for letting down my parents like this. I'm worried about how people at my new school will treat me when they hear how I spent my summer vacation. I'm worried about how this conviction will affect my ability to get into a good college. And, of course, I'm petrified at the thought of being locked up for three months. The only bright side to any of this is that I'll be serving my sentence while school is out, so I won't have that to worry about.

I wish more than anything that I could turn back time so I could stop myself from getting into all this trouble. God, why did I have to be so fucking stupid?!?!

I don't know if anyone will have any advice for me but I appreciate you all for listening. I really needed to get this all out to somebody.

Oh, AllieKat, I'm so sorry to hear this. You are absolutely not the first user who has come here in a similar spot, and I am glad to do whatever I can to help support you now. I/we are also glad to do whatever we can to help support you as you get ready for your time in juvie, and, if you have any access while there, while you're there. No judgments here about any of this. I myself didn't spend time in juvie, but only because I got lucky, and I did wind up in other not-dissimilar spots. I had lots of friends who wound up there, and I've also worked with a lot of youth who have spent time there. I understand how you're feeling, but please know that the harshness you're feeling for yourself right now isn't a way *I* or we feel about you or this situation, okay?

This may or may not be helpful to you, but this probably wasn't about being stupid. You know, during some of adolescent development, there's a part where part of your brain just isn't super-duper when it comes to impulsivity and decisions. Like, it just isn't cooked yet when it comes to that, so it's really easy to wind up in these kinds of spots, and too feel like your decision-making is something that happens faster than you can control, and happens in a way that, in hindsight, just doesn't look like something you'd even do when it's slowed down in rewind.

Here's a thread from another user that wound up in a similar spot that might both have some practical information you might find helpful, but also might help you feel less alone: viewtopic.php?f=14&t=8089&hilit=juvie#p41117

I'm here for another few hours today working on some editing, so I am happy to listen some more, and talk however you'd like to. We can talk practical things or feelings or both, we can talk about juvie coming up, about life after, about your feelings around your parents and family, about friends: whatever you need. <3

Hey, thank you for your reply. I looked at the link you gave and it definitely had some good information.

I guess there are two things bothering me the most right now. The first is not knowing how violent juvie will be. I've never been in a fight before in my life and I'm scared to death about the possibility of getting jumped or worse while in there. The second is that I'm a borderline claustrophobe and the idea of being locked in a cell and having no say on when I can leave is pretty nerve-racking.

I totally understand both of those fears (I'm claustrophobic, so I really get that.)

In terms of the first, generally most short-term juvenile detention centers are NOT particularly violent, especially the less marginalized you are (that's a terrible inequity that is not right, but I'm just engaging in some real talk here so we can live in the facts). Violence also is something that as frequently if not more frequently can come from staff as from other youth, so following just keeping your head down and following the rules to the letter can be the name of the game when it comes to protecting yourself. Same goes with other youth -- you'll want to keep to yourself, stay away from other people's conflicts and drama, and obviously not pick fights. Just randomly getting attacked isn't all that likely. This is some good basic advice like this: https://www.inmatesurvival.com/how-to-s ... on-center/

As far as dealing with panic or other emotional discomfort in small spaces, something you can do for yourself now is to try and learn some ways to cope with that. Do you have any practice with managing anxiety in general? By any chance, might that be something your parents might be willing to get you some help with before you go? You might have noticed that in that other thread, we talked about meditation: that's not only a good way to learn to pass the time and deal with a world of rough feelings during this, that can also help you with this if it gets activated for you, too. Is that something you might be open to looking into?

I'd also be happy to do a little digging into the specific place you're going if you like to see about creating some more specific helps for you, or seeing what resources they might have while you're there. If you don't want to share it here publicly, you can do so via a PM (they can be used to send messages to staff) or by using our email contact from in the red box at the bottom of the page below.

Hello again.

It's good to hear that it probably won't be as violent as I've been imagining in my head. Whew! That right there is a huge relief.

I've actually had counseling for anxiety in the past, so I do have some experience with learning to manage it. But being in a cell for three months is definitely going to be challenging. You mentioned meditation as a way of coping, and yes, that's something I'm open to if it could help.

Thanks for the offer, but I've managed to learn quite a bit about the place where I'll be going through my lawyer and doing research here on the internet. One of the things I've learned is that they offer a yoga class that's put on by volunteers. I'd actually been thinking of learning yoga before all this happened. Guess I'll get my chance to give it a try. How's that for irony?

Sorry to be a day behind! Been having some reactions to my second vaccine. Bleck.

I hear you on the irony, but I also think that’s a good approach — seeing what this place offers you that you actually want or could use anyway to help you while you’re there, on the other side, or just plain pass the time.

I’m going to circle back tomorrow when my head is hopefully pounding less! Apologies for the delay, but feel free to fill in anything you might want to talk more about in the meantime.

How you doing today, AllieKat?

I'm fine. Sorry for the radio silence. For the past couple of days, I haven't been feeling too good either. And tonight I'm swamped w/ homework. But I wanted to take a sec to let you know that I've been looking into meditation videos and I think I've found some stuff that might help. Thank you again for the suggestion!

No worries! This is for you, you don't owe me anything, including your time or a response. I'm sorry that you haven't been feeling good. I'm glad that you found some things that look helpful to you!

I'm around if you want to talk or you need or want any more resources, but by all means, you're under no obligation here. <3