Scarleteen

Hello

Making another thread since my last one was getting pretty lengthy. I haven't gotten to videochat with the guy I like for a few months due to school, but the semester and finals ended a few days ago, and we are planning on having a watch party this week. I'm pretty excited about it. Even though we haven't been videochating, we have continued texting. We definitely have a friendship going. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but the way he worded that he would be up for having a watch party sounded kind of flirty, but I'm not the best at reading romantic cues. We are both now fully vaccinated for Covid, and my mom says that I should ask him where he lives, so maybe we can meet in person over the summer. I have been waiting for the opportunity about asking to meet in person for months, and now I have the chance, but now I don't know if I'm ready. My toxic relationship ended sixteen months ago, and I am still dealing with the repercussions of it. I have been talking to him longer than I was with my toxic ex, and I still don't know him very well. I'm still doubting myself, if I message something dumb, what if he doesn't respond, what if he stops talking to me? Even though we have been talking long enough now that it seems very unlikely that he'll hurt me. It takes him a long time to respond to text messages, but if it is something he does regularly, I shouldn't read too deeply into it. I am still talking with my friend that I normally talk about sex and relationships with. I did take her suggestion with asking something simple like if he had siblings, and it turns out he comes from a fairly full house. I want to get to know him better and see him in person, but after my bad luck with my previous relationship, and multiple past crushed, and being forced to take things slowly due to the pandemic, I don't know what pace I need to take with him. I'm 20 years old, I'll be 21 in the Fall, I don't want to be afraid when it comes to my crushes.

Hi Amthyst,

I think there are a few things to do that might help you get some clarity around meeting him in person. The first is: when you think about getting to see him, what would you say is the dominant emotion you feel? Is it excitement or happiness? Does it feel like the fears you have are attached more to your previous relationship than the one with him? Or does the fear/worry just seem to be completely overwhelming everything else?

Too, have you and he spoken recently about meeting in person? If so, how did that conversation go? If not, do you feel like that's a conversation you could have?

I would say that the idea of being able to see him in person makes me feel excited. I can definitely say he makes me a lot happier than my previous relationship did, even though right now we are just friends. My fears are more attached to my previous relationship, and when I have videochatted with him in the past, I find myself getting tense when it was just about time to see him, but after a few minutes of talking to him, I can relax. For me it is definitely a case or the anticipation being worse than the actual event. We have not had a conversation about meeting in person, but I think it is something I can bring up. I have two options, I can ask him about meeting in person over the summer, or since we go to the same college, and I am going back to campus, I could just wait until then. I am sure I will meet him in person sooner or later.

Got it. It sounds like you're pretty aware that the pattern is a little bit of anxiety leading up to the meeting and then relaxing into spending time with your friend. To me, that's a pretty good indicator that meeting him in person is something worth pursuing.

I would for sure bring this topic up with him, because it may very well be that he has a preference for when or where you meet in person that makes the decision way easier on your end.

Hi

I moved back to campus a couple of weeks ago, and have met the guy in person, and he is actually as nice as I hoped he would be. I have now hung out with him twice, and we have a class together. Out first hangout in person lasted almost four hours, which I was not expecting. It started with us just getting coffee, and chilling in the park, and then he asks me if I wanted to go for a walk. He ends up walking me to a bridge not too far from campus, and I think offered to buy me something when we stopped at a corner store, but if he did, I didn't pick up on it until after I declined, and I was back at my dorm. He sits right next to me in the class we have together. A couple of nights ago, I showed him one of my favorite movies, and he was sitting on my bed. I didn't know if he would feel comfortable being in my room, but he was totally chill, and I was surprised that he just sat on my bed, it was what I was hoping, but I wasn't expecting it. He also crossed his leg in my direction on more than once, but never did anything that made me uncomfortable. So far he has been accommodating with my anxiety, and he knows that I was previously in an abusive relationship, I did not tell him about my experience with sexual harassment in high school. I think he said yes to celebrating my 21st birthday in October with me, which means meeting my parents, since they're planning on giving me a party at one of their friend's places. I think I have a chance with him, but I don't want to get my hopes up. My mom seems to agree, but never flat out said it, though she did say that he seems really nice. I was talking about it to the person who was cutting my hair, and they're saying that he seems to be totally into me. I hope so, I'm excited and nervous, and don't want to get my hopes up, especially after getting hurt as badly as I did in my last relationship. I want to try to put out my hand next time I watch something with him, as a way of saying "You can hold my hand if you want", without actually saying it, but I don't know how I would do it without being awkward. I feel a lot of emotions about him. I am happy to finally be liking someone who is a nice person though.

Thanks for the update, Amthyst!! I'm glad that the two of you have connected well in person. It's great to hear that he's being respectful and thoughtful in regards to what you've told him about your anxiety and experience with abuse. I hope you continue to have a good time when you're hanging out together!