My Subconscious Fear of Male Sexuality
Posted: Tue May 18, 2021 8:34 pm
Hi, I’m back on this site after a couple years!
This is all just speculation, but I think that I have a subconscious fear of male sexuality. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with male sexuality, but I still feel as if I do for some reason. So why do I think that this is the case?
1)I identify as male but I have a bit of funny relationship to masculinity. I grew up kinda distant to my dad, so I didn’t really have a male role model to help myself define what masculinity is. Granted, it doesn’t mean much and it’s just a social construct, but I do identify with it. I’ve always seen masculinity as the same thing as toxic masculinity ever since I was a kid, and I wanted to avoid it. This resulted in me having adverse reactions to being called masculine or having my actions described as such. I think that association never really left me, even though I know it’s wrong.
2) I have trouble allowing myself to find people attractive. I’m know I’m not asexual, I’m bi with a preference towards women, but there seems to be a block in my mind that prevents me from seeing people as attractive. I think the reason has something to do with me thinking that it’s morally wrong to be attracted to people(and this problem is especially bad towards women, whom I think I’m more partial to). Once again, this rationally doesn’t make sense, but it still is here. It’s a bit of a problem, because I really want to be able to be attracted to people, but the pesky mental block exists.
3) Whenever I see a man taking a proactive role in a relationship, for some reason I see this as also wrong. This is especially prevalent when it’s a man initiating sex. I get a similar gut reaction when viewing sexual media involving a man, and it’s not fun seeing how I am one. I don’t really watch it much and obviously pornography is not an accurate representation of anything, but that gut reaction is still there.
I think I ignore logic and just don’t allow myself to express my sexuality, and it kinda sucks.
This is all just speculation, but I think that I have a subconscious fear of male sexuality. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with male sexuality, but I still feel as if I do for some reason. So why do I think that this is the case?
1)I identify as male but I have a bit of funny relationship to masculinity. I grew up kinda distant to my dad, so I didn’t really have a male role model to help myself define what masculinity is. Granted, it doesn’t mean much and it’s just a social construct, but I do identify with it. I’ve always seen masculinity as the same thing as toxic masculinity ever since I was a kid, and I wanted to avoid it. This resulted in me having adverse reactions to being called masculine or having my actions described as such. I think that association never really left me, even though I know it’s wrong.
2) I have trouble allowing myself to find people attractive. I’m know I’m not asexual, I’m bi with a preference towards women, but there seems to be a block in my mind that prevents me from seeing people as attractive. I think the reason has something to do with me thinking that it’s morally wrong to be attracted to people(and this problem is especially bad towards women, whom I think I’m more partial to). Once again, this rationally doesn’t make sense, but it still is here. It’s a bit of a problem, because I really want to be able to be attracted to people, but the pesky mental block exists.
3) Whenever I see a man taking a proactive role in a relationship, for some reason I see this as also wrong. This is especially prevalent when it’s a man initiating sex. I get a similar gut reaction when viewing sexual media involving a man, and it’s not fun seeing how I am one. I don’t really watch it much and obviously pornography is not an accurate representation of anything, but that gut reaction is still there.
I think I ignore logic and just don’t allow myself to express my sexuality, and it kinda sucks.
